SIL told me I’m breaking her family up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

MIL and SIL have felt that way ever since DH announced we are getting married. I thought they would settle in after we were married and they get used to having me around. The issue is they never liked me (or any of DH's previous GFs as they always feel threatened by any other woman) and now it is out in the open.

DH has stood up for me multiple times and we limit contact generally. He has told his mom and sister to knock it off but they have personality issues and do not care. DH does say that he will not be able to cut them off ever as they are his family. So limiting contact and only going over for special occasions it is.

However, I do not know how I can sit in the same room as them as I feel very hurt and unappreciated.

It's hard but do your best to be polite and not make waves. I have very toxic in-laws who have never been accepting of me. Caused a lot of friction when I was first married and especially when our first DC was born. My DH knew his family had issues but was also very imbedded with them, i.e., it's all he ever knew so they were "close" even though he knew they were crazy, mean, a-holes, etc., but what could he do? At first I tried to get them to like me, make an effort, etc., and no matter what I did, it didn't work. So basically I just stepped back and let him handle everything with his family. Over the years, the boundaries came naturally. Dealing with them became insufferable for him as it was up to him to send cards, give them updates, talk to them at holidays (he used to try and sneak off with his brother and leave me to do the socializing until I put my foot down), try to coordinate holidays, etc. They were just so unpleasant, he lost interest in hanging around them, especially after the kids were born. We had too many other choices (friends, my families) when it came to holidays, etc., that we've just kind of ghosted out of seeing them, even though they are local. As long as you and your DH have a solid relationship, I suspect that your in-laws will undo their relationship with him as mine did. The worst they got, the less I said, and I think that really helped-- he really got to see what they were like versus feeling defensive when I would point out how rude, etc. they are. Now he's the one who points out how awful they are to me! It's rough but try to take the high road as much as possible. The more reasonable you are, the more their unreasonableness will show. I know it's hard (seriously, the first three years of marriage were rough around the holiday time as I have a very hard time biting my tongue/keeping my mouth shut) but stay strong!

Signed,
Married 10 years (and in a MUCH better place than year 1)

This is excellent advice especially if they have personality issues. You can’t make them like you or change them. You can control how you behave. If you keep your side of the street clean, it will become very clear how messy their side is and your husband will have to face it.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen this play out when the wife’s family was UC and the husbands was LMC; when the wife was (European) white and the DH was not; when the wife was raised in a traditional family and the DH was raised by a single mom.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with all others, your DH needs to grow up. Marriage comes first. Did you guys have a Christian ceremony? "What God has joined together, let no one put asunder". Marriage comes before ALL others.

Please wait a few years to have kids until you see how this is going to play out. I'd consider moving. Let your DH travel once or twice a year to visit them.

Otherwise, this will cause drama and heartache and you will end up divorced, mark my words.

[Anonymous]

She sounds disturbed. It's up to your husband to insist she be respectful to you and stop blaming you for their own dysfunction.

My SIL would like to blame me for her lack of a relationship with her brother. She forgets she has "borrowed thousands" telling him sob stories and he will never see that money again. She starts drama after drama and is always trying to suck people in. Maybe he feels the same way her 3 husbands did. They prefer calm and kindess and so they broke off.

[Anonymous]

Ignore. Act like you didn’t hear her. These sorts of people crave a reaction so they can use it to justify bad behavior. Don’t give it to her.

[Anonymous]

Op, I feel for you, you have my MIL, minus the drinking. Your DH has been conditioned by them to think this is normal. It's hard to get across that it's not. Your therapist is right when they say you can't change your MIL. Neither can your DH.

I found that I had to disengage. Your DH can visit on his own. Limit the holiday visits to one or two a year and only see them then. Don't visit them on their birthdays or mothers day. Don't organise vacations with them. That way you can see them twice a year and then ignore them.

Be polite and nice when you see them, don't take the bait. If your SIL claims you are breaking up their family, reply with your happy to be married and if she has any concerns relating to her relationship with her brother, to talk to him directly about it.

The reason I say don't visit is that my MIL used those visits to create drama, I smiled too much then not enough, spoke too much then not enough and this was with everything. When I wasn't around there was nothing to say and when she did say something she ended up looking petty. They will never accept you, it won't get better. Find your support network with others and keep them at a distance.

I know it's hurtful. Find a way to move on. Emotional disengage. Once you don't care it's so much better. Keep conversation about them in your home at a minimum. Let your DH handle everything.