Best Guy Friend, His New GF, and Vacation - Help

[Anonymous]

I say go but rent another place, or if you put the work into finding that place and want to stay there, ask him to rent another place, but suggest you guys meet up for dinner and some sightseeing.

And yes, find someone else to travel with but I know that can be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't he take the financial hit (flights + hotel) and stay home (with the gf)?

+1.

I would first: tell your friend you don't like the idea because you'd be a third wheel. If he's a friend, he'll understand. Next, try to find a good friend to go with you as a 4th person. Hopefully sleeping arrangements would work in this situation. If you can't find another travel buddy, you get to put this back on him. He's the one with the problem. He can decide to stay home if he'd like.

Op, go into this with the assumption that the girlfriend is a good and understanding person, and you won't look like the a-hole. Don't proceed as though it's you against her.

[Anonymous]

Is the international trip in a European country where the hotel rooms are for 2 people only and will her coming mean you will have to pay more for a 2nd hotel room?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, being a third wheel is no fun - imagine if OP and the friend were both women and the friend invited a new boyfriend along, we’ve all been in that situation in some way at some point but for a week long trip that could stink

I would ask him to buy you out and do the bucket list trip another time with someone you want to go with if you don’t want to go alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you tell him she can’t come it will immediately look like you’re trying to f^%* him. Say goodbye to your friendship.

This is what I was thinking too, she hasn't met you and doesn't know the dynamic so if you say no she'll feel even more threatened. I think inviting her along is a good chance to show here there's nothing to worry about.... But the real question is if he's that good of a friend and you really have no interest, why don't you want to get to know his girlfriend? To be honest you don't sound happy that he has a gf, so you should examine your true feelings. In my single days when I would hang out with my couple friends I rarely felt like a 3rd wheel, so don't go into it with those expectations

I disagree with this. A trip with two friends who have frequently traveled together is nothing like going on vacation with a new couple. OP is bummed because its a bucket list trip that she has already sunk money into that is becoming a pretty different kind of trip not that he has a new GF.

I am VERY picky about who I travel with, some people are just impossible. So first problem is GF being a total unknown in that regard. Second is not knowing how they are as a couple, some people change a lot when dating. Are they gonna be inseparable? Making out in line for the Sistine Chapel? All impossible to know before diving in. Maybe GF is super cool and it would be great but the reality is that the dynamics will change significantly if she comes along. OP can be upset about that without pining after OP's friend.

Yep.

New couples are the worst to be a third wheel with. PDA. Whispering. Snuggling. These two have only seen each other 3 times over what, a year? They are going to either be acting like horny teenagers the entire trip, or they are going to realize around day 2 or 3 that they are not compatible and things will get awkward quickly. Either way, it sounds miserable.

It is not like OP is travelling with a married couple who have been together for years and who she has a history with. While that might be a bit of a drag, at least there is not going to be constant PDA and new lover type affection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, being a third wheel is no fun - imagine if OP and the friend were both women and the friend invited a new boyfriend along, we’ve all been in that situation in some way at some point but for a week long trip that could stink

I would ask him to buy you out and do the bucket list trip another time with someone you want to go with if you don’t want to go alone

Agree. This vacation is a no go and ruined for you even before it starts. You don't want to go on a bucket list trip as the third wheel and who wants to make "the best of it" on a trip of a lifetime.

Tell your friend to buy you out, and plan another trip for yourself with someone else.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford to, I’d give him the option of not going and try to find a different friend to go with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you tell him she can’t come it will immediately look like you’re trying to f^%* him. Say goodbye to your friendship.

This is what I was thinking too, she hasn't met you and doesn't know the dynamic so if you say no she'll feel even more threatened. I think inviting her along is a good chance to show here there's nothing to worry about.... But the real question is if he's that good of a friend and you really have no interest, why don't you want to get to know his girlfriend? To be honest you don't sound happy that he has a gf, so you should examine your true feelings. In my single days when I would hang out with my couple friends I rarely felt like a 3rd wheel, so don't go into it with those expectations

I disagree with this. A trip with two friends who have frequently traveled together is nothing like going on vacation with a new couple. OP is bummed because its a bucket list trip that she has already sunk money into that is becoming a pretty different kind of trip not that he has a new GF.

I am VERY picky about who I travel with, some people are just impossible. So first problem is GF being a total unknown in that regard. Second is not knowing how they are as a couple, some people change a lot when dating. Are they gonna be inseparable? Making out in line for the Sistine Chapel? All impossible to know before diving in. Maybe GF is super cool and it would be great but the reality is that the dynamics will change significantly if she comes along. OP can be upset about that without pining after OP's friend.

Yep.

New couples are the worst to be a third wheel with. PDA. Whispering. Snuggling. These two have only seen each other 3 times over what, a year? They are going to either be acting like horny teenagers the entire trip, or they are going to realize around day 2 or 3 that they are not compatible and things will get awkward quickly. Either way, it sounds miserable.

It is not like OP is travelling with a married couple who have been together for years and who she has a history with. While that might be a bit of a drag, at least there is not going to be constant PDA and new lover type affection.

This. Happened to me with a guy I was seeing long-distance. By the end of the trip we were sleeping in separate rooms and then had an awkward parting at the airport.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I really appreciate everyone weighin in on this and giving me a lot to think about. Unfortunately, I think it will be cost prohibitive for me to book separate accommodations for this trip, and it sucks I would have to do that. I’ve basically planned this entire trip, picked the AirBNBs, etc.

I open to the idea that this girl is amazing and would be great fun, but I think regardless, third wheel would likely suck when I don’t know the couple well. I am finding myself feeling resentful that he has put me in this spot instead of asking her to be understanding. I hope it’s not the case, but I have a feeling this is the beginning of the end of our friendship.

I’m going to sit on it for a couple days before deciding what to do and think about some of the things you all have suggested. Yes, bucket list place will still be there, but finding good travel buddies is hard to do and I’d rather not go alone. So it just sucks. I’ve already asked him to not say any thing to the GF, that this feels like a lose-lose for me, and that I needed some time to think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way should you say yes. This is a GUYS' trip not a 3rd wheel trip. She sounds like a controlling, insecure nutcase - she's "not comfortable" with her brand new boyfriend fulfilling a commitment he made before he even knew her? I would respond with something like, "Dude, are you f*%*^ crazy? I'm sure she is a lovely woman and I look forward to spending time with the two of you at some point, but there is no way I'm going on this trip as a 3rd wheel." Don't feel guilty - just help him see the absolute absurdity of his ask. If she is this controlling after only 3 dates, God help this guy if he marries her. Your friendship will be toast.

And I can't believe people above are telling you that you should let her come.

I could be wrong, but I believe OP is a woman.

OP’s physical gender doesn’t negate that its a guy trip, marked by laughs and zero drama. The inclusion of this new clingy GF automatically makes it not a guy trip, which is not what OP had signed up for.

[Anonymous]

Op maybe an organized tour group goes to bucket list place ? Ready made travel companions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I really appreciate everyone weighin in on this and giving me a lot to think about. Unfortunately, I think it will be cost prohibitive for me to book separate accommodations for this trip, and it sucks I would have to do that. I’ve basically planned this entire trip, picked the AirBNBs, etc.

I open to the idea that this girl is amazing and would be great fun, but I think regardless, third wheel would likely suck when I don’t know the couple well. I am finding myself feeling resentful that he has put me in this spot instead of asking her to be understanding. I hope it’s not the case, but I have a feeling this is the beginning of the end of our friendship.

I’m going to sit on it for a couple days before deciding what to do and think about some of the things you all have suggested. Yes, bucket list place will still be there, but finding good travel buddies is hard to do and I’d rather not go alone. So it just sucks. I’ve already asked him to not say any thing to the GF, that this feels like a lose-lose for me, and that I needed some time to think about it.

Yeah, he is putting his long distance, met 3 times in person, girlfriend's insecurities over the trip which has already been planned and mostly paid for. He is not a good friend. Sorry he is putting you in this position.

[Anonymous]

I think the girlfriend would have to be nuts to go. Why would you agree to spend thousands of dollars and a week of vacation on a one week trip with your long distance “boyfriend” who you’ve met twice in real life? Sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but I'm team gf here. I was in the exact same situation- long distance bf who has planned a vacation with a couple female friends- and I wanted to be the "cool" girlfriend who was okay with it. He ended up sleeping with at least one of them. I know OP says she doesn't like her friend that way, but I'd still be very uncomfortable with it, especially since it seems like they are sharing accommodations.

I think her friend has found a reasonable compromise by letting his gf come along. He could have just cancelled the entire trip. We don't know that gf is possessive or controlling; she could have just talked with him about her discomfort- like adults do- and he came up with the solution of letting her come along to show that nothing is going on. This is potentially his life partner, and her comfort is more important that not hurting a female friend's feelings.

It's also odd to me how possessive OP is of this friend. It's like she wants all his attention and to have him cater to her feelings, without actually having to be his girlfriend. OP comes across as way more jealous than gf does.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like it’s your trip, op, and he agreed to come. I think its possible he is or was interested in you even if you aren’t into him. I would go without him.