DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few items. If you are serious about suicide, as some responded, you need to get help ASAP. 1st issue to address.
Next, it seems your kids have a low priority, and I say that to you both, as a couple. Earning money is important, but so is trying to be there for your kids. That is a 2-parent job(actually, it might be even more than that!). Think carefully about the effects of moving, divorcing, or, whatever you two decide to do. They seem low on your list of concerns.
Yup, I believe you, your husband sounds like a nice guy, and, has scored a dream job. I would love to still be doing some of the crazy and fun summer jobs and internships I had...and not a care in the world. Then I grew up. Seems it is time for your DH to do the same. He is presently living in dream land. At some point, if he is out so much, and traveling so much, his hourly pay is probably like $20 an hour. Newsflash: he could get that working at McDonald's, doing 40 hours a week, and, then be home and around to help. If he is not willing to do that, you have some difficult choices to make.

OP:

That was a couple of months ago. I'm pretty much over that because I'm sure he won't be around to actually care for the kids at this point. Because, you know: he's never around. But you know what's funny? I told him I was really upset and suicidal and he looked at me and told me he had to go to work. That was it. Like I was being emotional and irrational and to get over it. And then he got mad at me when I refused to talk to him for thee days.

My kids are my top priority. That's why I work at home and I spend a lot of time making sure they're healthy and happy. He does not do this. He plays golf before doing anything with the kids. Or he does laundry. It's a really hard juggling act for both of us.

I think the general consensus here is that he needs to get a new job. But it's just.... I don't know how to tell him that. I just don't want to be that person because how can I tell my kids to follow their dreams when I don't even want him to do the same?

I mean...you don't. And you shouldn't. "Follow your dreams at all costs, including to those around you" is terrible advice. Tell your kids to build lives they can be proud of. Finding work they love can be part of that, but they also need to handle their shit and be a support system for the people they love (and other things as well, all that jazz). Your husband is absolutely not doing that. You don't tell him he needs to get a new job. You tell him that life as it currently exists will not be continuing, but the kind of change will depend on him. He can either (A) get a new job or (B) divorce.

Or, and I think this is the better call, you just divorce him. Because if he can't be selfless enough to look around and see that the cost of his happiness is absolutely unsustainable, then he will be deeply resentful of you even if he does change jobs, and honestly, would you really want to be with someone who has to be browbeat into caring about their spouse's suicidal thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I mean, how is divorcing him going to help? You’ll likely do all the same work you’ve already been doing, and you’ll have to divide your take home such that it supports two separate households. You might even owe him child support, depending on custody, because you earn more. Think long and hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to be more specific about what you need and express that. You are hoping he will read your mind. I’m assuming you are not REALLY suicidal - if you are, please seek immediate help - your vague complaints seem quite dramatic for someone whose worst offense is that he works a lot.

Right now all I’m reading is that you have a lot of contempt for a self-described loving guy. Is it his work hours or is it the fact that he doesn’t seem want to spend time with you? Because I don’t know that a change in his work hours is going to translate to him spending more time with you. Are you disconnected sexually? Emotionally? There has to be a reason why you are on such different pages.

OP here. again.

Honestly: It's both. When he has a day off, he goes and plays golf or takes the kids away so that I can work.

Yeah. Nope. This isn't going to work is it. Like at all.

Again, you are not taking any responsibility here and telling him what you need. Jumping to telling him that you want a divorce or you are going to kill your self clearly is not getting your point across. Yes, you want him to quit his dream job. That is the entire point of your post. It sounds like you don’t really want to make any sacrifices either, so I’d think about what you can bring to the table to repair a relationship that is obviously broken. He probably thinks he is being helpful taking the kids on his day off, or trying to work around your schedule. Tell him exactly what you need and want from him.

OP here:

I have told him that I juggle a lot to do my job and pick up his slack for his new job. This is not something new. He sees me at work at 4am doing my job and then he sees me at 8 am with the kids. There is no ambiguity here: he isn't a child. He just... thinks this is normal. That we all have to do stuff to make our lives work.

He does think he's being helpful. But I've told him that his job sucks. The hours he works sucks. Now he has told me that I should work at the office and he'll get a babysitter so that we can both go to work and that it will be the solution. But there is nothing in the equation of him actually wanting to spend time with me. I purchased concert tickets and he ends up bailing on us for work. I've made weekend vacation plans and two weeks before, there's something he needs to deal with at work.

I know you think I'm not being clear: but it's not that. It's that he's not registering what is actually going on because he has the perfect life otherwise.

I think you have nailed it and answered your own questions. He doesn't want to, and isn't planning to OP. People that care or are in love don't act that way. I almost wonder if he has a girlfriend. Either way I think you married a opportunist, not a real partner.

[taketothebank]

What kind of cancer is stress induced?

To the PP who posted this: You try to hide tasteless question under a veneer of honesty (e.g., “I am just asking the question – what kind of stress causes cancer”) but by asking it imply that the OP does not understand that cancer is caused by a myriad of factors. My question – how do you think you helped her (or anyone else) with your question? Please read this information and next time, STFU: https://www.mdanderson.org/publications/focused-on-health/december-2014/how-stress-affects-cancer-risk.html (from the MD Anderson website.)

OP – If the cancer diagnosis was not enough of a wake-up call for him to focus on you and your lives together, nothing will be. The fact that your cancer is treatable (as is mine) does not make it a walk in Rock Creek Park to address. I will be thinking of you and wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

taketothebank wrote:

What kind of cancer is stress induced?

To the PP who posted this: You try to hide tasteless question under a veneer of honesty (e.g., “I am just asking the question – what kind of stress causes cancer”) but by asking it imply that the OP does not understand that cancer is caused by a myriad of factors. My question – how do you think you helped her (or anyone else) with your question? Please read this information and next time, STFU: https://www.mdanderson.org/publications/focused-on-health/december-2014/how-stress-affects-cancer-risk.html (from the MD Anderson website.)

OP – If the cancer diagnosis was not enough of a wake-up call for him to focus on you and your lives together, nothing will be. The fact that your cancer is treatable (as is mine) does not make it a walk in Rock Creek Park to address. I will be thinking of you and wishing you well.

Yeah this was my thought. She is already exhausted physically and mentally. And now she has to do chemo or something which is exhausting and she will need support.

Honestly OP, I would go stay with your mom while you do treatment. You can't force someone to want to spend time with you when they obviously don't want to.

Is he going to come to chemo with you and hold your hair back while you puke? Is he going to watch the kids while you take your nap afterwards?

I think you need your mom. Maybe you should talk to her about your troubles. If my DD ever was having problems like this I would drop everything and move in with her until she was well.

[Anonymous]

Op, you would be evil to break up the family. You outsource the help you need. If you need to, you downsize locally to afford the help you need.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the "H" camp.

I love my job, but I love my wife and family more. I hate to say it, but you need to issue him an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you would be evil to break up the family. You outsource the help you need. If you need to, you downsize locally to afford the help you need.

She doesn't need to outsource everything. She needs a partner that wants to participate in the family with her. And DH doesn't make enough to throw money at their issues.

[Anonymous]

H. He won't be the only one in a boring sickening job to save his family This is NUTS.
Do not have an affair, do not quit your job.

[gentry]

Option k....we’ll give you what you need

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you would be evil to break up the family. You outsource the help you need. If you need to, you downsize locally to afford the help you need.

OP here:

I don't want to break up my family. I already have a cleaning lady and help from my mom and I get takeout/delivery. I am doing my best.

But if you know of a way to outsource a father to my kids and a husband, that would be helpful. There must be an app for that....

[Anonymous]

gentry wrote:Option k....we’ll give you what you need

OP here:

I keep laughing from this. Hahahahaha.......there are far too many ways to respond to this and be in the wrong forum.

[Anonymous]

If I was trying to get fired from being someone's DH, this is how I'd act.

[gentry]

Anonymous wrote:

gentry wrote:Option k....we’ll give you what you need

OP here:

I keep laughing from this. Hahahahaha.......there are far too many ways to respond to this and be in the wrong forum.

Well too bad you posted as anonymous otherwise such a conversation might be a deserved distraction for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was trying to get fired from being someone's DH, this is how I'd act.

Inter sting theory. This is how he passive aggressively gets OP to be the one to pull the plug, not him pulling it.