SIL told me I’m breaking her family up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

MIL and SIL have felt that way ever since DH announced we are getting married. I thought they would settle in after we were married and they get used to having me around. The issue is they never liked me (or any of DH's previous GFs as they always feel threatened by any other woman) and now it is out in the open.

DH has stood up for me multiple times and we limit contact generally. He has told his mom and sister to knock it off but they have personality issues and do not care. DH does say that he will not be able to cut them off ever as they are his family. So limiting contact and only going over for special occasions it is.

However, I do not know how I can sit in the same room as them as I feel very hurt and unappreciated.

But what prompted the most recent comments? It would be highly unusual, even in high-conflict families, for someone to announce that you're breaking up the family without trigger or explanation.

[Anonymous]

This feels a bit familiar: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

MIL and SIL have felt that way ever since DH announced we are getting married. I thought they would settle in after we were married and they get used to having me around. The issue is they never liked me (or any of DH's previous GFs as they always feel threatened by any other woman) and now it is out in the open.

DH has stood up for me multiple times and we limit contact generally. He has told his mom and sister to knock it off but they have personality issues and do not care. DH does say that he will not be able to cut them off ever as they are his family. So limiting contact and only going over for special occasions it is.

However, I do not know how I can sit in the same room as them as I feel very hurt and unappreciated.

I don’t understand what any of this has to do with you breaking up SIL’s family. Where does that accusation come from?

SIL is referring to their family of origin. SIL sees herself, OP’s husband and their mother as the family and OP as an outsider.

I swear, some of you just want so badly to blame the OP of every post that you don’t read and jump to any conclusion.

[Anonymous]

OP, it only hurts you if you let it. Why do you care what these unbalanced women think of you, and why do you cover appreciation from them? If your husband appreciates you, let that be enough.
Agree with PPS that you should be polite, cool and civil with them. If they are rude to you, it’s totally fine to tell your husband that it’s not fair to you to make you slend holidays with people that ruin the day for you. Tell them you will see them on Christmas Eve or St. Stephen’s Day instead. (I would not cut off all contact unless it’s really awful, as it sounds like that would be hurtful for your husband.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your the target of your husband's family. My advice is to get things straight with your husband via a counselor. He's not on your side. Do this before you have kids. Take care.

Me again. I forgot to add: you don't go to the holidays at his family's because they don't respect you. You either go see your family, do something with friends, or have a private holiday with just the two of you. If your husband won't take your side in this, then you still don't go to his family's and get solo counseling. I'd say just leave him if you don't have kids, but you have to be ready to do that.

OP.

Husband has told his mom and sister to knock it off. They don't really listen to him either. Our counselor said that he cannot change their behavior and the best strategy is to avoid them/limit contact.

Husband says he is happy to stand up for me but he cannot miss holidays with them as they are his family and he could never do that.

[Anonymous]

How old is SIL? Once SIL starts dating someone seriously, the problem will probably resolve itself.

DH is YOUR problem though because he’d rather spend his holidays with his family of origin. Have a session with the counselor and ask how you should deal with your DH. He sounds like a momma’s boy.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like the ILs just don’t like the idea of sharing their boy with anyone else. You can raise your hackles and fight them, or you can kill them with kindness. When SIL says these things you merely respond, “I’m happy to be in Joe’s life now but you’re lucky to have him as a brother forever.” And remind MIL that she’s done a great job raising a wonderful son, blah blah blah. They just want certainty that you’re not stealing him away from them.

But it’s awesome that DH back you up in standing up to them when they are too much!

[Anonymous]

I refuse to share time w toxic turds. I won't spend more than one night @ holiday time (grudgingly) at my BIL's. And DW know that one more a-hole comment from him and I'll just pass on futurecholiday visits (2 hr drive away).

Tell DH it's all on him now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

MIL and SIL have felt that way ever since DH announced we are getting married. I thought they would settle in after we were married and they get used to having me around. The issue is they never liked me (or any of DH's previous GFs as they always feel threatened by any other woman) and now it is out in the open.

DH has stood up for me multiple times and we limit contact generally. He has told his mom and sister to knock it off but they have personality issues and do not care. DH does say that he will not be able to cut them off ever as they are his family. So limiting contact and only going over for special occasions it is.

However, I do not know how I can sit in the same room as them as I feel very hurt and unappreciated.

I don’t understand what any of this has to do with you breaking up SIL’s family. Where does that accusation come from?

SIL is referring to their family of origin. SIL sees herself, OP’s husband and their mother as the family and OP as an outsider.

I swear, some of you just want so badly to blame the OP of every post that you don’t read and jump to any conclusion.

Jeez. Thank you PP for explaining it to the dense ones. I suggested this three pages back but people couldn't quite get the concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have just stood there and said nothing if my SIL said this to me. "I'm sorry you feel this way. Your brother and i are a joint unit now that we're married and we will attend all events together. I'm sorry that you all haven't welcomed me warmly into the family."

Nothing makes a person madder than the non-apology apology. Don't do this. Polite but distant, and limit contact so they have less to complain about. When I was first married, my ILs were just terrible to me. Boycotted the wedding, had BIL call to harass me, cut off contact after the wedding. You name it. They wrote a letter to DH saying that I had caused havoc and destroyed their family and wanted me to write an apology letter to everyone in their family. DH was desperate to get back into contact with his family and I being a dumb, newly married 25 year-old, agreed to write the letter. I hate myself to this day for doing that, and a part of my relationship with DH died when he agreed with them that I should write the letters. 25 years later I still get angry thinking that I actually wrote the letters. We have seen over the years how ILs have treated not only us, but their own family members. They are no longer on speaking terms with any of their own. Just sit tight and the truth will out, but in the meantime, don't give them anything to discuss, gossip about, or complain about. Distance yourself and be polite, but take no BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your the target of your husband's family. My advice is to get things straight with your husband via a counselor. He's not on your side. Do this before you have kids. Take care.

OP, I'm the PP who wrote the letters. All of this happened before kids. We saw a therapist and worked things out and stayed together. I think that it has made a big impact in our relationship knowing that we stayed together because we loved each other and not because we felt like we had to because we had kids. The BIL who threatened me? Divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your the target of your husband's family. My advice is to get things straight with your husband via a counselor. He's not on your side. Do this before you have kids. Take care.

Me again. I forgot to add: you don't go to the holidays at his family's because they don't respect you. You either go see your family, do something with friends, or have a private holiday with just the two of you. If your husband won't take your side in this, then you still don't go to his family's and get solo counseling. I'd say just leave him if you don't have kids, but you have to be ready to do that.

OP.

Husband has told his mom and sister to knock it off. They don't really listen to him either. Our counselor said that he cannot change their behavior and the best strategy is to avoid them/limit contact.

Husband says he is happy to stand up for me but he cannot miss holidays with them as they are his family and he could never do that.

OP, YOU are his family now and he's not standing up for you. He does't get that, yet. Mine didn't either. This will become a huge problem if you don't get this sorted out before you have kids. Get this resolved now.
-PP who wrote the letters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your the target of your husband's family. My advice is to get things straight with your husband via a counselor. He's not on your side. Do this before you have kids. Take care.

Me again. I forgot to add: you don't go to the holidays at his family's because they don't respect you. You either go see your family, do something with friends, or have a private holiday with just the two of you. If your husband won't take your side in this, then you still don't go to his family's and get solo counseling. I'd say just leave him if you don't have kids, but you have to be ready to do that.

OP.

Husband has told his mom and sister to knock it off. They don't really listen to him either. Our counselor said that he cannot change their behavior and the best strategy is to avoid them/limit contact.

Husband says he is happy to stand up for me but he cannot miss holidays with them as they are his family and he could never do that.

OP, YOU are his family now and he's not standing up for you. He does't get that, yet. Mine didn't either. This will become a huge problem if you don't get this sorted out before you have kids. Get this resolved now.
-PP who wrote the letters.

How is he not on my side? He tells them to jump in the lake and doesn’t communicate with them for a while after they act out. They are still his family so he doesn’t want to cause them pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your the target of your husband's family. My advice is to get things straight with your husband via a counselor. He's not on your side. Do this before you have kids. Take care.

Me again. I forgot to add: you don't go to the holidays at his family's because they don't respect you. You either go see your family, do something with friends, or have a private holiday with just the two of you. If your husband won't take your side in this, then you still don't go to his family's and get solo counseling. I'd say just leave him if you don't have kids, but you have to be ready to do that.

OP.

Husband has told his mom and sister to knock it off. They don't really listen to him either. Our counselor said that he cannot change their behavior and the best strategy is to avoid them/limit contact.

Husband says he is happy to stand up for me but he cannot miss holidays with them as they are his family and he could never do that.

Um, hello. YOU are his family. I’d rethink counseling and squirrel away money for your inevitable divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have just stood there and said nothing if my SIL said this to me. "I'm sorry you feel this way. Your brother and i are a joint unit now that we're married and we will attend all events together. I'm sorry that you all haven't welcomed me warmly into the family."

Nothing makes a person madder than the non-apology apology. Don't do this. Polite but distant, and limit contact so they have less to complain about. When I was first married, my ILs were just terrible to me. Boycotted the wedding, had BIL call to harass me, cut off contact after the wedding. You name it. They wrote a letter to DH saying that I had caused havoc and destroyed their family and wanted me to write an apology letter to everyone in their family. DH was desperate to get back into contact with his family and I being a dumb, newly married 25 year-old, agreed to write the letter. I hate myself to this day for doing that, and a part of my relationship with DH died when he agreed with them that I should write the letters. 25 years later I still get angry thinking that I actually wrote the letters. We have seen over the years how ILs have treated not only us, but their own family members. They are no longer on speaking terms with any of their own. Just sit tight and the truth will out, but in the meantime, don't give them anything to discuss, gossip about, or complain about. Distance yourself and be polite, but take no BS.

He agreed you should write letters of apology basically for having married him? Wow. I'm glad you guys worked it out but that is pretty insane.