Breadwinner wants out of the rat race

[Anonymous]

I really don't understand why everyone is jumping all over OP. She took a "hit" in her career so that HE could be the breadwinner, and now with one toddler and another on the way, which will only increase expenses, he wants to duck out. I'd be unhappy too.

That said, the legal field isn't just big law or bust. DH and I are lawyers and make combined salary that is more than fed/nonprofit ($350K). We see our kids every morning and night for quality time. I work a lot, but it's flexible. Don't let resentment build. Work on adjusting your "life plan" for yourself first, then communicate with him what the 1 year, 5 year plan should look like so he is satisfied and you are satisfied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't care about his happiness or mental/physical health. You want enjoy your high income lifestyle. At least, be honest about it.

This. I was in biglaw and absolutely hated it. I even turned down an offer a few years back from my former boss to join his firm b/c I didn't want to miss out on seeing my kids grow up. My friends who have remained all have very stressed out lives and health issues. Your husband should get out while he can. This kind of life style is unsustainable. Money is NOT everything.

[Anonymous]

OP, what would your HHI be? At our highest, our HHI was about $400K. It fluctuates a lot for us, going low as $140K to $300K. Maybe we are a lot older than you, but in 15 years we were able to save about $1.8 mil. We are on track to save $2.5 mil in retirement by the time DH hits 59. By retirement age, it should be closer to $3mil, AND we are saving for college for 2. What's not doable with the income adjustment you will have to make?

At one point DH's high paying job was making him stressed out, and along with the long commute, I just didn't think it was worth it. I told him to quit. Yes, we had to adjust our living expenses but it's not like your DH is saying he wants to not work at all. As partners, we support each other. I made a decision to be a sahm at one point which basically killed my career and earning potential. DH wasn't happy about it but he realized that I was really stressed out and unhappy. When the situation was reversed, I had no problem telling him to step away. I also did give him the option of being a sahd and I would work FT.

You guys sound like you have a pretty happy marriage otherwise. Don't f*k it up by being bitter and resentful over having to possibly change your lifestyle. Life's too short to be working that many hours in a job you hate.

As far as expectations, life happens. Expectations need to adjust with it. I'm sure DH expected we'd still be having sex 3x/day when we got married, but life happened, and he had to adjust his expectations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are older but have gone through something similar. Well into our 30's we both had "big jobs" and it was unsustainable with three kids. Our choices were to both dial it back and find more flexible jobs that didn't require travel, or one of us quit. We talked about it at length and I quit. Fast forward 10+ years and DH wants out of the rat race. While I'd be totally happy to go back to work and trade places, that isn't possible. The job I had at age 35 is not going to hire me back at age 50.

After much talking we were able to work through a compromise. DH stayed at his job a few more years, in order for us to meet some financial goals that we defined, primarily funding college & retirement, and so that our kids could stay in their high school. DH recently quit and we are downsizing dramatically to a lower-cost area and lifestyle. I will go back to work -- but after watching me apply to jobs that DH is well aware that any dreams he had of me getting a big job are unrealistic.

I think it is ok to be a little bit upset that the bargain didn't work out. After all, you gave up your career and as much as posters are saying to go back to your old job, that probably isn't an option. Define what you need (for me that was our kids' education) and work from there. FWIW, it is really nice having DH around more after years of long hours and travel.

DP.. I'm a PP, and this is very similar to us and is good advice. We also had to move to a lower col to accommodate this change. But we are pretty frugal, so it wasn't that hard for us. We still live very comfortably though, good schools, large house and yard, flying vacations almost every year.

I can't get back to my old salary either now, which bums me out. But DH wants to stop working soon, so we agreed a few more years till DH reaches 59. Our relationship has been great since the stress level has gone down. Kids are happier too. It was so worth it.

Adjust expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP. I’m double biglaw now so I really understand what you’re saying. Ignore the MRA trolls. Nothing you said was selfish or wrong.

Making partner is a great gold star. You guys have a ton of longer term options. You’re totally right that the comp is back-loaded but walking away from partner *today* doesn’t mean walking away from that comp forever. I work at one of the old school white shoe firms an I know a bunch of partners who did a stint in gov or in house and came back. He just has to be strategic. Help him develop a long term plan that keeps doors open and him at home for a while.

This. Amd I don’t think you are being selfish for questioning making a sacrifice in your career to further his that is much harder to reverse than most posters here seem to think. Of course, you have to move beyond these feelings as they will be detrimental to your marriage.

[Anonymous]

How many years has he been a partner and what are you saving and investing per year now (excluding anything for the kids' education - since I view that for kids not you). Aren't you at the point/reaching the point where your investments are throwing off a few hundred thousand per yr -- i.e. another professional adult salary? Btwn that + DH making 150k as a fed (more like 200k if he goes to a financial regulator) + your NP salary -- is your net worth going to take as much of a hit as you think it is? I'm not suggesting your DH goes into the gov't and you start pulling 100k out of your brokerage account/investments yearly but you WILL have the luxury of supplementing 20k or 50k here and there for new cars/renovations/vacations -- things that regular feds don't have usually.

[Anonymous]

This is not going to be the kind of move that he can snap his fingers and make happen. In the best of times, it was difficult for someone at his level of seniority to get a fed job, now, perhaps near impossible due to reduced hiring. Unless he is going to get a political appointee position, in which case you have a much more serious set of problems.

[Anonymous]

All I can say OP is that we were both law partners, and we both stepped away. Our HHI is less than half of what it used to be, but our retirement accounts are huge, and honestly we don't miss the extra money at all.

The difference in life style and reduced stress more than make up for the change in savings. When you have enough money, time is far more valuable than having even more money. At least, that is how we feel about it.

[Anonymous]

I think your feelings are understandable. We are human beings after all and experience envy, anger, jealousy etc. So acknowledge your feelings and let yourself feel them. But then remind yourself that this scenario is not really fair to dh and that he is unhappy. And you want him to be happy. Then let those old feelings go and start looking for ways to feel positive about the changes to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many years has he been a partner and what are you saving and investing per year now (excluding anything for the kids' education - since I view that for kids not you). Aren't you at the point/reaching the point where your investments are throwing off a few hundred thousand per yr -- i.e. another professional adult salary? Btwn that + DH making 150k as a fed (more like 200k if he goes to a financial regulator) + your NP salary -- is your net worth going to take as much of a hit as you think it is? I'm not suggesting your DH goes into the gov't and you start pulling 100k out of your brokerage account/investments yearly but you WILL have the luxury of supplementing 20k or 50k here and there for new cars/renovations/vacations -- things that regular feds don't have usually.

I was waiting to see this type of response. It wasn't clear from the OP's initial post whether her family has "golden handcuffs" that are dependent on his BIGLAW income. If this is the case, then the blame partially falls on OP. She and her DH both knew what BIGLAW partnership entailed when they made their "bargain" - if she didn't ensure that their family didn't put on golden handcuffs, then she needs to accept responsibility and the "pain" that comes with living on $300-$400k a year. If this isn't the case, and OP has been responsible in saving her DH's BIGLAW income into retirement accounts, taxable investments, house payments, college savings, HSAs, etc... then years of such allocations should be able to grow under their own power (or require less annual contributions to sustain their growth).

My DW is earning BIGLAW-equivalent money in finance, and I earned the same as a lawyer until I switched jobs due to unsustainable stress. Fortunately, we lived on less than 25% of our gross HHI, and we will still be able to do so despite me earning less money in my current job. Our investments over the past 10 years throw off substantial dividends and growth appreciation, with everything being reinvested.

OP - In the end, a marriage is a partnership and there are no "bargains" for life - unless you want your DH's life to be that much shorter. Consider whether money today is worth not having DH around later....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should consider moving to a lower COL area and he could be a partner in a smaller city. Fewer hours, less pressure, and lifestyle won’t change because money goes farther.

+1. Great idea. OP mentioned that she and her DH grew up in a lower COL area. So did I, and we just returned from a 1 week vacation to visit my family there (a mid-sized Midwestern town). I was blown away by how you can have such a nice life there without earning a ton of money. As a small example, their indoor tennis facilities are gorgeous and paid for by the county -- they were as nice as if not nicer than some of the country clubs I've seen in our area that have initiation fees of $80000. Their public schools are excellent. Their health care does not require going to out-of-network doctors. Everything was so clean and nice, and my high school friends have beautiful large new-construction homes. They take wonderful vacations.

We are in the DC area (Bethesda), and used to have 2 Biglaw jobs before our kids were born. For the past 10 years, we've had one of us in-house and one of us in a fed attorney job. We like our jobs and feel grateful. But we do not have a ton of extra money due to the high cost of everything here in the DC area. The recent visit to my hometown really made me miss that wonderful life in a lower COL area. Mine happens to also be a university town, and so tons of stuff going on. Lots of white-collar jobs.

I would consider moving if I were in your shoes, especially as it gets difficult to move once your kids get established. If your husband becomes a fed attorney, trust me that you'll feel it pretty quickly ($164,000 max salary unless you're at the SEC or similar, with very little bonus potential, and almost no raises), particularly if you have 2 young kids (and therefore need a lot of childcare with both of you working full-time).

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like he was really in on that bargain -- he got promoted to partner (presumably after working a few more years) and is working 70 hours a week, for heaven's sake. You say you'll be fine on a lower salary. Let him do it -- you never wish that you'd spent less time with your family when all is said and done.

I'm also a biglaw breadwinner, looking to cut our HHI in half by moving in house. And it will be a STRUGGLE for us. Nevertheless, my DH is so supportive. I can't imagine the stress and guilt if my partner insisted that I should keep working in this job indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are sort of in this situation with me being the significant breadwinner because DH is not in a field that makes a ton. I’m in my mid-forties and absolutely exhausted and DH is aware of it. We sat down and determined our financial goals (529s, post tax investments, 401ks, etc) and how much collectively we need to earn annually once those goals are met. As soon as we meet our goals I will change jobs. It is incredibly liberating to know i’m looking at 5 to 6 more years instead of 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't care about his happiness or mental/physical health. You want enjoy your high income lifestyle. At least, be honest about it.

This. Holy crap.

Op, start researching how chronic stress affects life expectancy and you may be a bit more supportive about your husband’s desire to change.

[Anonymous]

11:14 and 11:25 are both right.

We’re going to do w/o some extra income this year because DH is recovering from cancer. I could “step up” to replace it, but we decided to make due and enjoy the family time instead. Sometimes ensuring continued quality of life is available in ways other than maintaining your HHI.