Breadwinner wants out of the rat race

[Anonymous]

What are the actual #s? I’d have to see them to have an opinion.

What does he make now and what would he be going down to?

$200k will be hard for you to get by on in DC if you are used to fancy vacations and nice dinners out all the time. 400k otoh would be doable and in that case, I’d have to say try to suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your main concern is the drop in income and lifestyle adjustments that will need to happen. Understandable, but that's not really fair to the person who is burdened with maintaining that. I think you need to be as supportive as possible of what your DH wants to do about his career, and find a way as a couple to make that happen for him - just as you'd want him to support your career choices. Sit down together and go over the budget to figure out how things will look, and discuss your concerns with him. But at the end of the day, you really need to trust that he'll make the decision that's best for everyone. Otherwise there's going to be a lot of resentment between you two.

I also don't think you can expect him to handle it the same way you would if you were the one who had stayed in BigLaw. And like you said, you really DON'T know how you'd be feeling at this point in your career had you stayed, so that line of thinking is totally irrelevant.

If you are really concerned about the money, go back to a firm or get a higher paying job yourself.

OP here. Thank you for some actual advice. These are helpful suggestions. As I hope was clear in my post, I do want to support him and do want him to be less stressed and happier. I'm just trying to figure out how to re-jigger the way we save because I want to be prudent about college savings, retirement, etc. and admittedly it was a lot easier to do that with a sky-high HHI.


I'll ignore the other trolls.

This is demonstrably not true. Your initial post *was* clear - it just doesn't say what you now claim it says. In your OP, the questions you asked were "But what do you do when your breadwinner wants to cut your HHI by 60-70%? How do I navigate this with him?" Not "How do a revise our financial plan? how do we go about retirement savings with a reduced income?" You went on and on about how he was going back on the "bargain" and how, if your roles were reversed, *you* would have "toughed it out," and then asked how do you deal with *him*? Not your finances - him.

And now that your are getting pushback, people who are calling you out are trolls, and you just wanted to know what to cut from the budget. You are full of crap, OP. It's clear from your post that you are disgruntled about the potential changes to your lifestyle, and want him to continue in biglaw. All the pablum about "wanting to support him" was just you reciting how you *should* feel, rather than how you actually feel.

And for the record, how you actually feel is pretty damn selfish.

Who are you to judge the op? This is a mean post.

[Anonymous]

Can he look into joining another firm as a non equity partner? My BFF does this. She works a 2/3 schedule (which is still 40-50 hrs), isn’t responsible for bringing in business and still makes 500k +. I don’t know her exact salary but I know it is over 500j and that one year she made over 700k.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand where you are coming from. Prior to getting married and after marriage, DH knew my dream was to be a stay at home mom. He supported that idea up to the point where baby #1 was born and then he changed his mind - he did not want the pressure of being the sole bread winner. That change floored me at the time.. and it took me awhile to get over the sense of betrayal... that he went back on the bargain we had decided on. I won’t promise that it was easy, but at the end of the day I had to adjust. I work in a less intense career that is very family friendly, and I don’t earn a ton, but this was the compromise we came to. I had to give up my dream, and there are still days I am a bit sad about that, but I have managed to come up with some new dreams...

As others have suggested, perhaps there is a middle ground. Planning out the timeline, making sure finances are in order, exploring all job options for both of you, exploring down sizing or moving, etc. And somewhere in there you have to try to let go of the future you envisioned, and try to come up with some new dreams based on the new future you are planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your main concern is the drop in income and lifestyle adjustments that will need to happen. Understandable, but that's not really fair to the person who is burdened with maintaining that. I think you need to be as supportive as possible of what your DH wants to do about his career, and find a way as a couple to make that happen for him - just as you'd want him to support your career choices. Sit down together and go over the budget to figure out how things will look, and discuss your concerns with him. But at the end of the day, you really need to trust that he'll make the decision that's best for everyone. Otherwise there's going to be a lot of resentment between you two.

I also don't think you can expect him to handle it the same way you would if you were the one who had stayed in BigLaw. And like you said, you really DON'T know how you'd be feeling at this point in your career had you stayed, so that line of thinking is totally irrelevant.

If you are really concerned about the money, go back to a firm or get a higher paying job yourself.

OP here. Thank you for some actual advice. These are helpful suggestions. As I hope was clear in my post, I do want to support him and do want him to be less stressed and happier. I'm just trying to figure out how to re-jigger the way we save because I want to be prudent about college savings, retirement, etc. and admittedly it was a lot easier to do that with a sky-high HHI.


I'll ignore the other trolls.

This is demonstrably not true. Your initial post *was* clear - it just doesn't say what you now claim it says. In your OP, the questions you asked were "But what do you do when your breadwinner wants to cut your HHI by 60-70%? How do I navigate this with him?" Not "How do a revise our financial plan? how do we go about retirement savings with a reduced income?" You went on and on about how he was going back on the "bargain" and how, if your roles were reversed, *you* would have "toughed it out," and then asked how do you deal with *him*? Not your finances - him.

And now that your are getting pushback, people who are calling you out are trolls, and you just wanted to know what to cut from the budget. You are full of crap, OP. It's clear from your post that you are disgruntled about the potential changes to your lifestyle, and want him to continue in biglaw. All the pablum about "wanting to support him" was just you reciting how you *should* feel, rather than how you actually feel.

And for the record, how you actually feel is pretty damn selfish.

Who are you to judge the op? This is a mean post.

So in your opinion, comparing the two posts OP has made, pointing out the inconsistencies between them and drawing conclusions based on those posts and inconsistencies is "mean?"

Hey, wait a minute - is this the President?

[Anonymous]

I think I get what you mean, OP. You feel like you sacrificed your career for his. You probably worked really hard to get where you were before you stepped back in order to support him. You wish he would have recognized at the time that he was going to want to quit in a few years and offered to step back himself and support you in your career. Because now, it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Yes post actual numbers including income, expenses, savings.

I think you’ll get more meaningful advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t make bargains in a marriage. You make decisions that work. If you would begrudge your DH what you enjoy then you’re not going to make it together until retirement. Go back to law and let him transition to fed.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he look into joining another firm as a non equity partner? My BFF does this. She works a 2/3 schedule (which is still 40-50 hrs), isn’t responsible for bringing in business and still makes 500k +. I don’t know her exact salary but I know it is over 500j and that one year she made over 700k.

This sounds like a unicorn job. How did she find this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many years has he been a partner and what are you saving and investing per year now (excluding anything for the kids' education - since I view that for kids not you). Aren't you at the point/reaching the point where your investments are throwing off a few hundred thousand per yr -- i.e. another professional adult salary? Btwn that + DH making 150k as a fed (more like 200k if he goes to a financial regulator) + your NP salary -- is your net worth going to take as much of a hit as you think it is? I'm not suggesting your DH goes into the gov't and you start pulling 100k out of your brokerage account/investments yearly but you WILL have the luxury of supplementing 20k or 50k here and there for new cars/renovations/vacations -- things that regular feds don't have usually.

THIS. How are your non-retirement/non-education related investments NOT throwing off an additional 100-200k (at least) yearly? If they are, then yeah you still take an HHI cut, but you're looking at a situation where DH's comp goes from 700k or whatever it is now -- to more like 150k in gov't + 200k in investments, with you making 100k or whatever at your non profit. Can you really not live on ~450k? Not suggesting you should necessarily be selling stock all the time for additional income, but having the ability to do that REALLY will make your life a LOT easier than most gov't worker families. Plus given that your DH has always been biglaw, isn't his client base/work experience 100% financial services (I know mine was but I was in NYC biglaw and IDK if DC firms have a different client base); if so wouldn't it make more sense to try for something like SEC, FDIC etc. -- there he isn't looking at maxing out at 160k, but more like 220-250k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I get what you mean, OP. You feel like you sacrificed your career for his. You probably worked really hard to get where you were before you stepped back in order to support him. You wish he would have recognized at the time that he was going to want to quit in a few years and offered to step back himself and support you in your career. Because now, it’s too late.

Everyone seems to be glossing over this. If I were OP, it would not just be the huge dip in income, it would be that I would really be questioning my own decisions surrounding career. I think because it's biglaw and big money the claws come out, but it's a pretty understandable emotion that you would be worried about the finances and also questioning if you took a wrong turn. I think OP's husband should look for other compromise positions that would split the difference and not be as high-stress. Maybe going in-house. OP should probably look into another job too that pays more than the non-profit world.

[Anonymous]

There are a couple of compromise positions here.

You could both look for good Fed or Fed contractor positions. If you had the equivalent of a GS-15 for him and a GS-13 or so for you, you'd have a very good HHI. His salary would go down a lot, but you could complement that by increasing your salary. Your non-profit job probably pays pretty low. And with a double Fed or double Fed/contractor, you'd have the flexibility you want. My spouse is a Fed (GS-14) and I am a Fed contractor making the equivalent of a GS-15 and we do very well. The added benefit is both of our jobs are pretty demanding, but very flexible and that makes juggling household and family and kids much easier.

Another alternative is that you set a limit of X years that he will continue working in the high stress, high pressure job and that you will cut back your spending a lot now and bank a lot of the money. If you can bank $100-200K of his salary for say the next 5 years, then you'll have $500K-$1M saved up and he can take that GS-15 job with the added cushion of the extra banked money to keep up your life style. And it could be more if you find a way to invest it wisely (say mutual funds with moderate risk).

[Anonymous]

I’m the breadwinner and yearn for less stress... but we made a deal and I have to live with it. But I contemplate divorce so I can get out of this hell I’ve dug myself into.
OP, is that what you want? To one day come home and he wants a divorce because it is too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I get what you mean, OP. You feel like you sacrificed your career for his. You probably worked really hard to get where you were before you stepped back in order to support him. You wish he would have recognized at the time that he was going to want to quit in a few years and offered to step back himself and support you in your career. Because now, it’s too late.

She didn’t sacrifice anything. They were both working equal jobs and she decided to go slower. If anything, he sacrificed for her leisurely pace.

[Anonymous]

PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.