Reply to stopping a potential affair by getting to know the other woman-- does it work?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Doesn't matter.  I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

[b]People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate.  They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations.  They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.[/b] [/quote]

This is so extreme.  Just read what you wrote.  You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children?  Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray.  Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great.  Or they are foolish.  Etc.  You need to gain some perspective. [/quote]

New poster here. The previous poster is correct. A cheater does not care about any of those things when they are in the throes of a new relationship. My husband cheated with our neighbor, who was a pretty good friend of mine. Her husband was a very good friend of his. We all have kids, and when the affair was discovered everything blew up in their faces. The reputations were ruined in our neighborhood, friends were lost, and divorces are being considered. The kids' lives will be turned upside down. [/quote]

Nope. Disagree. I think the cheater cares very much or he/she wouldn't try to hide it. They don't think they are going to get caught. They might have a warped sense of what they need/deserve but for the most part I think cheaters care or they'd just flaunt it.

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I disagree.  Cheaters hide what they are doing because they don't want to accept the personal negative consequences of their behavior.  They know that they are risking their marriage, home, kids, finances, etc. but they *hope* they can get away with it.  It's almost comically childish.  Almost always, when people lie, it's because they don't want to get in trouble/are trying to avoid a negative consequence.  To THEMSELVES.[/quote]

This - “comically childish” struck me as so accurate.

Lying to avoid negative consequences is a developmentally normal thing thru early to mid-elementary or a bit later.  When my own kids were little, I had to catch them lying and make it clear that the punishment/consequence was extra-bad because they lied. As a result, by the time high school rolled around, my kids admitted when they messed up and avoided messing up in some situations because they knew there would be consequences.

My cheating now-Ex learned to lie in his family of origin - lying was a way of life and a form of self-preservation growing up with an alcoholic, mentally ill mother.  Since I’m not his mother or father, it’s not my job to teach him how to be honest, accurately weigh predicted consequences and manage actual consequences.  He can do that on his own with a therapist if he chooses.

There’s a lot of pathology under infidelity. Those who dismiss it as “just sex” are missing many layers of human behavior. [/quote]

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