Do you care about being estranged from your adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

He should have gotten 50/50 custody.

His wife cheated, so, what does that have to do with the kids?

Move out or kick her out and raise your kids.

But he walked away and only contributed $$$. That is not a father.

She moved and took the kids cross country without his consent. He could not move. He did not walk out. She cheated. If dads are refused visitation they should not pay child support. Cheating speaks to her character. There is little help for dads.

Still doesn’t explain why he’s not interested and “tired of it” when they contact him now, even the ones who aren’t asking for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

He should have gotten 50/50 custody.

His wife cheated, so, what does that have to do with the kids?

Move out or kick her out and raise your kids.

But he walked away and only contributed $$$. That is not a father.

She moved and took the kids cross country without his consent. He could not move. He did not walk out. She cheated. If dads are refused visitation they should not pay child support. Cheating speaks to her character. There is little help for dads.

Still doesn’t explain why he’s not interested and “tired of it” when they contact him now, even the ones who aren’t asking for money.

Also creepy is how pp is apparently proud of her DH’s behavior. She wants his money instead of it going to his ”greedy” kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

He should have gotten 50/50 custody.

His wife cheated, so, what does that have to do with the kids?

Move out or kick her out and raise your kids.

But he walked away and only contributed $$$. That is not a father.

She moved and took the kids cross country without his consent. He could not move. He did not walk out. She cheated. If dads are refused visitation they should not pay child support. Cheating speaks to her character. There is little help for dads.

Still doesn’t explain why he’s not interested and “tired of it” when they contact him now, even the ones who aren’t asking for money.

They are in their late 20's and 30's, so its been over 15 years of drama, money demands, court and more. At some point you give up and move on once they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

He should have gotten 50/50 custody.

His wife cheated, so, what does that have to do with the kids?

Move out or kick her out and raise your kids.

But he walked away and only contributed $$$. That is not a father.

She moved and took the kids cross country without his consent. He could not move. He did not walk out. She cheated. If dads are refused visitation they should not pay child support. Cheating speaks to her character. There is little help for dads.

Still doesn’t explain why he’s not interested and “tired of it” when they contact him now, even the ones who aren’t asking for money.

Also creepy is how pp is apparently proud of her DH’s behavior. She wants his money instead of it going to his ”greedy” kids?

His kids are adults. They have their own lives and need to support themselves. Why are adults who have no contact or very little entitled to inheritance? My husband tried very hard with them and treated them and his ex very well despite everything, so yes, I am proud of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

He should have gotten 50/50 custody.

His wife cheated, so, what does that have to do with the kids?

Move out or kick her out and raise your kids.

But he walked away and only contributed $$$. That is not a father.

She moved and took the kids cross country without his consent. He could not move. He did not walk out. She cheated. If dads are refused visitation they should not pay child support. Cheating speaks to her character. There is little help for dads.

Still doesn’t explain why he’s not interested and “tired of it” when they contact him now, even the ones who aren’t asking for money.

They are in their late 20's and 30's, so its been over 15 years of drama, money demands, court and more. At some point you give up and move on once they are adults.

The kids took him to court? Oh wait, that was the divorce. All the kids ask him for money? Oh wait, for two of them, you said “who knows what it’s about?” There was tons of drama? Oh wait, you said he basically hadn’t had much contact with them for 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

He should have gotten 50/50 custody.

His wife cheated, so, what does that have to do with the kids?

Move out or kick her out and raise your kids.

But he walked away and only contributed $$$. That is not a father.

She moved and took the kids cross country without his consent. He could not move. He did not walk out. She cheated. If dads are refused visitation they should not pay child support. Cheating speaks to her character. There is little help for dads.

Still doesn’t explain why he’s not interested and “tired of it” when they contact him now, even the ones who aren’t asking for money.

Also creepy is how pp is apparently proud of her DH’s behavior. She wants his money instead of it going to his ”greedy” kids?

His kids are adults. They have their own lives and need to support themselves. Why are adults who have no contact or very little entitled to inheritance? My husband tried very hard with them and treated them and his ex very well despite everything, so yes, I am proud of him.

They have little contact because your DH discourages it, as you plainly said. You think they need to support themselves so you and your sprogs can have all his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DHs parents banished themselves from our family. They’re welcomed back into our lives at their earliest convenience.

It always seems the husband part of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

He should have gotten 50/50 custody.

His wife cheated, so, what does that have to do with the kids?

Move out or kick her out and raise your kids.

But he walked away and only contributed $$$. That is not a father.

She moved and took the kids cross country without his consent. He could not move. He did not walk out. She cheated. If dads are refused visitation they should not pay child support. Cheating speaks to her character. There is little help for dads.

Still doesn’t explain why he’s not interested and “tired of it” when they contact him now, even the ones who aren’t asking for money.

Also creepy is how pp is apparently proud of her DH’s behavior. She wants his money instead of it going to his ”greedy” kids?

His kids are adults. They have their own lives and need to support themselves. Why are adults who have no contact or very little entitled to inheritance? My husband tried very hard with them and treated them and his ex very well despite everything, so yes, I am proud of him.

They have little contact because your DH discourages it, as you plainly said. You think they need to support themselves so you and your sprogs can have all his money.

Yes, I think kids in their late 20's who choose not to work and have kids need to support themselves. If girlfriend wants to be a SAHM, then Dad/son needs to work. My husband worked very hard to keep contact till the youngest turned 18. We had kids several years after the youngest turned 18/child support was long over. Ex still got money from husband. Would you financially support your son and girlfriend who choose to have a baby and not work? Her parents cut her off and she stopped talking to them as she's all about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

He should have gotten 50/50 custody.

His wife cheated, so, what does that have to do with the kids?

Move out or kick her out and raise your kids.

But he walked away and only contributed $$$. That is not a father.

She moved and took the kids cross country without his consent. He could not move. He did not walk out. She cheated. If dads are refused visitation they should not pay child support. Cheating speaks to her character. There is little help for dads.

Still doesn’t explain why he’s not interested and “tired of it” when they contact him now, even the ones who aren’t asking for money.

They are in their late 20's and 30's, so its been over 15 years of drama, money demands, court and more. At some point you give up and move on once they are adults.

The kids took him to court? Oh wait, that was the divorce. All the kids ask him for money? Oh wait, for two of them, you said “who knows what it’s about?” There was tons of drama? Oh wait, you said he basically hadn’t had much contact with them for 15 years.

They were back and forth for years over visitation and once for child support. Ex filed for more child support when we got married based off my income. She was really pissed when the judge told her she could not get child support from me and he took her off alimony that should have stopped several years before and two of the adult children off child support, leaving her only getting his pension and child support for one. She got spiteful and refused to let him see or talk to the youngest after that. We bought a plane ticket for every visit and she refused to send the kid. He flew up there several times and she refused to let him see him. At that point it wasn't worth making either family broke with a court battle that would make no difference as she wouldn't comply and court would not hold her accountable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

He should have gotten 50/50 custody.

His wife cheated, so, what does that have to do with the kids?

Move out or kick her out and raise your kids.

But he walked away and only contributed $$$. That is not a father.

She moved and took the kids cross country without his consent. He could not move. He did not walk out. She cheated. If dads are refused visitation they should not pay child support. Cheating speaks to her character. There is little help for dads.

Still doesn’t explain why he’s not interested and “tired of it” when they contact him now, even the ones who aren’t asking for money.

They are in their late 20's and 30's, so its been over 15 years of drama, money demands, court and more. At some point you give up and move on once they are adults.

The kids took him to court? Oh wait, that was the divorce. All the kids ask him for money? Oh wait, for two of them, you said “who knows what it’s about?” There was tons of drama? Oh wait, you said he basically hadn’t had much contact with them for 15 years.

They were back and forth for years over visitation and once for child support. Ex filed for more child support when we got married based off my income. She was really pissed when the judge told her she could not get child support from me and he took her off alimony that should have stopped several years before and two of the adult children off child support, leaving her only getting his pension and child support for one. She got spiteful and refused to let him see or talk to the youngest after that. We bought a plane ticket for every visit and she refused to send the kid. He flew up there several times and she refused to let him see him. At that point it wasn't worth making either family broke with a court battle that would make no difference as she wouldn't comply and court would not hold her accountable.

OK, but the kids were innocents in all this, especially for stuff that his ex did or did not do when they were minors. Why are you and your DH punishing them for that now?

Your post that they’re contacting him now and he wishes they wouldn’t is the awful part. Also awful is that you’re trying to make it all about them supposedly wanting money. When two of the three kids haven’t even mentioned money and just seem to want a relationship. So despite the importance you place on them being self-supporting, that’s not actually the issue with 2/3 of his kids. The way you posted “who knows why they’re trying to contact him” doesn’t make greed the reason, either. Even the kid in grad school could be told “no” and you could still have a relationship with him. Why can’t you and your DH condescend to having simple interactions with kids who aren’t asking for money, and even with the kid who is?

Team kids

[Anonymous]

Seems like a very strange question OP. How would someone not be bothered to be estranged from their kids? Why did they have kids in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a very strange question OP. How would someone not be bothered to be estranged from their kids? Why did they have kids in the first place?

12:03 says her DH isn’t bothered about being estranged from his kids from his first family and wants them to go away. Something about what his Ex-wife did about visitation while the kids were young, so he’s punishing the kids now. And something else about how 1 of the 3 kids asked him for money so the other kids who reached out totally must want money too. And something about how he’s incapable of saying “no” about money to that 1 kid and therefore he can’t have a relationship based on anything else with any of his kids.

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out on DCUM with people who make me want to take a shower. Today’s one of those days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a very strange question OP. How would someone not be bothered to be estranged from their kids? Why did they have kids in the first place?

If you hang out in the relationship forum, you see people have kids for all sorts of reasons. Some more altruistic than others.

Also, not many people seem to be able to transition gracefully from interacting with their child to interacting with an adult who they have finished raising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such an interesting thread. It kind of amazes me on DCUM when adult children act entitled to anything like money, babysitting services, time, input on their parent's decisions, etc. Our kids aren't fully grown yet, but once they are we will love spending time with them as long as it is positive and drama free. I will not beg for time, grandchildren, or time with kids or grandchildren. Maybe people should spend time together because they want to, not out of drama and obligation. My parents were no picnic, but I always had a relationship with them and loved them beyond their faults.

That's our plan, who knows what will happen. If I am not fond of someone my child decides to marry, I hope to be cordial, respectful, and a grown-up. It's not my choice who they marry.

Plus 1. I feel exactly as you do

[Anonymous]

As a parent at any age, you keep trying. Especially if steps are involved because although you may not have felt the downfall of a marriage was your fault-the kids were certainly innocent bystanders that endured great pain. My father was difficult to be around and my sister chose to be estranged from him for many years. Dad loved his kids provided very well, was never abusive or anything like that but just in general hard to spend time with. Dad kept trying with sister and eventually relationship repaired enough that he spent times with her kids, etc. It was entirely due to his efforts. When Dad died, my sister regretted the several years she was estranged and very grateful to have reconciled. Imo the bottom line is adult children should be more forgiving towards parents-we now know how hard parenting is! And parents should never give up trying to have relationship.