DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.

[Anonymous]

(for more accuracy, insert a curse word in ever 2-3 words, as that's what I sound like IRL)

I work. He works. He works from 3pm-2am, roughly every day, and he works every most weekend. He loves his job. When I tell other people what he job is, everyone is interested and wants his job too. It's a fantasy job== great perks, awful hours and poor pay.

Essentially, he sends the kids off to school and I come home to take care of them. He sees them about 1 hour per day. He works most weekends too, and schedules time to be at soccer games, but that is it. We have had 1 date in 1 year. He is currently out of town for work for another two weeks.

I'm working full time, make way more money than him (almost double), and single parenting the whole thing. I have told him for almost a year that his work schedule is a huge burden for me, but he doesn't seem to prioritize me. (For instance, we made plans to have a weekend together, sans children, and he has to back out due to some mandatory event.) We're both not seeing other people-- his work schedule, my work schedule don't allow it. Plus- I'm really a hot cash cow for him.... so..... Moo. I work when the kids are in school so we really don't see each other.

I've considered couple's counseling, but the problem isn't him personally: it's his job. He's a nice guy and really loving. I would love for him to keep his job because, well, he's never going to get anything like it again and it makes him happy. What I want is a divorce. I know that's silly to want a divorce because of a job, but it's true. I don't want to ask him to quit a dream job. I want to move closer to my mom and just have him take the kids on the weekend (which is a hilarious idea because it's never going to happen, he HAS to work the weekends), however, it's quite literally the only way I can make him see his kids. Oh, and the only way I can have a life- we live about 2 hours away from both of our support systems and our closest friends. (which is really just my friends, because he works all the time and doesn't have friends because of it.) I've made new friends, but I trust my old friends more, because my new friends are in love with my husband's job.

Plus, I'm at risk of losing my job now because I'm juggling so much more than him. I don't want that. I hate his job and in turn, him. I've been crying every night because I feel like my only options are divorce, suicide, or apocalypse. So I pray for an apocalypse. Which has happened because I have cancer now. (totally treatable, unbelievable because it's in part stress induced).

Oh: my question is, what should I do? DCUM, don't fail me now.

a) Pack up the house and move to my mom's and put the house on the market before he gets home and tell him it's over. (My preferred choice- full scorched earth and my mom is super helpful. His mom is not.)
b) Wait for him to come home and ask him to move out so we can start the year of separation?
c) Quit my job, and just live a healthier life but accrue a ton of debt because we'll be making 1/3 of our combined salaries?
d) Start dating another guy just so that I have a backup and we have a reason to break up?
e) Keep praying for another apocalypse?
f) Tell him to take the kids and move in with his mom so that I can figure out exactly what I want.
g) Tell him we're moving to my mom's area and that he has no choice because I want a divorce and this is the last thing that we can try before I know for sure it's over.
h) Tell him to quit his dream job and find some boring job that has regular hours so we can be a normal married couple?
i) Cheat on him to realize how great he is and then give up?
k) Find another married couple in the same situation and become sister wives?
l) Sell the house and move near his mom and buy a mansion with the money from selling out house and moving to the country and quit my job.
m) Move to Canada.
n) Become a platonic lesbian. (I know, but I'm really already there anyway).

I may actually get to z at the rate I'm going, but whatever.

I am so conflicted by this. I love him. I want to stay with him. But his job is literally killing me now. I am open to any suggestion or advice.

And for the record: My therapist hasn't been really helpful about this either. She knows it's a problem. But it's not him. It's his hours of work.

[Anonymous]

This: h) Tell him to quit his dream job and find some boring job that has regular hours so we can be a normal married couple?

[Anonymous]

You’re not “single parenting”.

[Anonymous]

Why would you go scorched earth on a nice loving guy?

[Anonymous]

How about:

(o): Sit him down, tell him you are at a breaking point, and that either he makes time for couples counseling stat or you are going to take the kids and move to be near your mother so you can actually have some help.

I know you are probably joking about suicide/apocalypse, but suicide is not an answer. Your kids need you. All of the other options you list are better than suicide. If you are even casually contemplating suicide, please get help. Call 1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Hotline).

You are desperate right now, because your situation is unsustainable. You must change it. If your husband cannot/will not realize that, then you will have to change it without him. But, if he is really a good guy, give him a chance. Do not keep it all inside. Let him know how close you are to breaking, and give him a chance to do the right thing. And, if he doesn't, DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

I say move - and stay married.

You want your support system as your husband's job doesn't allow for it. You tell husband that you want to sell the house and move closer to mom. He shouldn't really care where he lives given that he's on tour or whatever for his job. It's HIS dream that you're supporting - great. But doesn't mean that YOUR dreams shouldn't have some room to grow.

Sell house in orderly manner and move; hopefully you'll have some money and mom's support to get a job fairly quickly and find more permanent housing.

Live there and love your husband as you do now. Get more free time for yourself with your moms/friends support and carve out a life for yourself. After the worldwide tour that is your husband's job fades over time he will have more time for you and kids.

You're happ(ier) - he's happy that you're not unhappy. Kids' relationship is what he prioritizes from there on in and what you assist with and make schedules for.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Apocalpse? Suicide? Find another guy? Scorched earth?

AND you are currently seeing a counselor? What the hell, lady, you need to calm down and think rationally.

Find another counselor. Sit down and talk with your husband and tell him this is serious and you can't Iive like this. Take a week off work and decompress so you're not thinking so crazy. You DO need couple's counseling. The problem is not his job. The problem is he is not prioritizing you and his family life.

[Anonymous]

C

You can quit your job and focus on your health and supporting your family best you can. Cut back on expenses. Move if you must. Your DH works way too many hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This: h) Tell him to quit his dream job and find some boring job that has regular hours so we can be a normal married couple?

THIS IS WHAT MOST ADULTS DO WHEN THEY GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS.

I like how you are looking at this objectively. He needs to also. Not selfishly.

If he cannot or will not do that, then I'd plan a year separation and divorce. I'm sorry you even got this far with his continued odd job. The poor pay from the job really gives you little options.

[Anonymous]

I have often thought about (k). Why doesn’t anyone do that?

[Anonymous]

OP - you're basically not married. I've been there. It's like you have all the negatives of being married (extra laundry, messy house, etc.) but none of the rewards. I think you need to tell him that he needs to find another job with reasonable hours and be more present for the family. Basically, he needs to grow up. He has responsibilities now and he's not tending to those responsibilities.

You know what my dream job is? To be an actor. Not a famous star, but to act in plays locally. I did it in my early 20s. But you know what? I grew up, had a family, and we can't live on my "acting career" so I had to get a real job. It's a job I like, but it's sure not my dream job.

And you know what? your dh's choices aren't - dream job or job-I-hate. There are jobs you like for the most part, but they aren't your dream jobs.

Give him a timeframe (6 months or so) to find a new job. If he doesn't by then, move to where your mother and friends are. Tell him that's what you plan to do in XX months if he hasn't changed jobs by then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(for more accuracy, insert a curse word in ever 2-3 words, as that's what I sound like IRL)

I work. He works. He works from 3pm-2am, roughly every day, and he works every most weekend. He loves his job. When I tell other people what he job is, everyone is interested and wants his job too. It's a fantasy job== great perks, awful hours and poor pay.

Essentially, he sends the kids off to school and I come home to take care of them. He sees them about 1 hour per day. He works most weekends too, and schedules time to be at soccer games, but that is it. We have had 1 date in 1 year. He is currently out of town for work for another two weeks.

I'm working full time, make way more money than him (almost double), and single parenting the whole thing. I have told him for almost a year that his work schedule is a huge burden for me, but he doesn't seem to prioritize me. (For instance, we made plans to have a weekend together, sans children, and he has to back out due to some mandatory event.) We're both not seeing other people-- his work schedule, my work schedule don't allow it. Plus- I'm really a hot cash cow for him.... so..... Moo. I work when the kids are in school so we really don't see each other.

I've considered couple's counseling, but the problem isn't him personally: it's his job. He's a nice guy and really loving. I would love for him to keep his job because, well, he's never going to get anything like it again and it makes him happy. What I want is a divorce. I know that's silly to want a divorce because of a job, but it's true. I don't want to ask him to quit a dream job. I want to move closer to my mom and just have him take the kids on the weekend (which is a hilarious idea because it's never going to happen, he HAS to work the weekends), however, it's quite literally the only way I can make him see his kids. Oh, and the only way I can have a life- we live about 2 hours away from both of our support systems and our closest friends. (which is really just my friends, because he works all the time and doesn't have friends because of it.) I've made new friends, but I trust my old friends more, because my new friends are in love with my husband's job.

Plus, I'm at risk of losing my job now because I'm juggling so much more than him. I don't want that. I hate his job and in turn, him. I've been crying every night because I feel like my only options are divorce, suicide, or apocalypse. So I pray for an apocalypse. Which has happened because I have cancer now. (totally treatable, unbelievable because it's in part stress induced).

I am so conflicted by this. I love him. I want to stay with him. But his job is literally killing me now. I am open to any suggestion or advice.

And for the record: My therapist hasn't been really helpful about this either. She knows it's a problem. But it's not him. It's his hours of work.

NOT GOOD, shit job for raising a family and being a life partner --> He works from 3pm-2am, roughly every day, and he works every most weekend.
NOT GOOD, job with awful hours AND shit pay??! --> His job== great perks, awful hours and poor pay.
NOT GOOD, you are trying to do everything w/ no help, and can't afford to hire help --> Plus, I'm at risk of losing my job now because I'm juggling so much more than him. I don't want that
NOT GOOD, he isn't listening or acknowledging the problem --> I have told him for almost a year that his work schedule is a huge burden for me, but he doesn't seem to prioritize me

Tell him this is UNSUSTAINABLE on every level, request he change job industries or functions to something that works for this family (money-wise, hours-wise, etc.).
Give him a ONE WEEK to process this and get back to you.
He responds directly to the issue and you.
You either get a week to think about it or tell him you're moving for help raising family from your Mom. Feel free to also start a legal separation (which is required for many state's divorces).
He has to get his priorities straight.

I have turned down music video jobs and silly stuff in media & entertainment, because it pays peanuts and no one gets promoted. I have found great jobs that aren't wreaking havoc on my personal life and that pay enough for a nanny, retirement and kid stuff. He needs to do this too. international spy pays peanuts too.

That's noble that you're want to "La La Land" it and let him go "follow his dreams", tell him that. Then follow through on your separation. If his talent and money is not there and he has a wife and kid, sounds like a terrible job for that. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:C

You can quit your job and focus on your health and supporting your family best you can. Cut back on expenses. Move if you must. Your DH works way too many hours.

hahahahha. quit your career and SAH by yourself and kids while gamer husband sleeps during the day and works at night for nil pay? wow. Good luck with that reality.

[Anonymous]

Is this one of those silly I Work the Stage at the VZ Center and FedEx Field gigs?

He should be managing that by now, not working bat hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:C

You can quit your job and focus on your health and supporting your family best you can. Cut back on expenses. Move if you must. Your DH works way too many hours.

hahahahha. quit your career and SAH by yourself and kids while gamer husband sleeps during the day and works at night for nil pay? wow. Good luck with that reality.

She has cancer. Op also alludes to owning a house that is worth a lot and living in a high COL area. She can make a choice for herself and her family. If her DH would rather quit and pick up slack then he can do it. But I think OP sounds very willing for change. So let him follow his bliss in a job that cut their HHI to 1/3 and move somewhere cheap.