DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP, divorce will take up a lot of your resources, bring in more stress and even more work for you. If you have the money - outsource the everything but your time with the kids, invite your mom to help, etc.

[Anonymous]

She said he gets the kids off to school and sees them for a hour a day. Not that bad. I think OP should get a less stressful job and smaller house. It's hard to find a job you really like and I would feel guilty asking him to quit. Also, schedule more date time.

OP I would try all that before pulling the plug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She said he gets the kids off to school and sees them for a hour a day. Not that bad. I think OP should get a less stressful job and smaller house. It's hard to find a job you really like and I would feel guilty asking him to quit. Also, schedule more date time.

OP I would try all that before pulling the plug.

I think her job is only stressful because she doesn't have DH around to manage things so she can focus on work when she's supposed to work. It's full-time from home. Keep that job and the salary, but find a way to have the kids occupied for the 8 hrs a day you need to be working. Not sure if I saw the ages of the kids, so I don't know if that's pre-school or camp or a nanny that would be the solution there.

But solving the job issue doesn't take away the fact that DH is a selfish a$$ that basically has to run his life so he can maintain his image and this dream job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like his dream job is sports DJ or announcer of something similar.

These types of jobs dont have to be forever jobs. Can you move and leave him behind until he tries of the job?

Doesn't matter, it doesn't pay the bills.

Terrible that he took a job with poor pay and kooky hours without discussing with his life partner wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do the following:

1) tell him you are all moving and selling the house to be closer to your mom
2) tell him you want to start couples counseling immediately
3) reassess after 6 months on divorce. But if things haven’t changed after 6 months of counseling, say you want to separate and make sure he gets partial custody.

You and your children all deserve someone who is actually interested in spending time with you.

The toughest part here is that H is clearly prioritizing his job and career, which does not provide well for his family, above his family. That is the fundamental problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said the job has great perks?

Are you referring to him getting to sleep all day and then watch the game every night? Does he drink with his buddies at the arena? Is that why 8 hours of work turns into 11 hours a night?

Yes. He gets paid to schmooze.

paid peanuts.
if he can't or wont convert his schmoozing to a job where he has normal day-time hours or where he can pay for a nanny and housekeeper and you can pretend he doesn't exist (just like he pretends you all don't exist), this won't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a married couple, not single, with one person working an afternoon/evening shift. If you wanted a 9-5 guy, with the potential for earning a high income, then you should have married one. Since that ship has sailed, and you chose to have kids with this guy, you have to make a decision.

I can see asking him to cut back his hours but essentially asking him to change what he does is TOO much. You do not marry someone, have kids by them, and then decide that you want a new model because this one isn't fitting into your fairy tale dream. Accept him as he is, make slight adjustments, and then go from there. There are plenty of couples that make marriage work where one person works an alternative shift. Seek advice from them.

You cannot marry someone and them ask them to dramatically change.

My thoughts as I was reading this. I dated a guy like this. I eventually broke up with him because I couldn’t see anyway to have and raise kids with him. But give OP a break. She seems to recognize that and this seems to be leaning toward divorce. That seems crazy unless you give him options first. Doesn’t the guy want to spend more time with his family?

[Anonymous]

He might be a nice guy with a dream job but he is an idiot. I don't particularly like my job, but it pays me very well. I will retire as soon as youngest DC is out of college, then I can have fun. It's called making a commitment to provide what's best for your family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a married couple, not single, with one person working an afternoon/evening shift. If you wanted a 9-5 guy, with the potential for earning a high income, then you should have married one. Since that ship has sailed, and you chose to have kids with this guy, you have to make a decision.

I can see asking him to cut back his hours but essentially asking him to change what he does is TOO much. You do not marry someone, have kids by them, and then decide that you want a new model because this one isn't fitting into your fairy tale dream. Accept him as he is, make slight adjustments, and then go from there. There are plenty of couples that make marriage work where one person works an alternative shift. Seek advice from them.

You cannot marry someone and them ask them to dramatically change.

OP here.

He worked normal hours before and was making less than he makes now. I really don't care about the money: I wanted someone who would be present in our home life. He took this job a year ago without asking me. I was happy for him but I had no idea what the hours would be like and they are super shitty. He promised that things would be better for me and for the kids. It's not better.

I didn't sign up for this job. He took it without asking. He changed his life without asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you go scorched earth on a nice loving guy?

because he is choosing his job (which isn't needed to pay the bills) over his family, his wife's mental health and having a relationsip with his kids. Anyone can seem loving if you they only an hour a week with you. This guy needs to grow up. OP is single parenting, this guy is just a roomate living for free in her house. OP should just have an affair honestly until her husband figures out what to do about his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a married couple, not single, with one person working an afternoon/evening shift. If you wanted a 9-5 guy, with the potential for earning a high income, then you should have married one. Since that ship has sailed, and you chose to have kids with this guy, you have to make a decision.

I can see asking him to cut back his hours but essentially asking him to change what he does is TOO much. You do not marry someone, have kids by them, and then decide that you want a new model because this one isn't fitting into your fairy tale dream. Accept him as he is, make slight adjustments, and then go from there. There are plenty of couples that make marriage work where one person works an alternative shift. Seek advice from them.

You cannot marry someone and them ask them to dramatically change.

My thoughts as I was reading this. I dated a guy like this. I eventually broke up with him because I couldn’t see anyway to have and raise kids with him. But give OP a break. She seems to recognize that and this seems to be leaning toward divorce. That seems crazy unless you give him options first. Doesn’t the guy want to spend more time with his family?

GREAT QUESTION

What did he say about the ramifications when he UNILATERALLY decided to take this job 12 months ago (post marriage, post-having kids)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you go scorched earth on a nice loving guy?

because he is choosing his job (which isn't needed to pay the bills) over his family, his wife's mental health and having a relationsip with his kids. Anyone can seem loving if you they only an hour a week with you. This guy needs to grow up. OP is single parenting, this guy is just a roomate living for free in her house. OP should just have an affair honestly until her husband figures out what to do about his job.

He knows he's letting everyone down. He's just trying to eek out a little more of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a married couple, not single, with one person working an afternoon/evening shift. If you wanted a 9-5 guy, with the potential for earning a high income, then you should have married one. Since that ship has sailed, and you chose to have kids with this guy, you have to make a decision.

I can see asking him to cut back his hours but essentially asking him to change what he does is TOO much. You do not marry someone, have kids by them, and then decide that you want a new model because this one isn't fitting into your fairy tale dream. Accept him as he is, make slight adjustments, and then go from there. There are plenty of couples that make marriage work where one person works an alternative shift. Seek advice from them.

You cannot marry someone and them ask them to dramatically change.

My thoughts as I was reading this. I dated a guy like this. I eventually broke up with him because I couldn’t see anyway to have and raise kids with him. But give OP a break. She seems to recognize that and this seems to be leaning toward divorce. That seems crazy unless you give him options first. Doesn’t the guy want to spend more time with his family?

GREAT QUESTION

What did he say about the ramifications when he UNILATERALLY decided to take this job 12 months ago (post marriage, post-having kids)?

OP here:

He told me that it would be better. That he would be home more often, get to see the kids more often, etc...

But: he's really just home when the kids are in school. And then he bugs me about sex while I'm trying to work so I can take care of the kids later. And then he tells me that he doesn't want to bother me while I work.

But when he took the job, he truly believed it would be better for us. Or at least presented it that way.

[Anonymous]

If you love him, suck it up and stay. He sounds like a good guy and you like him, even though you would like to see him more. Kids grow up and leave, then where will you be, an old cash cow with dried up milk.

Keep him, things will change eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you go scorched earth on a nice loving guy?

because he is choosing his job (which isn't needed to pay the bills) over his family, his wife's mental health and having a relationsip with his kids. Anyone can seem loving if you they only an hour a week with you. This guy needs to grow up. OP is single parenting, this guy is just a roomate living for free in her house. OP should just have an affair honestly until her husband figures out what to do about his job.

He knows he's letting everyone down. He's just trying to eek out a little more of it.

OP here:

I don't know if he knows he's letting everyone down or if he has even considered that aspect. I think he's just so self involved in how great his life is that when I'm telling him I hate his job, he doesn't take it seriously. He's really happy with his job.

He just wrote me an email as to how he will try to be better and home for the kids so that I can work.... but I just don't know if I can believe him. I'm at this state where I'm like: you told me a year ago that this new job would be great but it's not. So really, how are your changes really going to be for the better? He wants me to go into the office to work instead of staying at home and working and I'm really torn about that. I like my home office. I don't really want to go into the HQ to work. It's like he's decided this is the solution to making my wife happy and allowing me to continue with my happiness.

But it still doesn't fix the fact that he has no interest in spending time with me.