Breadwinner wants out of the rat race

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH every woman I know who quit biglaw bc they had a biglaw DH ALWAYS says -- oh I was TOTALLY partner track. Reality is -- until you get laid off/pushed out, EVERYONE is partner track and most everyone is told, you’re awesome, OF COURSE we want you around. Reality is, they want 99.99% of the folks as associates doing the work. That doesn’t mean they want you as partner. OP doesn’t know if she would’ve made partner bc she left before she was up, but now it is nice revisionist history to say – oh I totally was going to make partner and only quit bc DH said he wanted to lean in so I leaned out.

This is much closer to reality than OP’s version.

+1. It's amazing how many former biglaw associates I know who all spin the story of -- oh I was TOTALLY going to make partner, but I CHOSE to walk away. Yeah right. Just bc you do the work that is required of you and get the requisite pat on the head in reviews doesn't mean you have any chance of making partner esp. in the last 5+ yrs when firms are becoming REALLY stingy about sharing the pie with anyone unless they are fairly positive that person will grow the pie. But after the fact it makes these people feel good that their 96k non profit job was their choice. FWIW -- I always say I left bc I wasn't going to make partner and then people look at me as some kind of loser; reality at my NYC firm was my dept wasn't generating business and was stacked to the gills with service partners they already had to keep busy. No way they were going to take a chance that I - just another "well respected" senior -- with no high level connections was going to be able to bring in business. Left for midlaw which WAS willing to take a chance that someone like me could generate business given time and a billable rate that wasn't thousands of dollars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't care about his happiness or mental/physical health. You want enjoy your high income lifestyle. At least, be honest about it.

Female entitlement at its most obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH every woman I know who quit biglaw bc they had a biglaw DH ALWAYS says -- oh I was TOTALLY partner track. Reality is -- until you get laid off/pushed out, EVERYONE is partner track and most everyone is told, you’re awesome, OF COURSE we want you around. Reality is, they want 99.99% of the folks as associates doing the work. That doesn’t mean they want you as partner. OP doesn’t know if she would’ve made partner bc she left before she was up, but now it is nice revisionist history to say – oh I totally was going to make partner and only quit bc DH said he wanted to lean in so I leaned out.

This is much closer to reality than OP’s version.

+1. It's amazing how many former biglaw associates I know who all spin the story of -- oh I was TOTALLY going to make partner, but I CHOSE to walk away. Yeah right. Just bc you do the work that is required of you and get the requisite pat on the head in reviews doesn't mean you have any chance of making partner esp. in the last 5+ yrs when firms are becoming REALLY stingy about sharing the pie with anyone unless they are fairly positive that person will grow the pie. But after the fact it makes these people feel good that their 96k non profit job was their choice. FWIW -- I always say I left bc I wasn't going to make partner and then people look at me as some kind of loser; reality at my NYC firm was my dept wasn't generating business and was stacked to the gills with service partners they already had to keep busy. No way they were going to take a chance that I - just another "well respected" senior -- with no high level connections was going to be able to bring in business. Left for midlaw which WAS willing to take a chance that someone like me could generate business given time and a billable rate that wasn't thousands of dollars.

Wow, someone who actually knows what they are talking about on this thread.

[Anonymous]

OP, we had friends who relocated to another (smaller) city. He took his BigLaw experiences to a smaller, regional firm instead of the big global ones here. He took a paycut, their house is nicer, kids are still in private schools, rarely travels, works 45-50 hours/ week instead of 70 and takes the kids to school every day. Sounds like a pretty good trade-off.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn’t he look for a partnership at a smaller firm? After more than a decade in BigLaw I was miserable so I accepted a partnership at a litigation boutique. I’m making a great salary but it’s not biglaw partner level. The trade off is worth it. With my salary and my DH’s fed salary we are just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit trashing her folks. She gave up her career aspirations partly to enable him to follow the big law, big money. Now it's too late for her to follow that path but he wants out? I think she has legitimate concerns.

I haven't seen one post trashing her folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are reading too much into OP’s putting her career on hold for the family. The OP did not step down as a partner. We all know everyone is on the partner trade but few make partner. I do not think we can say she is in the same league as her husband, very few make it in big law.

You may think that she is wrong or is lying, but she said in the OP that had things been reversed, she would be where her husband is in his career now.

But she chose to do that. He didn't. She could have chosen not to. It's on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we had friends who relocated to another (smaller) city. He took his BigLaw experiences to a smaller, regional firm instead of the big global ones here. He took a paycut, their house is nicer, kids are still in private schools, rarely travels, works 45-50 hours/ week instead of 70 and takes the kids to school every day. Sounds like a pretty good trade-off.

This is the answer. Big corporations have also realized that they can get a better deal on top quality work from regional firms, so can actually be easier to get in many cases. These lawyers work hard, but not the brutal hours you see in DC and NY.

[Anonymous]

I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

How long has it been this way? If it’s not working why do you keep having kids? I’d sort the marriage out first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

Unless you explicitly had a discussion several years ago where you decided one of you needed to downsize career so other could focus on making partner, your situation isn’t at all the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

Unless you explicitly had a discussion several years ago where you decided one of you needed to downsize career so other could focus on making partner, your situation isn’t at all the same.

It is the same. Having a discussion doesn't act as a permanent contract for misery. Particularly in the law firm context, where associates have no idea what it means to be a partner (and in OPs case, she quit before kids; OPs belief she would have made partner is delusional).

If you are holding a miserable spouse to a conversation had years before kids or the reality of years of 70 hour weeks, you are a sociopathic jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

If your DH makes a decent amount of money and it the default parent, how is he not pulling his weight?. Look for a more life balancing job.

[Anonymous]

I am the much lower earning spouse. This is why we underspent on our house and save aggressively. DH can “downsize” the job whenever he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

If your DH makes a decent amount of money and it the default parent, how is he not pulling his weight?. Look for a more life balancing job.

DO. Having done both roles, the answer because the 60-70 hour breadwinner job is so much harder than easy job and default parent role. I think a lot of women delude themselves into thinking they work as hard as their 60-70 hour working spouse. They do not. The stress of those big jobs is unparalleled.

The PP needs to find a new job that earns a lot less but doesn't come with debilitating stress. The nonprofit worker may need to step it up. But demanding that a spouse work a 60-70 week stressful job so your lifestyle doesn't take a hit is the exact opposite of what it means to love a spouse.