SIL told me I’m breaking her family up
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Anonymous
| Need more context, OP — you weren’t the mistress, and are now the wife are you? |
Anonymous
She probably just had the nerve to marry and have kids with their brother/son and now your new little family takes precedent. You're the one sleeping with him, not them, and they know it. |
Anonymous
|
Are you sleeping with her husband?
How does she mean? |
Anonymous
| Definitely need more info |
Anonymous
| Come on, OP. You must realize we need more info about the context before we can give you advice. |
Anonymous
|
The key part missing is how your DH feels about all this. And what he has said to her about this etc.
Because I suspect you have less of a SIL problem and more of a DH problem. |
Anonymous
| Ovoid them . Why put yourself in uncomfortable position even on a visit basis not worth it. Been there. If dh does not support you, he married you not his mother or sister dump him too. |
Anonymous
|
OP here.
MIL and SIL have felt that way ever since DH announced we are getting married. I thought they would settle in after we were married and they get used to having me around. The issue is they never liked me (or any of DH's previous GFs as they always feel threatened by any other woman) and now it is out in the open. DH has stood up for me multiple times and we limit contact generally. He has told his mom and sister to knock it off but they have personality issues and do not care. DH does say that he will not be able to cut them off ever as they are his family. So limiting contact and only going over for special occasions it is. However, I do not know how I can sit in the same room as them as I feel very hurt and unappreciated. |
Anonymous
You didn’t answer the question — did your relationship with your DH start out as an affair? |
Anonymous
wtf NO! |
Anonymous
I don’t understand what any of this has to do with you breaking up SIL’s family. Where does that accusation come from? |
Anonymous
It's hard but do your best to be polite and not make waves. I have very toxic in-laws who have never been accepting of me. Caused a lot of friction when I was first married and especially when our first DC was born. My DH knew his family had issues but was also very imbedded with them, i.e., it's all he ever knew so they were "close" even though he knew they were crazy, mean, a-holes, etc., but what could he do? At first I tried to get them to like me, make an effort, etc., and no matter what I did, it didn't work. So basically I just stepped back and let him handle everything with his family. Over the years, the boundaries came naturally. Dealing with them became insufferable for him as it was up to him to send cards, give them updates, talk to them at holidays (he used to try and sneak off with his brother and leave me to do the socializing until I put my foot down), try to coordinate holidays, etc. They were just so unpleasant, he lost interest in hanging around them, especially after the kids were born. We had too many other choices (friends, my families) when it came to holidays, etc., that we've just kind of ghosted out of seeing them, even though they are local. As long as you and your DH have a solid relationship, I suspect that your in-laws will undo their relationship with him as mine did. The worst they got, the less I said, and I think that really helped-- he really got to see what they were like versus feeling defensive when I would point out how rude, etc. they are. Now he's the one who points out how awful they are to me! It's rough but try to take the high road as much as possible. The more reasonable you are, the more their unreasonableness will show. I know it's hard (seriously, the first three years of marriage were rough around the holiday time as I have a very hard time biting my tongue/keeping my mouth shut) but stay strong! Signed, Married 10 years (and in a MUCH better place than year 1) |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't have just stood there and said nothing if my SIL said this to me. "I'm sorry you feel this way. Your brother and i are a joint unit now that we're married and we will attend all events together. I'm sorry that you all haven't welcomed me warmly into the family." |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your the target of your husband's family. My advice is to get things straight with your husband via a counselor. He's not on your side. Do this before you have kids. Take care. |
Anonymous
Me again. I forgot to add: you don't go to the holidays at his family's because they don't respect you. You either go see your family, do something with friends, or have a private holiday with just the two of you. If your husband won't take your side in this, then you still don't go to his family's and get solo counseling. I'd say just leave him if you don't have kids, but you have to be ready to do that. |