Breadwinner wants out of the rat race

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

If your DH makes a decent amount of money and it the default parent, how is he not pulling his weight?. Look for a more life balancing job.

Yeah, why not just get a different job?

Tell him to get a high paying job if he wants the big salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

If your DH makes a decent amount of money and it the default parent, how is he not pulling his weight?. Look for a more life balancing job.

Yeah, why not just get a different job?

Tell him to get a high paying job if he wants the big salary.

I think both PP and OPs husband should take this approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

You are making a big salary pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. It is a lot of stress and you get a fat salary to handle this stress. You get paid 5x to 10x more than an average worker to handle that pressure. If you are too weak to handle it, quit and you'll be replaced by someone who can. This is life and it is as simple as that.
Maybe your DH thought that you had a thick skin and could handle it. You can't and that's fine. There is no shame to it. Not everyone is willing to work hard.
We are not all made from the same cloth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

If your DH makes a decent amount of money and it the default parent, how is he not pulling his weight?. Look for a more life balancing job.

Yeah, why not just get a different job?

Tell him to get a high paying job if he wants the big salary.

I think both PP and OPs husband should take this approach.

PP here. I am getting a different job. And I have told DH he can get a different job too. And I never said he’s not pulling his weight. No one should be “expected” to do either or. If one spouse says hey I can’t continue to do xyz they need to figure out how to make life work for their situation. Otherwise, that’s where resentment comes in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

If your DH makes a decent amount of money and it the default parent, how is he not pulling his weight?. Look for a more life balancing job.

Yeah, why not just get a different job?

Tell him to get a high paying job if he wants the big salary.

I think both PP and OPs husband should take this approach.

PP here. I am getting a different job. And I have told DH he can get a different job too. And I never said he’s not pulling his weight. No one should be “expected” to do either or. If one spouse says hey I can’t continue to do xyz they need to figure out how to make life work for their situation. Otherwise, that’s where resentment comes in.

Good for you! ITA with your last two sentences.

[Anonymous]

I agree with previous posters who have indicated that the OP's DH needs to do more than complain and want to quit. He needs to have a plan for escaping BIGLAW, which includes working with the OP on a plan to manage the family finances. He can't just quit and become the equivalent of a goat herder. They need to look at their spending, their savings, their long-term financial goals, and all of the alternatives. This isn't a one-and-done discussion. There are numerous factors to consider, and DH will likely need 12 months to transition into something else (i.e. network around).

In the end, the OP's DH has every right to want to quit BIGLAW, but at the same time he has a responsibility to minimize the sudden disruption of his family life. Otherwise, he'll end up divorced and need the BIGLAW partnership income to pay alimony and child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

Unless you explicitly had a discussion several years ago where you decided one of you needed to downsize career so other could focus on making partner, your situation isn’t at all the same.

It is the same. Having a discussion doesn't act as a permanent contract for misery. Particularly in the law firm context, where associates have no idea what it means to be a partner (and in OPs case, she quit before kids; OPs belief she would have made partner is delusional).

If you are holding a miserable spouse to a conversation had years before kids or the reality of years of 70 hour weeks, you are a sociopathic jerk.

No one is talking about holding him to a contract, the situations simply aren’t analogous because you are not her and vice versa. By the way, having been one, most senior associates actually have a very good idea of what it being a partner is like.

It sounds like you are looking for ways to belittle others because of your own unhappiness. Food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your main concern is the drop in income and lifestyle adjustments that will need to happen. Understandable, but that's not really fair to the person who is burdened with maintaining that. I think you need to be as supportive as possible of what your DH wants to do about his career, and find a way as a couple to make that happen for him - just as you'd want him to support your career choices. Sit down together and go over the budget to figure out how things will look, and discuss your concerns with him. But at the end of the day, you really need to trust that he'll make the decision that's best for everyone. Otherwise there's going to be a lot of resentment between you two.

I also don't think you can expect him to handle it the same way you would if you were the one who had stayed in BigLaw. And like you said, you really DON'T know how you'd be feeling at this point in your career had you stayed, so that line of thinking is totally irrelevant.

If you are really concerned about the money, go back to a firm or get a higher paying job yourself.

OP here. Thank you for some actual advice. These are helpful suggestions. As I hope was clear in my post, I do want to support him and do want him to be less stressed and happier. I'm just trying to figure out how to re-jigger the way we save because I want to be prudent about college savings, retirement, etc. and admittedly it was a lot easier to do that with a sky-high HHI.

I'll ignore the other trolls.

Start your spending plan as if he had the Fed job and do this for at least six months to see if you can handle it. Figure out what you would save if he were to to Fed and set your budget accordingly. If you can handle it for 6 months, go for 6 more months. Then you will have a nice additional amount saved that can help bolster the retirement/college coffers. Are there any student loans? And could you handle the mortgage on the Fed job and your salary.

Can you also get a Fed job that pays more than your current job. Double Feds would have more I need come and more flexibility than you currently have-plus a pension and healthcare when you retire.

This is the best advice in the thread. You guys save 2/3 of your HHI. Then you step up, and he steps down, both as feds.

P.S. You should've been living on 1/2 your HHI anyway. When you are both feds, please still save aggressively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your main concern is the drop in income and lifestyle adjustments that will need to happen. Understandable, but that's not really fair to the person who is burdened with maintaining that. I think you need to be as supportive as possible of what your DH wants to do about his career, and find a way as a couple to make that happen for him - just as you'd want him to support your career choices. Sit down together and go over the budget to figure out how things will look, and discuss your concerns with him. But at the end of the day, you really need to trust that he'll make the decision that's best for everyone. Otherwise there's going to be a lot of resentment between you two.

I also don't think you can expect him to handle it the same way you would if you were the one who had stayed in BigLaw. And like you said, you really DON'T know how you'd be feeling at this point in your career had you stayed, so that line of thinking is totally irrelevant.

If you are really concerned about the money, go back to a firm or get a higher paying job yourself.

OP here. Thank you for some actual advice. These are helpful suggestions. As I hope was clear in my post, I do want to support him and do want him to be less stressed and happier. I'm just trying to figure out how to re-jigger the way we save because I want to be prudent about college savings, retirement, etc. and admittedly it was a lot easier to do that with a sky-high HHI.

I'll ignore the other trolls.

Start your spending plan as if he had the Fed job and do this for at least six months to see if you can handle it. Figure out what you would save if he were to to Fed and set your budget accordingly. If you can handle it for 6 months, go for 6 more months. Then you will have a nice additional amount saved that can help bolster the retirement/college coffers. Are there any student loans? And could you handle the mortgage on the Fed job and your salary.

Can you also get a Fed job that pays more than your current job. Double Feds would have more I need come and more flexibility than you currently have-plus a pension and healthcare when you retire.

This is the best advice in the thread. You guys save 2/3 of your HHI. Then you step up, and he steps down, both as feds.

P.S. You should've been living on 1/2 your HHI anyway. When you are both feds, please still save aggressively.

This. Highly paid jobs tend to be fickle and hard to replace. When my DH has one for many years, we knew it would be hard to replace and when the company got bought, DH’s new job was a 6 figure paycut. Good thing we had never gotten used to the other salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few years ago, DH and I were both biglaw senior associates. Both well-regarded, both in partner-track positions. But after getting tired of never seeing one another, we decided that something had to give, and agreed that I'd transition to a nonprofit job -- not really law-related -- with a 9-5 schedule, located pretty close to our home in NoVa, and he'd keep working toward promotion. It wasn't a formal "deal" or "agreement," more just a joint decision that based on where we were at the time, it made sense and would free me up to be more supportive on the homefront. I feel like I would have been happy to continue working toward promotion and keep working in biglaw, even though that industry was and is extraordinarily stressful, so I admit that one additional benefit of this has been that I'm a lot less stressed and happier.

That's worked well so far. DH got promoted to partner, is well liked, has a bright future career-wise. But like I said, the industry is stressful and it's weighing on him. He works about 70 hours a week. He wants to leave, possibly for a fed job that would cut our HHI by maybe 2/3.

I desperately want DH to be less stressed and to be happy. For that reason I've taken on everything I possibly can at home and with the kid (one 3 year old and one on the way). And I know first-hand how hard biglaw can be on you. And we could get by on the reduced salary. We both came from nothing so a GS-15 and my nonprofit salaries combined are more than we dreamed of as kids. (Although our parents were raising us in very low COL areas.) And we've been saving a bunch, with the eventual goal of early retirement -- meanwhile enjoying the fact that one benefit of the partner salary is nice vacations and the ability to splurge on a nice dinner here and there. So we could be "ok" on the reduced salary.

Is it crazy of me, though, to feel a little upset that our bargain is falling apart? He would (rightly) counter that it was never a set-in-stone "deal" that he would work as a biglaw partner forever. But we knew that I was pretty much writing my law career off when I made my switch, and that I did it to make our home life better thinking that he would stay in biglaw. And there's a part of me that feels like I wouldn't be doing this to him if the roles were reversed. I'd be toughing it out and enjoying how much he did at home on a 9-5 schedule. But who really knows? That's very easy for me to say. Another part is that biglaw partner compensation is generally weighted toward the end of your career, so I feel like if he left we'd be throwing away the "investment" of the early career long hours and stress.

He's a wonderful man and a great dad, and I adore him for providing for us so far. But what do you do when your breadwinner wants to cut your HHI by 60-70%? How do I navigate this with him?

Just reread some of the things you've written OP. You desperately want your wonderful husband to be less stressed and happy. He is currently working 70+ hours a week and is stressed and unhappy. And you don't need the money. I don't think you're "crazy," but if your stated priorities are in fact your true priorities, your choice is clear.

[Anonymous]

How about having you jump back in to Big Law. Yes you’ll have to work your way back up, but your ambition will carry you thru.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about having you jump back in to Big Law. Yes you’ll have to work your way back up, but your ambition will carry you thru.

You obviously are not a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and my husband works at a non-profit making decent but not big four money he could be making as a senior auditor somewhere else. We have a three year old and a baby on the way. Let me just say, you start to resent the hell out of your partner when you’re pulling these 60-70 hour weeks. I do not feel like I should have to kill myself to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are having the same conversations and it does feel like DH “expects” me to pull this big salary. All the while I’ve had one miscarriage and already been to the emergency room due to my hyperemesis with this pregnancy. If your partner is saying he can’t or doesn’t want to handle it anymore all need to be able to readjust their expectations. For their sanity and your marriage and family life. Otherwise, it’s going to become the resentment show. It’s a partnership not a bargain.

Unless you explicitly had a discussion several years ago where you decided one of you needed to downsize career so other could focus on making partner, your situation isn’t at all the same.

It is the same. Having a discussion doesn't act as a permanent contract for misery. Particularly in the law firm context, where associates have no idea what it means to be a partner (and in OPs case, she quit before kids; OPs belief she would have made partner is delusional).

If you are holding a miserable spouse to a conversation had years before kids or the reality of years of 70 hour weeks, you are a sociopathic jerk.

No one is talking about holding him to a contract, the situations simply aren’t analogous because you are not her and vice versa. By the way, having been one, most senior associates actually have a very good idea of what it being a partner is like.

It sounds like you are looking for ways to belittle others because of your own unhappiness. Food for thought.

Not sure what was belittling about that post? Do you think making a spouse stay in a miserable, 70 hour week job based on a conversation had years before is acceptable, healthy behavior?

In any event you sound super defensive. What are you holding your.poor spouse to?

[Anonymous]

OP, you either go and BOTH get in-house counsel jobs or some sort of federal gigs, or you suck it up. Because you wanting to sit on your ass at home AND have a huge household income is selfish. DH has needs and limits too, you don't get to suck life out of him with your demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't care about his happiness or mental/physical health. You want enjoy your high income lifestyle. At least, be honest about it.

This. Holy crap.

Never met a lawyer yet that is not a greedy turd. Posts like this continue to confirm my observation.