Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

Why do so many people on here thing that they are owed or "deserve" every question answered? Have you had personal experience with this? I think most of those posts have no first-hand experience with this at all.

[Anonymous]

She does have the right because they willingly registered on a DNA sharing site, Duh! They also have the right in not responding. If they ask and the birth mother still does not want to be approached then she has that right. Everyone has a right to privacy.

[Anonymous]

Also people are dumb. They just think this is cool, maybe we'll meet cousin Joe and it turns out that they are the product of the milk man and not their father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. Her bio family could have chosen not to do ancestry.com or checked the box that they not be contacted. They put themselves out there. Anyone who does that sort of test should understand by now that birth or other secrets could be revealed.

From my sister's case, her found siblings had no idea their mother had had another child. It was a family secret. They might have just thought they'd find cousins not the secret love child of their mom.

NP here but, tough. Such is life. They are adults, and this child's birth was presumably decades ago. It is not that child's fault they were born-- life happens.

Life is very tough, thanks for being kind about it. My sister is the product of a rape/incest (rape by family member). The family is of course very Catholic so it has caused quite a stir with her bio family. Imagine finding out that your mom had a child, that she was raped, and it was by her own stepfather who you grew up with and called him Pappi.

Yeah it isn't her fault she is alive, but she is a reminder of something awful to them all. No one wants to talk to her.

I should add that one my sister's bio-sisters filed a restraining order on her. My sister just sent her one message, and then she got served with a restraining order. It luckily got thrown out, but my poor sister had to pay an attorney to get it dropped. Sorry for all my posts, but I just think people should be warned.

[Anonymous]

Not to be cruel, but many of the answers on this thread are why so many women choose abortion over adoption (as PP alluded to). It’s sad that many feel that adopting is the right thing, only to have their lives blown up years later by their child contacting their aunts, cousins, etc.

I understand the pain of being adopted, but the fact that you have a family that chose you should mean something. I’m not adopted, but I grew up in a family marred by mental illness, alcoholism, and abuse. I don’t have a second family waiting for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you think I would want you now if I gave you up then?

What? Because most adoptions were not a result of the mother's choice. It was a societal mandate. What a stupid remark. But, when you find out the mother was an actual horrid person, then be glad you got out.

Given that OP's sister is as young as 18, and the bio mom is still in her early 40s, this adoption could have been as recent as 2000. Certainly not before about 1995. I hear your argument, but it really is much less appropriate for an adoption that occurred in the late 90s than it would be for an adoption in the 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people on here thing that they are owed or "deserve" every question answered? Have you had personal experience with this? I think most of those posts have no first-hand experience with this at all.

OP here. That's why I started this thread. I want to know from people with personal experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be cruel, but many of the answers on this thread are why so many women choose abortion over adoption (as PP alluded to). It’s sad that many feel that adopting is the right thing, only to have their lives blown up years later by their child contacting their aunts, cousins, etc.

I understand the pain of being adopted, but the fact that you have a family that chose you should mean something. I’m not adopted, but I grew up in a family marred by mental illness, alcoholism, and abuse. I don’t have a second family waiting for me.

OP here. Yes. After reading this thread I would never counsel someone to put a baby up for adoption. I truly always thought adoption was the more selfless choice before. I have children and can't imagine giving them up and then moving on with my life and how hard that would be.

[Anonymous]

People who willingly put their history, personal business and literally their DNA on Ancestry.com and the like who then get so shocked and annoyed by who and what comes to light are baffling to me.

Oh, you only really want to know your actual history and family truths if it turns out you are a direct descendant of Elizabeth I? Oh, OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who willingly put their history, personal business and literally their DNA on Ancestry.com and the like who then get so shocked and annoyed by who and what comes to light are baffling to me.

Oh, you only really want to know your actual history and family truths if it turns out you are a direct descendant of Elizabeth I? Oh, OK.

That's not the issue at all. Birth mom is not on Ancestry. Her relatives are...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who willingly put their history, personal business and literally their DNA on Ancestry.com and the like who then get so shocked and annoyed by who and what comes to light are baffling to me.

Oh, you only really want to know your actual history and family truths if it turns out you are a direct descendant of Elizabeth I? Oh, OK.

That's not the issue at all. Birth mom is not on Ancestry. Her relatives are...

Right. And they are all up in arms that one of their blood relatives is contacting them. You can't put the genie back in the bottle, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be cruel, but many of the answers on this thread are why so many women choose abortion over adoption (as PP alluded to). It’s sad that many feel that adopting is the right thing, only to have their lives blown up years later by their child contacting their aunts, cousins, etc.

I understand the pain of being adopted, but the fact that you have a family that chose you should mean something. I’m not adopted, but I grew up in a family marred by mental illness, alcoholism, and abuse. I don’t have a second family waiting for me.

Many didn't choose, especially with the older generations. Abortion was not available or the family would not allow it due to religious beliefs. My child's birth mom would have had an abortion if she could (why isn't important).

We have an open adoption on one side and it really helps with adoption issues. Child knows they are loved and supported and those relatives want them to be with us so there is no questioning the normal questions one has. We all speak regularly and they are not only family to our child but us. Yes, all families have issues but with adoption it makes things complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to be cruel, but many of the answers on this thread are why so many women choose abortion over adoption (as PP alluded to). It’s sad that many feel that adopting is the right thing, only to have their lives blown up years later by their child contacting their aunts, cousins, etc.

I understand the pain of being adopted, but the fact that you have a family that chose you should mean something. I’m not adopted, but I grew up in a family marred by mental illness, alcoholism, and abuse. I don’t have a second family waiting for me.

Many didn't choose, especially with the older generations. Abortion was not available or the family would not allow it due to religious beliefs. My child's birth mom would have had an abortion if she could (why isn't important).

We have an open adoption on one side and it really helps with adoption issues. Child knows they are loved and supported and those relatives want them to be with us so there is no questioning the normal questions one has. We all speak regularly and they are not only family to our child but us. Yes, all families have issues but with adoption it makes things complicated.

Older generations? Abortion was widely available in the mid 90s. This was a woman who wanted to have the baby but wanted it to be a closed adoption so she could move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to be cruel, but many of the answers on this thread are why so many women choose abortion over adoption (as PP alluded to). It’s sad that many feel that adopting is the right thing, only to have their lives blown up years later by their child contacting their aunts, cousins, etc.

I understand the pain of being adopted, but the fact that you have a family that chose you should mean something. I’m not adopted, but I grew up in a family marred by mental illness, alcoholism, and abuse. I don’t have a second family waiting for me.

Many didn't choose, especially with the older generations. Abortion was not available or the family would not allow it due to religious beliefs. My child's birth mom would have had an abortion if she could (why isn't important).

We have an open adoption on one side and it really helps with adoption issues. Child knows they are loved and supported and those relatives want them to be with us so there is no questioning the normal questions one has. We all speak regularly and they are not only family to our child but us. Yes, all families have issues but with adoption it makes things complicated.

Older generations? Abortion was widely available in the mid 90s. This was a woman who wanted to have the baby but wanted it to be a closed adoption so she could move on.

Right. It is very likely that the bio mom is the same age as most of us on this board. I think people are assuming the bio mom is in her 60s or something, but she had OP's sister in the late 90s. When, incidentally, it was almost certainly easier to get an abortion than it is now.

[Anonymous]

My friend sophomore year of HS gave up a child (early 2000s) who was the product of a rape. She actually tried to commit suicide after discovering she was pregnant because she was worried what her Catholic parents would think, and the attempt was stopped and of course the hospital told her parents she was pregnant.

We are still close friends, and she has spoken about how she is worried when the kid comes of age soon that she'll be contacted and she doesn't want to be. Her adoption was closed, and per parents would not permit her to have an abortion and as a minor she needed their consent in GA. Her husband, parents, siblings, and a few friends do know, but her grandparents and extended family don't know. Her children are too young to know/understand. She is worried than extended family member will do a DNA thingy and it will all come out - and she can't really control her cousins doing the DNA thing without telling them and she doesn't want to tell them the whole story - either she discloses the rape or she was a slut. It is very sad because she is still deeply ashamed of her rape to this day - I don't know if this is also exacerbated by her depression.

This may end up blowing up in her face, especially after reading this thread. Yes, she is getting mental health treatment. She is a wonderful person who I cherish as a friend. I pray it will work out for her.