DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not “single parenting”.

Ditto. You are not a single parent. Please stop using this phrase.

[Anonymous]

You are a married couple, not single, with one person working an afternoon/evening shift. If you wanted a 9-5 guy, with the potential for earning a high income, then you should have married one. Since that ship has sailed, and you chose to have kids with this guy, you have to make a decision.

I can see asking him to cut back his hours but essentially asking him to change what he does is TOO much. You do not marry someone, have kids by them, and then decide that you want a new model because this one isn't fitting into your fairy tale dream. Accept him as he is, make slight adjustments, and then go from there. There are plenty of couples that make marriage work where one person works an alternative shift. Seek advice from them.

You cannot marry someone and them ask them to dramatically change.

[Anonymous]

So if you move to your mom and your old friends...won't you loose that high-paying job as well? So your income would still be 1/3rd of what it was assuming you could get a new job quickly.

Honestly, you sound a bit selfish because you're lonely. You don't like your new friends and you want to take your toys and go home. Meanwhile you and your husband built a new life where you are. Suck it up buttercup.

[Anonymous]

Show him your post here.

Seriously.

You need to tell him directly and clearly how you're feeling and just how much of a crisis this is for you. I think your post communicates that well.

If it were me I might send him an email along the lines of

"John, I'm in trouble and I need your help. I feel like I am in crisis - physically (stress induced cancerl), professionally (my job is at risk because of the load I'm carrying and corners I'm having to cut), and maritally. I don't know what to do. Things are so bad that I wrote in an anonymous online forum for advice. Then I decided that, as raw as it is, this is probably what I need to find a way to tell you. So here I am.

I really need your help in figuring out how not to live in crisis and how to have a happy family. Can we schedule some time to talk about this in the next day or two? Friday evening, Saturday morning, and Sunday afternoon would work for me and I can get a babysitter to cover those times so we can really focus. Thank you."

And I'd then paste in the text of your posting here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if you move to your mom and your old friends...won't you loose that high-paying job as well? So your income would still be 1/3rd of what it was assuming you could get a new job quickly.

Honestly, you sound a bit selfish because you're lonely. You don't like your new friends and you want to take your toys and go home. Meanwhile you and your husband built a new life where you are. Suck it up buttercup.

OP here: Job is transferable. I work from home full time and make about 140k a year.

I didn't choose this. He took a new job without consulting me a year ago-- that's right, he got offered a job over the phone and took it without asking me about it. Before he had a regular 9-5 job. We moved to where we are so he can commute easily while I worked from home. But it's not longer sustainable because he is just never at home.

(Way sorry for the single parenting comment. It's more like abandoned parenting. Or something. I don't mean to offend anyone by that I'm just super stressed).

It wasn't like this before. We had a great life-- we had time for friends, we had time for weekend holidays. We had a life.

We don't have a life anymore. And it's mean that you're telling me to suck it up: I have. It's been so hard. My job isn't easy and I require a lot of time to focus on it and I can't because he's never around. I have to be home for the kids. He isn't home.

He has offered to work less but I'm not sure it's enough to save our relationship. I love him, he's a great guy. But I need a person who can spend time with me, who wants to spend time with me. Which we simply do not because he chooses to play golf instead of hanging out with me. He doesn't want to see the same movies. We don't do anything together-- not parenting, not family time, nothing. The only thing is that we share a bed. For about 3 hours.

I think the general consensus is that he needs to look for a new job. I think it may be the only way.

[Anonymous]

I can't help you until I know what this job is. Those are bartender hours but bartenders don't travel for work.

Ultimately, I think you need to present to him similarly to how you presented it here and leave it in his lap:

I love you. I love that you love your job. I don't want to take that from you but I can't continue to live this way. I don't feel right asking you to leave your job for a more traditional job, so I think we need to divorce for my health and for the well-being of our children. See how he responds.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like his dream job is sports DJ or announcer of something similar.

These types of jobs dont have to be forever jobs. Can you move and leave him behind until he tries of the job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't help you until I know what this job is. Those are bartender hours but bartenders don't travel for work.

Ultimately, I think you need to present to him similarly to how you presented it here and leave it in his lap:

I love you. I love that you love your job. I don't want to take that from you but I can't continue to live this way. I don't feel right asking you to leave your job for a more traditional job, so I think we need to divorce for my health and for the well-being of our children. See how he responds.

He's not a bartender: he handles PR in sports. Which you assume, hey, normal hours. NOPE. And shit pay. Because it's a dream job.

But I like what your wrote. Most of the stuff up here has been reasonable. Go DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you're basically not married. I've been there. It's like you have all the negatives of being married (extra laundry, messy house, etc.) but none of the rewards. I think you need to tell him that he needs to find another job with reasonable hours and be more present for the family. Basically, he needs to grow up. He has responsibilities now and he's not tending to those responsibilities.

You know what my dream job is? To be an actor. Not a famous star, but to act in plays locally. I did it in my early 20s. But you know what? I grew up, had a family, and we can't live on my "acting career" so I had to get a real job. It's a job I like, but it's sure not my dream job.

And you know what? your dh's choices aren't - dream job or job-I-hate. There are jobs you like for the most part, but they aren't your dream jobs.

Give him a timeframe (6 months or so) to find a new job. If he doesn't by then, move to where your mother and friends are. Tell him that's what you plan to do in XX months if he hasn't changed jobs by then.

Thanks. I like this one too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't help you until I know what this job is. Those are bartender hours but bartenders don't travel for work.

Ultimately, I think you need to present to him similarly to how you presented it here and leave it in his lap:

I love you. I love that you love your job. I don't want to take that from you but I can't continue to live this way. I don't feel right asking you to leave your job for a more traditional job, so I think we need to divorce for my health and for the well-being of our children. See how he responds.

He's not a bartender: he handles PR in sports. Which you assume, hey, normal hours. NOPE. And shit pay. Because it's a dream job.

But I like what your wrote. Most of the stuff up here has been reasonable. Go DCUM.

There are plenty of shit pay PR jobs in sports but some can have more reasonable hours (but maybe less glam). SID at a college may have an occasional late night and some odd hours along with some travel but nothing as crazy as you are discussing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't help you until I know what this job is. Those are bartender hours but bartenders don't travel for work.

Ultimately, I think you need to present to him similarly to how you presented it here and leave it in his lap:

I love you. I love that you love your job. I don't want to take that from you but I can't continue to live this way. I don't feel right asking you to leave your job for a more traditional job, so I think we need to divorce for my health and for the well-being of our children. See how he responds.

He's not a bartender: he handles PR in sports. Which you assume, hey, normal hours. NOPE. And shit pay. Because it's a dream job.

But I like what your wrote. Most of the stuff up here has been reasonable. Go DCUM.

I have a BIL who works in sports. He's literally only ON for crazy hours about 4-5 months of the year. When the sport is in season. The rest of the year his job is so easily its laughable unless a player who he works with has a major scandal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say move - and stay married.

You want your support system as your husband's job doesn't allow for it. You tell husband that you want to sell the house and move closer to mom. He shouldn't really care where he lives given that he's on tour or whatever for his job. It's HIS dream that you're supporting - great. But doesn't mean that YOUR dreams shouldn't have some room to grow.

Sell house in orderly manner and move; hopefully you'll have some money and mom's support to get a job fairly quickly and find more permanent housing.

Live there and love your husband as you do now. Get more free time for yourself with your moms/friends support and carve out a life for yourself. After the worldwide tour that is your husband's job fades over time he will have more time for you and kids.

You're happ(ier) - he's happy that you're not unhappy. Kids' relationship is what he prioritizes from there on in and what you assist with and make schedules for.

I like this idea. And if not, sister wives.

[Anonymous]

OP, what's his future look like? Is it possible that within a certain time frame, he can use this job as a springboard to something similar but with better hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't help you until I know what this job is. Those are bartender hours but bartenders don't travel for work.

Ultimately, I think you need to present to him similarly to how you presented it here and leave it in his lap:

I love you. I love that you love your job. I don't want to take that from you but I can't continue to live this way. I don't feel right asking you to leave your job for a more traditional job, so I think we need to divorce for my health and for the well-being of our children. See how he responds.

He's not a bartender: he handles PR in sports. Which you assume, hey, normal hours. NOPE. And shit pay. Because it's a dream job.

But I like what your wrote. Most of the stuff up here has been reasonable. Go DCUM.

NP here - I was assuming your DH worked for WWE, since those shows go on multiple times per week year round. And there is tons of travel. So it sounds like I wasn't too far off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what's his future look like? Is it possible that within a certain time frame, he can use this job as a springboard to something similar but with better hours?

NOPE. It gets worse as you go up. I met his boss one day: he's divorced and works ALL THE TIME.

It's like destiny in this line of work.