Best Guy Friend, His New GF, and Vacation - Help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way should you say yes. This is a GUYS' trip not a 3rd wheel trip. She sounds like a controlling, insecure nutcase - she's "not comfortable" with her brand new boyfriend fulfilling a commitment he made before he even knew her? I would respond with something like, "Dude, are you f*%*^ crazy? I'm sure she is a lovely woman and I look forward to spending time with the two of you at some point, but there is no way I'm going on this trip as a 3rd wheel." Don't feel guilty - just help him see the absolute absurdity of his ask. If she is this controlling after only 3 dates, God help this guy if he marries her. Your friendship will be toast.

And I can't believe people above are telling you that you should let her come.

I could be wrong, but I believe OP is a woman.

OP’s physical gender doesn’t negate that its a guy trip, marked by laughs and zero drama. The inclusion of this new clingy GF automatically makes it not a guy trip, which is not what OP had signed up for.

How is it a guy trip if one of them is a woman? You don't know the op,the friend or the girlfriend! How can you all judge away? If op is uncomfortable just tell the friend that you would rather keep the trip as is OR he pays for your half of the trip ( and you can go later) At least you will have your money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but I'm team gf here. I was in the exact same situation- long distance bf who has planned a vacation with a couple female friends- and I wanted to be the "cool" girlfriend who was okay with it. He ended up sleeping with at least one of them. I know OP says she doesn't like her friend that way, but I'd still be very uncomfortable with it, especially since it seems like they are sharing accommodations.

I think her friend has found a reasonable compromise by letting his gf come along. He could have just cancelled the entire trip. We don't know that gf is possessive or controlling; she could have just talked with him about her discomfort- like adults do- and he came up with the solution of letting her come along to show that nothing is going on. This is potentially his life partner, and her comfort is more important that not hurting a female friend's feelings.

It's also odd to me how possessive OP is of this friend. It's like she wants all his attention and to have him cater to her feelings, without actually having to be his girlfriend. OP comes across as way more jealous than gf does.

You are projecting. It is understandable based on what happened to you but the reality is that situation's like OPs are plentiful and reasonable.

[Anonymous]

seriously, bow out. the GF will thank you. your friendship with coworker guy will solidify. you're entering a new phase and that's OK!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but I'm team gf here. I was in the exact same situation- long distance bf who has planned a vacation with a couple female friends- and I wanted to be the "cool" girlfriend who was okay with it. He ended up sleeping with at least one of them. I know OP says she doesn't like her friend that way, but I'd still be very uncomfortable with it, especially since it seems like they are sharing accommodations.

I think her friend has found a reasonable compromise by letting his gf come along. He could have just cancelled the entire trip. We don't know that gf is possessive or controlling; she could have just talked with him about her discomfort- like adults do- and he came up with the solution of letting her come along to show that nothing is going on. This is potentially his life partner, and her comfort is more important that not hurting a female friend's feelings.

It's also odd to me how possessive OP is of this friend. It's like she wants all his attention and to have him cater to her feelings, without actually having to be his girlfriend. OP comes across as way more jealous than gf does.

There was nothing magical about traveling that made him cheat on you; a guy who would do this was always going to cheat on you eventually. Wouldn't you rather find out early than after you had enmeshed your life with him?

[Anonymous]

OP again. I'm still going to sit on this for another 24 hours at least, but I think the best thing I can do is be honest with him that I'm not comfortable being third wheel on this trip. That I'm still fine going if he wants to go, but that if he wants to go with her, he should, and that he can buy me out of my portion.

This way he has to make the decision and I don't have to take responsibility for making the difficult call. It really sucks for me to not be able to go on this trip, but the place isn't going anywhere, I get all my money back, and I may be able to go with my very best girlfriend next year. It will likely damage my friendship with him, but is not the end of the world. That was likely to happen any way and I'll be just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm still going to sit on this for another 24 hours at least, but I think the best thing I can do is be honest with him that I'm not comfortable being third wheel on this trip. That I'm still fine going if he wants to go, but that if he wants to go with her, he should, and that he can buy me out of my portion.

This way he has to make the decision and I don't have to take responsibility for making the difficult call. It really sucks for me to not be able to go on this trip, but the place isn't going anywhere, I get all my money back, and I may be able to go with my very best girlfriend next year. It will likely damage my friendship with him, but is not the end of the world. That was likely to happen any way and I'll be just fine.

What about you going but not him? Or them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm still going to sit on this for another 24 hours at least, but I think the best thing I can do is be honest with him that I'm not comfortable being third wheel on this trip. That I'm still fine going if he wants to go, but that if he wants to go with her, he should, and that he can buy me out of my portion.

This way he has to make the decision and I don't have to take responsibility for making the difficult call. It really sucks for me to not be able to go on this trip, but the place isn't going anywhere, I get all my money back, and I may be able to go with my very best girlfriend next year. It will likely damage my friendship with him, but is not the end of the world. That was likely to happen any way and I'll be just fine.

I think this sounds like the best plan OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but I'm team gf here. I was in the exact same situation- long distance bf who has planned a vacation with a couple female friends- and I wanted to be the "cool" girlfriend who was okay with it. He ended up sleeping with at least one of them. I know OP says she doesn't like her friend that way, but I'd still be very uncomfortable with it, especially since it seems like they are sharing accommodations.

I think her friend has found a reasonable compromise by letting his gf come along. He could have just cancelled the entire trip. We don't know that gf is possessive or controlling; she could have just talked with him about her discomfort- like adults do- and he came up with the solution of letting her come along to show that nothing is going on. This is potentially his life partner, and her comfort is more important that not hurting a female friend's feelings.

It's also odd to me how possessive OP is of this friend. It's like she wants all his attention and to have him cater to her feelings, without actually having to be his girlfriend. OP comes across as way more jealous than gf does.

There was nothing magical about traveling that made him cheat on you; a guy who would do this was always going to cheat on you eventually. Wouldn't you rather find out early than after you had enmeshed your life with him?

OP again. For the record, this girl was not in the picture when this trip was planned. They had met, but had not decided to date. He kept it from me until about two weeks ago.

I am also on team GF and have told him multiple times that I don't want her to feel uncomfortable with our friendship and to please let her know if we are hanging out and that I want to meet her. I've asked him if he wants me to talk to her about the whole thing and if that would help. I get it. I would not love the situation either. We obviously will not be planning a trip like this again if they are still together, unless we all wanted to do it together. I would never do that to her.

But selfishly, I was very excited about this trip. I don't think its wrong to not want to be third wheel or to feel like I've wasted a lot of money on not having a good time. It is a bad situation timing-wise. But I don't know why I automatically have to be the one to pay the price instead of her being understanding of a four year friendship and a trip planned before she was even on the radar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but I'm team gf here. I was in the exact same situation- long distance bf who has planned a vacation with a couple female friends- and I wanted to be the "cool" girlfriend who was okay with it. He ended up sleeping with at least one of them. I know OP says she doesn't like her friend that way, but I'd still be very uncomfortable with it, especially since it seems like they are sharing accommodations.

I think her friend has found a reasonable compromise by letting his gf come along. He could have just cancelled the entire trip. We don't know that gf is possessive or controlling; she could have just talked with him about her discomfort- like adults do- and he came up with the solution of letting her come along to show that nothing is going on. This is potentially his life partner, and her comfort is more important that not hurting a female friend's feelings.

It's also odd to me how possessive OP is of this friend. It's like she wants all his attention and to have him cater to her feelings, without actually having to be his girlfriend. OP comes across as way more jealous than gf does.

You are projecting. It is understandable based on what happened to you but the reality is that situation's like OPs are plentiful and reasonable.

+1

Not unreasonable for OP to be annoyed that she’s been asked to alter expensive existing travel plans for a stranger. You need to grow up a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm still going to sit on this for another 24 hours at least, but I think the best thing I can do is be honest with him that I'm not comfortable being third wheel on this trip. That I'm still fine going if he wants to go, but that if he wants to go with her, he should, and that he can buy me out of my portion.

This way he has to make the decision and I don't have to take responsibility for making the difficult call. It really sucks for me to not be able to go on this trip, but the place isn't going anywhere, I get all my money back, and I may be able to go with my very best girlfriend next year. It will likely damage my friendship with him, but is not the end of the world. That was likely to happen any way and I'll be just fine.

What about you going but not him? Or them?

I would only want to do this if I could find another friend to come along, and I'm not sure I can a month out. I can't really afford our accommodations alone, and I don't think it would be as fun for me, so likely not an option. Clearly I need to get better at being a solo traveler so I can avoid this situation all together!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm still going to sit on this for another 24 hours at least, but I think the best thing I can do is be honest with him that I'm not comfortable being third wheel on this trip. That I'm still fine going if he wants to go, but that if he wants to go with her, he should, and that he can buy me out of my portion.

This way he has to make the decision and I don't have to take responsibility for making the difficult call. It really sucks for me to not be able to go on this trip, but the place isn't going anywhere, I get all my money back, and I may be able to go with my very best girlfriend next year. It will likely damage my friendship with him, but is not the end of the world. That was likely to happen any way and I'll be just fine.

I think this sounds like the best plan OP!

Agree 1000% Since your coworker and his girlfriend are causing all the issues, he should suck up the cost of any change in plans. He needs to buy you out and take his girlfriend instead or go on the trip as planned.

[Anonymous]

If the girlfriend goes, does the cost of accommodations get split three ways? If not, I wouldn't want to be paying for his girlfriends's share if she goes on the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but I'm team gf here. I was in the exact same situation- long distance bf who has planned a vacation with a couple female friends- and I wanted to be the "cool" girlfriend who was okay with it. He ended up sleeping with at least one of them. I know OP says she doesn't like her friend that way, but I'd still be very uncomfortable with it, especially since it seems like they are sharing accommodations.

I think her friend has found a reasonable compromise by letting his gf come along. He could have just cancelled the entire trip. We don't know that gf is possessive or controlling; she could have just talked with him about her discomfort- like adults do- and he came up with the solution of letting her come along to show that nothing is going on. This is potentially his life partner, and her comfort is more important that not hurting a female friend's feelings.

It's also odd to me how possessive OP is of this friend. It's like she wants all his attention and to have him cater to her feelings, without actually having to be his girlfriend. OP comes across as way more jealous than gf does.

There was nothing magical about traveling that made him cheat on you; a guy who would do this was always going to cheat on you eventually. Wouldn't you rather find out early than after you had enmeshed your life with him?

OP again. For the record, this girl was not in the picture when this trip was planned. They had met, but had not decided to date. He kept it from me until about two weeks ago.

I am also on team GF and have told him multiple times that I don't want her to feel uncomfortable with our friendship and to please let her know if we are hanging out and that I want to meet her. I've asked him if he wants me to talk to her about the whole thing and if that would help. I get it. I would not love the situation either. We obviously will not be planning a trip like this again if they are still together, unless we all wanted to do it together. I would never do that to her.

But selfishly, I was very excited about this trip. I don't think its wrong to not want to be third wheel or to feel like I've wasted a lot of money on not having a good time. It is a bad situation timing-wise. But I don't know why I automatically have to be the one to pay the price instead of her being understanding of a four year friendship and a trip planned before she was even on the radar.

OP, FWIW I agree with you. For me, the fact that this is a guy friend bringing his GF is almost irrelevant. I'd be just as unhappy about a female friend deciding she needs to bring her college BFF or her sister after we already planned a trip. It's the whole idea that suddenly you're the third wheel in the dynamic and that you're now traveling with someone that you don't know at all. The genders don't really matter at all.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the girlfriend is a great person you guys would have fun together? Although I'd still go off solo for activities here and there.

[Anonymous]

OP, if the three of you go, I can guarantee that you will suddenly develop "feelings" for him. Do it, take notes, and sell your story to Lifetime Network.