Moms trying to orchestrate their kids social standing

[Anonymous]

Oh brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I rarely attend any mom group activities due to my work schedule, but this week I was able to join a parents meet and great and play group for all of my sons first grade classmates (there are 5 1st grade classes at his school). While all the kids were happily playing, a group of moms went over all of the class list and had been discussing who all the popular kids are in each class. Then they all went on to figure out how they could all get these kids to play with their kids. Is this a total anomaly? This is first grade, not HS. I’m not really involved in my sons social life, since he’s perfectly happy playing with a few friends from K and the kids on the block. None of this behavior would have ever occurred to me. Frankly, I think it’s pretty pathetic and it makes me sad that parents are passing on this mindset so early to their children.

Everyone tries to pass what they know onto their child. These moms understand social networking well. They are trying to teach it to their kids.

In time or perhaps already, you as a mom with a job and a career outside your home will pass on those skills to your children, to the best of your ability. And just as you would be disappointed if your children turn out to be indifferent students or ambition-less adults, those moms would be sad if their kids matured into socially awkward adults who cannot make the "right" connections.

Uh- no. A mother with a career passing on career skills, even including networking skills, to her kids is NOT analogous to mothers who stay at home trying to get their kids to be part of a certain social group (esp. at age 6). I can mommy war with the best of them but this is F&CKED up to say this is moms who work @ home vs don't issue.

Yours is the opposite of a sane and balanced response as anpother PP put it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, have never heard of this. Ever.

Not have I and I suspect OP is totally exaggerating. They were reading through the lists and saying, “Oh, Reed is in Ms. Bing’s class, Chase is in Ms. Scooby’s class.” Maybe those kids were with their kids in K and they got along.

OP here. Not exaggerating at all. The convo when as follows. “Oh Jake is in my sons class and he said he was the most popular kid last year, let’s invite him to our next playgroup.” “My son says Noah is the best at baseball and hockey. We should invite his mom to our group.” On and on down the list

OP, sorry, but I have kids slightly older than yours and I'm not buying this.

If Jake is in first grade now, this means he was in K last year. There is no kindergarterner in the world, especially a boy, who would identify someone as "the most popular kid." They don't know what the word means. The mothers may have been paraphrasing to make their point, but I think this inaccuracy speaks to your misunderstanding of the entire situation.

Kids don't use popular but I certainly have heard of them forming the "cool kids club" and would exclude others. This is for both boys and girls at our school.

They absolutely do! Just yesterday, at the pool, I heard two 4th grade girls talking loudly about someone who is 'so popular and so fashionable'. Quote-end-quote.

[Anonymous]

I had a mom tell her kid that he wasn't allowed to play with my kid in maybe 3rd or 4th grade. My kid has high functioning autism so that was really special. Turns out she has another special needs child, too.

My only comment is be glad if your child is outside of the "social engineering " mom circle. The best part is you don't have to socialize with those loons for parties and playdates.

[Anonymous]

How on earth do these moms determine what kids are "popular" before 1st grade has even begun?! That's just nuts. Be glad if these women are not your friends, OP.

[Anonymous]

The only “social engineering” I do, aside from trying to teach my kids the value of good manners and kindness, is to make sure they never step out of the house smelling bad or having not brushed their teeth. Everything else is up to them. But I don’t want them to deal with the social repercussions of being the smelly kid. ????

[Anonymous]

I do think about the popularity of another child when I think about my tween becoming friends with the other kid. I am biased against the popular kids if I am honest with myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a mom tell her kid that he wasn't allowed to play with my kid in maybe 3rd or 4th grade. My kid has high functioning autism so that was really special. Turns out she has another special needs child, too.

My only comment is be glad if your child is outside of the "social engineering " mom circle. The best part is you don't have to socialize with those loons for parties and playdates.

This is just sad. It would never even occur to me to tell my kid not to play with another kid. I'm just happy to see them make a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I rarely attend any mom group activities due to my work schedule, but this week I was able to join a parents meet and great and play group for all of my sons first grade classmates (there are 5 1st grade classes at his school). While all the kids were happily playing, a group of moms went over all of the class list and had been discussing who all the popular kids are in each class. Then they all went on to figure out how they could all get these kids to play with their kids. Is this a total anomaly? This is first grade, not HS. I’m not really involved in my sons social life, since he’s perfectly happy playing with a few friends from K and the kids on the block. None of this behavior would have ever occurred to me. Frankly, I think it’s pretty pathetic and it makes me sad that parents are passing on this mindset so early to their children.

Everyone tries to pass what they know onto their child. These moms understand social networking well. They are trying to teach it to their kids.

In time or perhaps already, you as a mom with a job and a career outside your home will pass on those skills to your children, to the best of your ability. And just as you would be disappointed if your children turn out to be indifferent students or ambition-less adults, those moms would be sad if their kids matured into socially awkward adults who cannot make the "right" connections.

Uh- no. A mother with a career passing on career skills, even including networking skills, to her kids is NOT analogous to mothers who stay at home trying to get their kids to be part of a certain social group (esp. at age 6). I can mommy war with the best of them but this is F&CKED up to say this is moms who work @ home vs don't issue.

Yours is the opposite of a sane and balanced response as anpother PP put it

x10000

That's some effed up behavior right there - serious control issues and personality defects and deficits. Very serious. Do your daughter a favor and let her choose her own friends.

Are you the mom that commanders a "vacation" and leaves the best friend out, so your daughter can wedge herself in? What is going to happen when (not if) a man breaks up with her? She going to hang on his leg as he walks out the door? Geezus, hope I am there to see that.

Everyone knows moms like you and your behavior always backfires. Always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a mom tell her kid that he wasn't allowed to play with my kid in maybe 3rd or 4th grade. My kid has high functioning autism so that was really special. Turns out she has another special needs child, too.

My only comment is be glad if your child is outside of the "social engineering " mom circle. The best part is you don't have to socialize with those loons for parties and playdates.

This is just sad. It would never even occur to me to tell my kid not to play with another kid. I'm just happy to see them make a friend.

x1000

These are women who had social issues growing up, and never once forgot how bad they were treated. Instead of learning and growing from the behavior, they became stunted, decided to take it out on someone else. It is how the abuse cycle works. Stay away, you want no part of that obvious and immature behavior. Healthy grown women do not act like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, have never heard of this. Ever.

Not have I and I suspect OP is totally exaggerating. They were reading through the lists and saying, “Oh, Reed is in Ms. Bing’s class, Chase is in Ms. Scooby’s class.” Maybe those kids were with their kids in K and they got along.

OP here. Not exaggerating at all. The convo when as follows. “Oh Jake is in my sons class and he said he was the most popular kid last year, let’s invite him to our next playgroup.” “My son says Noah is the best at baseball and hockey. We should invite his mom to our group.” On and on down the list

OP, sorry, but I have kids slightly older than yours and I'm not buying this.

If Jake is in first grade now, this means he was in K last year. There is no kindergarterner in the world, especially a boy, who would identify someone as "the most popular kid." They don't know what the word means. The mothers may have been paraphrasing to make their point, but I think this inaccuracy speaks to your misunderstanding of the entire situation.

Kids don't use popular but I certainly have heard of them forming the "cool kids club" and would exclude others. This is for both boys and girls at our school.

They absolutely do! Just yesterday, at the pool, I heard two 4th grade girls talking loudly about someone who is 'so popular and so fashionable'. Quote-end-quote.

Yeah, but in some communities, it is the insecure moms perpetuating this BS.

I've seen it with southern moms, don't know why. Maybe its that whole "Toddler and Tiaras" mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, have never heard of this. Ever.

Not have I and I suspect OP is totally exaggerating. They were reading through the lists and saying, “Oh, Reed is in Ms. Bing’s class, Chase is in Ms. Scooby’s class.” Maybe those kids were with their kids in K and they got along.

OP here. Not exaggerating at all. The convo when as follows. “Oh Jake is in my sons class and he said he was the most popular kid last year, let’s invite him to our next playgroup.” “My son says Noah is the best at baseball and hockey. We should invite his mom to our group.” On and on down the list

OP, sorry, but I have kids slightly older than yours and I'm not buying this.

If Jake is in first grade now, this means he was in K last year. There is no kindergarterner in the world, especially a boy, who would identify someone as "the most popular kid." They don't know what the word means. The mothers may have been paraphrasing to make their point, but I think this inaccuracy speaks to your misunderstanding of the entire situation.

My son wouldn't say something like that either. But popularity is important to these moms, so the kids learn it from them. These types of moms probably frequently ask their kids who is popular. "Oh, you played with Johnny today? Is he popular? Does he have tons of friends? Does he have lots of playdates at his house?" Eventually the kid learns what "popular" means, and figures out the type of classmates he's supposed to be hanging out with.

[Anonymous]

Kids know who the popular and cool kids are very early on. My son used finger quotes about that group of boys that are "athletes" in kindergarden, lamenting that he wasn't in their group. And we totally don't have groups, so this was something learned completely on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids know who the popular and cool kids are very early on. My son used finger quotes about that group of boys that are "athletes" in kindergarden, lamenting that he wasn't in their group. And we totally don't have groups, so this was something learned completely on his own.

But if you as the parent show it is not an issue IRL (because its not), then your kid will get that message, and that is what is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I rarely attend any mom group activities due to my work schedule, but this week I was able to join a parents meet and great and play group for all of my sons first grade classmates (there are 5 1st grade classes at his school). While all the kids were happily playing, a group of moms went over all of the class list and had been discussing who all the popular kids are in each class. Then they all went on to figure out how they could all get these kids to play with their kids. Is this a total anomaly? This is first grade, not HS. I’m not really involved in my sons social life, since he’s perfectly happy playing with a few friends from K and the kids on the block. None of this behavior would have ever occurred to me. Frankly, I think it’s pretty pathetic and it makes me sad that parents are passing on this mindset so early to their children.

Everyone tries to pass what they know onto their child. These moms understand social networking well. They are trying to teach it to their kids.

In time or perhaps already, you as a mom with a job and a career outside your home will pass on those skills to your children, to the best of your ability. And just as you would be disappointed if your children turn out to be indifferent students or ambition-less adults, those moms would be sad if their kids matured into socially awkward adults who cannot make the "right" connections.

Uh- no. A mother with a career passing on career skills, even including networking skills, to her kids is NOT analogous to mothers who stay at home trying to get their kids to be part of a certain social group (esp. at age 6). I can mommy war with the best of them but this is F&CKED up to say this is moms who work @ home vs don't issue.

Yours is the opposite of a sane and balanced response as anpother PP put it

NP. I believe OP’s story, as I see desperate social climbing moms around me. These women are both SAHM and WOHM. However, the one that surprised me the most is the super crunchy (WOHM) one who claims to be above it all, who was actually orchestrating play dates and signing her kids up for sports to be with the “right”clique.