DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love him, suck it up and stay. He sounds like a good guy and you like him, even though you would like to see him more. Kids grow up and leave, then where will you be, an old cash cow with dried up milk.

Keep him, things will change eventually.

To be honest: he's been gone for two weeks already, and it's been great. I don't really miss him. (Because he's never around anyway). But I don't even know if it's a question of my love for him at this point. It's a question of whether or not he really loves me. The actions he has taken the past year really discredits his claims of love for me and I really feel used. Like all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you go scorched earth on a nice loving guy?

because he is choosing his job (which isn't needed to pay the bills) over his family, his wife's mental health and having a relationsip with his kids. Anyone can seem loving if you they only an hour a week with you. This guy needs to grow up. OP is single parenting, this guy is just a roomate living for free in her house. OP should just have an affair honestly until her husband figures out what to do about his job.

He knows he's letting everyone down. He's just trying to eek out a little more of it.

OP here:

I don't know if he knows he's letting everyone down or if he has even considered that aspect. I think he's just so self involved in how great his life is that when I'm telling him I hate his job, he doesn't take it seriously. He's really happy with his job.

He just wrote me an email as to how he will try to be better and home for the kids so that I can work.... but I just don't know if I can believe him. I'm at this state where I'm like: you told me a year ago that this new job would be great but it's not. So really, how are your changes really going to be for the better? He wants me to go into the office to work instead of staying at home and working and I'm really torn about that. I like my home office. I don't really want to go into the HQ to work. It's like he's decided this is the solution to making my wife happy and allowing me to continue with my happiness.

But it still doesn't fix the fact that he has no interest in spending time with me.

Screw that. You shouldn't be the one making changes at this point. He wants everything his way, but really his way is what the problem is. He needs to change something, not you!!

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just ask him if he wants to get a new job or a divorce?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be more specific about what you need and express that. You are hoping he will read your mind. I’m assuming you are not REALLY suicidal - if you are, please seek immediate help - your vague complaints seem quite dramatic for someone whose worst offense is that he works a lot.

Right now all I’m reading is that you have a lot of contempt for a self-described loving guy. Is it his work hours or is it the fact that he doesn’t seem want to spend time with you? Because I don’t know that a change in his work hours is going to translate to him spending more time with you. Are you disconnected sexually? Emotionally? There has to be a reason why you are on such different pages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you just ask him if he wants to get a new job or a divorce?

I told him I wanted a divorce because I didn't want him to give up his job. Mostly because it's his dream job and also because I don't think he can find a different job that gives him the same amount of gratification. I also told him that I wanted to spend time with him, like a normal couple, without sacrificing my work hours.

He told me that he would work around me job so that I can work more.

[Anonymous]

OP, a few items. If you are serious about suicide, as some responded, you need to get help ASAP. 1st issue to address.
Next, it seems your kids have a low priority, and I say that to you both, as a couple. Earning money is important, but so is trying to be there for your kids. That is a 2-parent job(actually, it might be even more than that!). Think carefully about the effects of moving, divorcing, or, whatever you two decide to do. They seem low on your list of concerns.
Yup, I believe you, your husband sounds like a nice guy, and, has scored a dream job. I would love to still be doing some of the crazy and fun summer jobs and internships I had...and not a care in the world. Then I grew up. Seems it is time for your DH to do the same. He is presently living in dream land. At some point, if he is out so much, and traveling so much, his hourly pay is probably like $20 an hour. Newsflash: he could get that working at McDonald's, doing 40 hours a week, and, then be home and around to help. If he is not willing to do that, you have some difficult choices to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to be more specific about what you need and express that. You are hoping he will read your mind. I’m assuming you are not REALLY suicidal - if you are, please seek immediate help - your vague complaints seem quite dramatic for someone whose worst offense is that he works a lot.

Right now all I’m reading is that you have a lot of contempt for a self-described loving guy. Is it his work hours or is it the fact that he doesn’t seem want to spend time with you? Because I don’t know that a change in his work hours is going to translate to him spending more time with you. Are you disconnected sexually? Emotionally? There has to be a reason why you are on such different pages.

OP here. again.

Honestly: It's both. When he has a day off, he goes and plays golf or takes the kids away so that I can work.

Yeah. Nope. This isn't going to work is it. Like at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, here are two equations:
Husband = dream job
kids = doing what it takes to support the family you helped create.
Time for him to put on his big boy pants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to be more specific about what you need and express that. You are hoping he will read your mind. I’m assuming you are not REALLY suicidal - if you are, please seek immediate help - your vague complaints seem quite dramatic for someone whose worst offense is that he works a lot.

Right now all I’m reading is that you have a lot of contempt for a self-described loving guy. Is it his work hours or is it the fact that he doesn’t seem want to spend time with you? Because I don’t know that a change in his work hours is going to translate to him spending more time with you. Are you disconnected sexually? Emotionally? There has to be a reason why you are on such different pages.

OP here. again.

Honestly: It's both. When he has a day off, he goes and plays golf or takes the kids away so that I can work.

Yeah. Nope. This isn't going to work is it. Like at all.

Again, you are not taking any responsibility here and telling him what you need. Jumping to telling him that you want a divorce or you are going to kill your self clearly is not getting your point across. Yes, you want him to quit his dream job. That is the entire point of your post. It sounds like you don’t really want to make any sacrifices either, so I’d think about what you can bring to the table to repair a relationship that is obviously broken. He probably thinks he is being helpful taking the kids on his day off, or trying to work around your schedule. Tell him exactly what you need and want from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few items. If you are serious about suicide, as some responded, you need to get help ASAP. 1st issue to address.
Next, it seems your kids have a low priority, and I say that to you both, as a couple. Earning money is important, but so is trying to be there for your kids. That is a 2-parent job(actually, it might be even more than that!). Think carefully about the effects of moving, divorcing, or, whatever you two decide to do. They seem low on your list of concerns.
Yup, I believe you, your husband sounds like a nice guy, and, has scored a dream job. I would love to still be doing some of the crazy and fun summer jobs and internships I had...and not a care in the world. Then I grew up. Seems it is time for your DH to do the same. He is presently living in dream land. At some point, if he is out so much, and traveling so much, his hourly pay is probably like $20 an hour. Newsflash: he could get that working at McDonald's, doing 40 hours a week, and, then be home and around to help. If he is not willing to do that, you have some difficult choices to make.

OP:

That was a couple of months ago. I'm pretty much over that because I'm sure he won't be around to actually care for the kids at this point. Because, you know: he's never around. But you know what's funny? I told him I was really upset and suicidal and he looked at me and told me he had to go to work. That was it. Like I was being emotional and irrational and to get over it. And then he got mad at me when I refused to talk to him for thee days.

My kids are my top priority. That's why I work at home and I spend a lot of time making sure they're healthy and happy. He does not do this. He plays golf before doing anything with the kids. Or he does laundry. It's a really hard juggling act for both of us.

I think the general consensus here is that he needs to get a new job. But it's just.... I don't know how to tell him that. I just don't want to be that person because how can I tell my kids to follow their dreams when I don't even want him to do the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to be more specific about what you need and express that. You are hoping he will read your mind. I’m assuming you are not REALLY suicidal - if you are, please seek immediate help - your vague complaints seem quite dramatic for someone whose worst offense is that he works a lot.

Right now all I’m reading is that you have a lot of contempt for a self-described loving guy. Is it his work hours or is it the fact that he doesn’t seem want to spend time with you? Because I don’t know that a change in his work hours is going to translate to him spending more time with you. Are you disconnected sexually? Emotionally? There has to be a reason why you are on such different pages.

OP here. again.

Honestly: It's both. When he has a day off, he goes and plays golf or takes the kids away so that I can work.

Yeah. Nope. This isn't going to work is it. Like at all.

Again, you are not taking any responsibility here and telling him what you need. Jumping to telling him that you want a divorce or you are going to kill your self clearly is not getting your point across. Yes, you want him to quit his dream job. That is the entire point of your post. It sounds like you don’t really want to make any sacrifices either, so I’d think about what you can bring to the table to repair a relationship that is obviously broken. He probably thinks he is being helpful taking the kids on his day off, or trying to work around your schedule. Tell him exactly what you need and want from him.

OP here:

I have told him that I juggle a lot to do my job and pick up his slack for his new job. This is not something new. He sees me at work at 4am doing my job and then he sees me at 8 am with the kids. There is no ambiguity here: he isn't a child. He just... thinks this is normal. That we all have to do stuff to make our lives work.

He does think he's being helpful. But I've told him that his job sucks. The hours he works sucks. Now he has told me that I should work at the office and he'll get a babysitter so that we can both go to work and that it will be the solution. But there is nothing in the equation of him actually wanting to spend time with me. I purchased concert tickets and he ends up bailing on us for work. I've made weekend vacation plans and two weeks before, there's something he needs to deal with at work.

I know you think I'm not being clear: but it's not that. It's that he's not registering what is actually going on because he has the perfect life otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here are two equations:
Husband = dream job
kids = doing what it takes to support the family you helped create.
Time for him to put on his big boy pants.

OP here: I think that he thinks he is actually doing the responsible thing though. That's the confounding and infuriating problem. HE ACTUALLY THINKS HE IS A BIG BOY.

Even as I tell him he's effing my life over with his schedule. Over and over again. He just won't believe it because he's so happy.

[Anonymous]

Then have him post on DCUM, and I will gladly tell him: grow the eff up, stop being selfish, get a mitt and get in the game. We have kids, so, grow up. Get a higher paying job, or flip burgers and be around some more. Golf shouldn't even be in the equation at this point. So, if you can't explain this calmly and clearly to your husband, well, some portion of this problem is then yours, right? Anyone can follow their dreams, but, do you both think the Magic Fairy will appears, sprinkle glitter, and make these issues go away? If you didn't have kids, it seems there would be no issue. But, you both have them now. With kids come more responsibilities. You two simply need to face those facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here are two equations:
Husband = dream job
kids = doing what it takes to support the family you helped create.
Time for him to put on his big boy pants.

OP here: I think that he thinks he is actually doing the responsible thing though. That's the confounding and infuriating problem. HE ACTUALLY THINKS HE IS A BIG BOY.

Even as I tell him he's effing my life over with his schedule. Over and over again. He just won't believe it because he's so happy.

Kindly, I would really dial it down with the drama when you talk to him. He’s not unemployed - or in his mind, even actively attempting to screw you over or make your life miserable. I have a feeling the over-the-top nature of your feelings (if it’s anything like they are coming off here) is causing him to blow you off. You have to find a different approach other than telling him that he is the root of all problems in your entire life. I wouldn’t want to listen to that either, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to be more specific about what you need and express that. You are hoping he will read your mind. I’m assuming you are not REALLY suicidal - if you are, please seek immediate help - your vague complaints seem quite dramatic for someone whose worst offense is that he works a lot.

Right now all I’m reading is that you have a lot of contempt for a self-described loving guy. Is it his work hours or is it the fact that he doesn’t seem want to spend time with you? Because I don’t know that a change in his work hours is going to translate to him spending more time with you. Are you disconnected sexually? Emotionally? There has to be a reason why you are on such different pages.

OP here. again.

Honestly: It's both. When he has a day off, he goes and plays golf or takes the kids away so that I can work.

Yeah. Nope. This isn't going to work is it. Like at all.

Again, you are not taking any responsibility here and telling him what you need. Jumping to telling him that you want a divorce or you are going to kill your self clearly is not getting your point across. Yes, you want him to quit his dream job. That is the entire point of your post. It sounds like you don’t really want to make any sacrifices either, so I’d think about what you can bring to the table to repair a relationship that is obviously broken. He probably thinks he is being helpful taking the kids on his day off, or trying to work around your schedule. Tell him exactly what you need and want from him.

OP here:

I have told him that I juggle a lot to do my job and pick up his slack for his new job. This is not something new. He sees me at work at 4am doing my job and then he sees me at 8 am with the kids. There is no ambiguity here: he isn't a child. He just... thinks this is normal. That we all have to do stuff to make our lives work.

He does think he's being helpful. But I've told him that his job sucks. The hours he works sucks. Now he has told me that I should work at the office and he'll get a babysitter so that we can both go to work and that it will be the solution. But there is nothing in the equation of him actually wanting to spend time with me. I purchased concert tickets and he ends up bailing on us for work. I've made weekend vacation plans and two weeks before, there's something he needs to deal with at work.

I know you think I'm not being clear: but it's not that. It's that he's not registering what is actually going on because he has the perfect life otherwise.

The more I've read he could be using you. There's too much avoidance. It sounds like he married more for the lifestyle and his dreams. If he made sure you guys had date night once a week etc. I might think differently. When you talk about his golf and other hobbies he's actively avoiding you OP. My BF married a guy whose goal was to find a woman to support him. Took his $1200/mo state pension age 50 and never went back to work. She supported him until she died.