SIL told me I’m breaking her family up

[Anonymous]

This is our second therapist.

Our first one also told us that I need to not hold DH accountable for his family's behavior/actions. He cannot control them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is our second therapist.

Our first one also told us that I need to not hold DH accountable for his family's behavior/actions. He cannot control them.

No, he can't. But he can control his own actions. And what he is doing is demonstrating that, actually, it is okay for him family to treat you this way, because there are, at most, temporary consequences. He'll get mad for a while, they'll be on their best behavior for a bit, and then it can all go back to normal. He tells them to be nice to you because you are "sensitive," which sort of tells them that their behavior is fine with him. And he expects you to be around these people, and make nice, because he doesn't want to have to impose any real consequences. Like leaving immediately when someone says something beyond the pale. Like not spending holidays with them because they are not kind to his wife.

Personally, I would refuse to spend any time with these people. He can decide whether he'd rather spend the holidays with me or them, but I'm not taking that level of garbage from them.

[Anonymous]

Second therapist?

Why are you staying in this relationship?

I would have walked out the minute he told them they need to be nice to me because I'm sensitive. WTF is wrong with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is our second therapist.

Our first one also told us that I need to not hold DH accountable for his family's behavior/actions. He cannot control them.

No, he can't. But he can control his own actions. And what he is doing is demonstrating that, actually, it is okay for him family to treat you this way, because there are, at most, temporary consequences. He'll get mad for a while, they'll be on their best behavior for a bit, and then it can all go back to normal. He tells them to be nice to you because you are "sensitive," which sort of tells them that their behavior is fine with him. And he expects you to be around these people, and make nice, because he doesn't want to have to impose any real consequences. Like leaving immediately when someone says something beyond the pale. Like not spending holidays with them because they are not kind to his wife.

Personally, I would refuse to spend any time with these people. He can decide whether he'd rather spend the holidays with me or them, but I'm not taking that level of garbage from them.

Agreed. He needed to tell them to be nice to you because you are his wife. Whether you are "sensitive" or not is irrelevant. Their behavior is wrong. Full stop. And he hasn't actually told them that, which means he isn't really sticking up for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, until your husband can create some healthy boundaries, abide by them & most of all STICK TO THEM... these women will always have power over him.

Until they feel some true consequences of their actions, sadly This. Will. Never. End.

He's already said he can't cut them off... that's fine.
What he can do is make them accountable for their words & make them responsible for how they use them.

Read this OP.

Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0684868067/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Pl84Bb0C9YY4G

Yes, yes, yes - a million times *YES*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, until your husband can create some healthy boundaries, abide by them & most of all STICK TO THEM... these women will always have power over him.

Until they feel some true consequences of their actions, sadly This. Will. Never. End.

He's already said he can't cut them off... that's fine.
What he can do is make them accountable for their words & make them responsible for how they use them.

Read this OP.

Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0684868067/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Pl84Bb0C9YY4G

Yes, yes, yes - a million times *YES*.

Very much agreed also, has he ever read any books on boundaries with a narcissist?

Unfortunately, they heard the word "sensitive" & they substituted it for the word "weak".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is our second therapist.

Our first one also told us that I need to not hold DH accountable for his family's behavior/actions. He cannot control them.

We are only hearing one side of the story.. maybe you are getting in between them? I have a SIL who acts like an angel but makes sure to get in between my brother and I every time we start getting close again. She cannot deal.. It is disheartening to the point where I just don't speak with either anymore. I don't need toxic people in my life.

[Anonymous]

I think people who are saying that DH should just never have contacts with his family again don't understand complicated family dynamics.

When you grow up in a family that is dysfunctional, your normal is dysfunctional and the dynamics form and bond in many unhealthy ways. Once out on your own it can take years and years and it needs to be that person who comes to a point of setting boundaries or cutting contact or figuring out how to related in a healthy way. Not a spouse who says you are never to see your family again. Any spouse who requires their DH/ DW to cut off all contact with their family is pretty controlling and self centered. The them or me ultimatum just builds resentment. You have to figure out how to detach in a way that doesn't' just leave you with guilt and shame and pain.

What OP can decide is that she is not going to these events. She can set that boundary for herself.

And I would say the same if it was Ops parent or sibling who wasn't nice to her DH. He should not demand or give an ultimatum that she cut off all contact or else she doesn't' love him / isn't' committed to them.

Getting married doesn't someone mean you no longer have a family of origin. I don't really understand, the 'this is your family now' as though it is one or the other. That sounds so controlling to me.

[Anonymous]

Why have we revived this thread after 5 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an awkward encounter with my SIL a few months ago where she told me that I am breaking her family up. It’s no longer a secret she and my MIL dislike me. How am I expected to deal with these people during the holidays?

What is the issue really about? What did you do or not do, OP? Would you even tell us? If you are treating one or both of them like crap, or expect the "status quo" after they are married (for example, if you were disrespectful and abusive to your brother all his life) - maybe your SIL is tired of your crap, and maybe your brother is seeing the truth, and you don't like it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an awkward encounter with my SIL a few months ago where she told me that I am breaking her family up. It’s no longer a secret she and my MIL dislike me. How am I expected to deal with these people during the holidays?

What is the issue really about? What did you do or not do, OP? Would you even tell us? If you are treating one or both of them like crap, or expect the "status quo" after they are married (for example, if you were disrespectful and abusive to your brother all his life) - maybe your SIL is tired of your crap, and maybe your brother is seeing the truth, and you don't like it?

Don't you love it when a someone posts a pretty negative post, getting their zinger in like the above poster, when they haven't bothered to read the thread - the OP is talking about her husband's family, not her brother's wife.

[Anonymous]

I will never forget the PP in DCUM who posted that a sister "loved her brother first" and the relationship should be respected. Never take family relationship advice from Cersei Lannister.

There are some real wing-nuts out there who can't handle their BROTHER marrying someone. Your immediate family doesn't stay your immediate family for the rest of your life. Even in tribal communities. Distance occurs naturally as an adult when people move out and create lives and families of their own. Why is it hard for family members to accept and recognize this?

What does SIL want? For her brother to stay single and live in her parents basement for the rest of her life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

MIL and SIL have felt that way ever since DH announced we are getting married. I thought they would settle in after we were married and they get used to having me around. The issue is they never liked me (or any of DH's previous GFs as they always feel threatened by any other woman) and now it is out in the open.

DH has stood up for me multiple times and we limit contact generally. He has told his mom and sister to knock it off but they have personality issues and do not care. DH does say that he will not be able to cut them off ever as they are his family. So limiting contact and only going over for special occasions it is.

However, I do not know how I can sit in the same room as them as I feel very hurt and unappreciated.

We did this for years. I was always nice. Mil and sil were always miserable. Funny thing is that they got worse and worse, since we continued to see them (seeing how far they could go). They started by just being mean when DH wasn't around and then lying about it. But then they got bold. Big mistake. Started doing it in front of DH -- first time, he makes excuses for them, second time, he's confused because they weren't ever this bad, third time, he's had enough. We haven't seen them in 4 years (his aunt's funeral with whom we stayed close because she never liked mil). They are his family, so I feel terrible but he says "they never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity" (or something like that -- basically that they could have made things right with him by apologizing to me but they never did).

Stick it out! But I would insist on them not staying with you and you not staying with them. Non-holidays/non-special occasions with them (we'd do the weekend after Thanksgiving for example) but big holidays with your family (no need to create destructive memories for years to come -- no one cares that they ruined the day after Thanksgiving).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your input.

My husband's mother is very overbearing and narcissistic. When you tell her she has done something wrong, she will deny deny deny. She cannot do anything wrong and it always someone else's fault or it is a "misunderstanding." Or she will cry and play victim until the person confronting her feels bad and lets it go.

Her husband doesn't dare speak up to her, DH and SIL fall for every one of her tricks and get manipulated by her.

My husband HAS told her to be nice and inclusive to me. She tries, she gets me nice presents, gives me hugs but then also gets drunk and can't help but let her true feelings out which is that her son made a mistake by marrying me and that I am taking her son away etc etc. That I am not a good fit for him or a good partner etc etc

SIL is MIL's minion and is #teammommy and as such tries her best to ignore me and make me feel like I don't belong. She always displays mean girl behavior by making sure none of their cousins like me etc

DH has told them to be nice and treat me kindly as "my wife is sensitive."

It seems to go in one ear and out the other.

We are going to a therapist who DH tells that he has done everything he can but that his family are difficult and won't listen. He also told her that he is intimated by his sister as she will freak out and get mean so he just lets her be.

Meanwhile she said that their behavior isn't DH's fault and I need to make peace with them and not take them so personally.

Sorry OP...but the problem is a self-admittedly spineless husband AND a bad therapist.

Here's the thing though: Probably one of the things that attracted you to him (and him to you, frankly) was that you liked his non-confrontational easy-going manner and he liked that you would take charge like he is used to.

Not that you are LIKE SIL or MIL (not saying that, exactly...just that you are MORE like them--assertive, free to speak up, etc.-- that HE is.) See? He chose what was familiar to him in terms of the power dynamic. But uh-oh...that creates conflict and DH doesn't know how to deal so he just appeases. And he thinks he is appeasing everyone by not taking sides or by only getting just slightly upset and putting a bandaid on the situation.

The minute the drunk MIL came out with spewing of her "true feelings" is when she should no longer have been welcome in your home. Not because you are "sensitive" but because she is actively undermining your marriage commitment. Marriage is hard even WITHOUT our "loved ones" working against us.

Sorry OP, but I would tell him I've had enough and leave. Before you have kids. This will never end.

If you don't have kids and can be with other people, PLEASE leave. It will get a lot worse before it gets better.

If you do have kids and/or don't think you can handle being alone and/or being with anyone else, suck it up. It's your bed so you live with it.

He's a doormat -- the good, the bad, the ugly and WILL let his mom and sister treat your own kids like this (my MIL says with disgust "her kids" even though we had them together and it's not unusual for a narcissist to not feel like for other people's kids -- including their own grandkids). The abuse will then start to impact your innocent children, or, if she does like them, she'll try to enlist them like she did SIL and get them against you (young brains are easier to brainwash).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me early in my marriage with BIL and MIL. Get out now. Seriously. I know you are newly married and majorly in love but unless your husband is laying down the gauntlet and seriously ending this BS, you will have a life of drama. I hate my in laws but have to pretend to get along for the sake of my son and husband. I wish I was stronger 15 years ago and left. It was a precursor to a lot of other issues, these people raised your husband and he lived this life. This is what he knows - the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, as they say. Or get lots of marriage therapy, now!

X1000. He will treat his children this way -- it's all he knows. He "loves" them but in a controlling way.