Reply to SIL told me I’m breaking her family up

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for your input.

My husband's mother is very overbearing and narcissistic. When you tell her she has done something wrong, she will deny deny deny. She cannot do anything wrong and it always someone else's fault or it is a "misunderstanding." Or she will cry and play victim until the person confronting her feels bad and lets it go.

Her husband doesn't dare speak up to her, DH and SIL fall for every one of her tricks and get manipulated by her.

My husband HAS told her to be nice and inclusive to me. She tries, she gets me nice presents, gives me hugs but then also gets drunk and can't help but let her true feelings out which is that her son made a mistake by marrying me and that I am taking her son away etc etc. That I am not a good fit for him or a good partner etc etc

SIL is MIL's minion and is #teammommy and as such tries her best to ignore me and make  me feel like I don't belong. She always displays mean girl behavior by making sure none of their cousins like me etc

DH has told them to be nice and treat me kindly as "my wife is sensitive."

It seems to go in one ear and out the other.

We are going to a therapist who DH tells that he has done everything he can but that his family are difficult and won't listen. He also told her that he is intimated by his sister as she will freak out and get mean so he just lets her be.

Meanwhile she said that their behavior isn't DH's fault and I need to make peace with them and not take them so personally.

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Sorry OP...but the problem is a self-admittedly spineless husband AND a bad therapist.

Here's the thing though: Probably one of the things that attracted you to him (and him to you, frankly) was that you liked his non-confrontational easy-going manner and he liked that you would take charge like he is used to.

Not that you are LIKE SIL or MIL (not saying that, exactly...just that you are MORE like them--assertive, free to speak up, etc.-- that HE is.) See? He chose what was familiar to him in terms of the power dynamic. But uh-oh...that creates conflict and DH doesn't know how to deal so he just appeases. And he thinks he is appeasing everyone by not taking sides or by only getting just slightly upset and putting a bandaid on the situation.

The minute the drunk MIL came out with spewing of her "true feelings" is when she should no longer have been welcome in your home. Not because you are "sensitive" but because she is actively undermining your marriage commitment. Marriage is hard even WITHOUT our "loved ones" working against us.

Sorry OP, but I would tell him I've had enough and leave. Before you have kids. This will never end.[/quote]

If you don't have kids and can be with other people, PLEASE leave.  It will get a lot worse before it gets better.

If you do have kids and/or don't think you can handle being alone and/or being with anyone else, suck it up.  It's your bed so you live with it.

He's a doormat -- the good, the bad, the ugly and WILL let his mom and sister treat your own kids like this (my MIL says with disgust "her kids" even though we had them together and it's not unusual for a narcissist to not feel like for other people's kids -- including their own grandkids). The abuse will then start to impact your innocent children, or, if she does like them, she'll try to enlist them like she did SIL and get them against you (young brains are easier to brainwash).
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