Do you care about being estranged from your adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I get what you're saying. They only contacted him for money or for "things" that could benefit them. They are adult users. You and your husband know what they're really after. I have a wealthy sibling and now his 2 spoiled grown brats are now hoping he'll leave his money to them, LOL. The funny thing is his wife is 14 years younger. I hope they don't get anything.

Make sure you guys have a solid trust!

Nope. One of his kids reached out and he wishes the kid would go away because “Who knows what it’s really about” — are you friggin kidding me? Why the heck are you assuming it’s about money? Another kid who did ask for money is apparently in grad school with a wife and child, per pp’s earlier post. I’d help but that’s not the point. So why not say “can’t spare any money now but let’s do coffee/dinner/Christmas”? Are there other kids, and why isn’t he reaching out to them? PP and her DH are appalling.

They live cross-country. One who reaches out sends random text and has no interest in seeing or talking to Dad. Daughter hears grandma, whom she hasn't seen in 25 years is dying and pretends to be concerned. If she were concerned, she'd come visit. Ex cheated on my husband, took the kids cross country to live with her boyfriend and lied to them saying he was a deadbeat and she refused to follow the court ordered visitation. Court would just tell her to send them with no consequences. So, at some point, after so many years, and the kids just using him for money, when is enough enough. We paid for plenty of unused plane tickets (once the youngest and the girlfriend came to visit but made it clear we would pay for his tickets in the future but hers was a one-time only and she got mad - she also cut off her parents after college when she had the baby as they refused to continue to fund her lifestyle when she refused to work/choose to have a child).

Nobody’s disputing that your DH’s wife sounds awful (if you’re giving us the complete story). It still sounds like two kids are reaching out without a financial interest and you and your DH are brushing them off.

I tend to take s “where there’s smoke there’s fire” view of these things. If your DH was totally innocent, all he had to do was tell his kids so. Or they figure it out on their own, like other posters on this thread.

I assume the kids know deep down and if they don't, its between them and their mother to tell them she cheated on Dad. Mom is with the AP, and it was pretty obvious what happened. At this point, why ruin their relationship with Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young adults cutting their parents off for perceived mistreatment these days. The parents are destroyed. The young adults don't care. They will care, one day, when they realize they aren't perfect parents either.

Not true. Children don’t cut off their parents without good reason.

“perceived mistreatment” is often abuse that the parents refuse to acknowledge or own.

Nope. My niece just announced one day that she was no longer interested in being part of our family. She wasn't abused. Quite the contrary. It's been six years since she's contacted any relatives. She lives with a group of friends who pretend to be lords and ladies from olden times. (no peasants)

I love how everyone is always so certain that there was no abuse. Surely you’re aware that these things are often well concealed?

I’m not saying your niece was abused, I just find it interesting how outsiders are so quick to conclude that there is no valid reason for the child to choose estrangement.

Obviously you can never know for certain, but sometimes one party really doesn't know the reason. My MIL used to be very close with her brother. They talked on the phone all the time, visited all the time, her niece was very close to her. Then one day MIL's brother and SIL and niece simply stopped returning her calls, stopped calling her, stopped all contact other than very minimal. She honestly does not know why. None of us do. My husband used to be very close to his uncle and he doesn't know why either. They live 20 mins from us and we haven't seen them in 6 years despite our repeated invitations. They didn't come to our son's bris nor our daughter's baby naming. They did send a gift for each and they accept the gifts everyone sends to them. They just apparently have no need to be part of the family anymore. MIL managed to get out of them that it was nothing she or anyone else had done, but they wouldn't give any kind of reason. It's bizarre. The last time I saw them was at my wedding 12 years ago. Not that I miss them personally -- never did care for them, to be honest -- but it's obnoxious and rude what they've done to my husband and inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young adults cutting their parents off for perceived mistreatment these days. The parents are destroyed. The young adults don't care. They will care, one day, when they realize they aren't perfect parents either.

Not true. Children don’t cut off their parents without good reason.

“perceived mistreatment” is often abuse that the parents refuse to acknowledge or own.

Nope. My niece just announced one day that she was no longer interested in being part of our family. She wasn't abused. Quite the contrary. It's been six years since she's contacted any relatives. She lives with a group of friends who pretend to be lords and ladies from olden times. (no peasants)

I love how everyone is always so certain that there was no abuse. Surely you’re aware that these things are often well concealed?

I’m not saying your niece was abused, I just find it interesting how outsiders are so quick to conclude that there is no valid reason for the child to choose estrangement.

Obviously you can never know for certain, but sometimes one party really doesn't know the reason. My MIL used to be very close with her brother. They talked on the phone all the time, visited all the time, her niece was very close to her. Then one day MIL's brother and SIL and niece simply stopped returning her calls, stopped calling her, stopped all contact other than very minimal. She honestly does not know why. None of us do. My husband used to be very close to his uncle and he doesn't know why either. They live 20 mins from us and we haven't seen them in 6 years despite our repeated invitations. They didn't come to our son's bris nor our daughter's baby naming. They did send a gift for each and they accept the gifts everyone sends to them. They just apparently have no need to be part of the family anymore. MIL managed to get out of them that it was nothing she or anyone else had done, but they wouldn't give any kind of reason. It's bizarre. The last time I saw them was at my wedding 12 years ago. Not that I miss them personally -- never did care for them, to be honest -- but it's obnoxious and rude what they've done to my husband and inlaws.

What you describe sounds very different from an adult child completely rejecting a parent though.

I’m sorry for what your MIL went through. It sounds very painful.

[Anonymous]

My dad doesn't care at all.

I miss him so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is in denial that it's happened. I see her a couple of times a year when she comes out here, and I keep things VERY surface. She asks probing questions and I either give a very vague answer or change the subject, she tells people personal things about me and when I get pissed she acts like she has no clue why. Like the time 9 of us were sitting around a table eating dinner and she talked about my bathroom habits when I was 2, and couldn't understand either why this was inappropriate at a dinner table while people were eating or why someone wouldn't want their baby poop talked about to other people.

So you’re not actually estranged but you’re both playing games with each other? That’s not what the thread is about. And yeah, grow up.

I'm not playing games with her. I did grow up by setting boundaries. It's hard because I don't want to hurt her feelings but do want to protect mine. Understand that was ONE minor example. She's done MUCH worse. That's simply the most recent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad doesn't care at all.

I miss him so much.

Maybe you should have treated him better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is in denial that it's happened. I see her a couple of times a year when she comes out here, and I keep things VERY surface. She asks probing questions and I either give a very vague answer or change the subject, she tells people personal things about me and when I get pissed she acts like she has no clue why. Like the time 9 of us were sitting around a table eating dinner and she talked about my bathroom habits when I was 2, and couldn't understand either why this was inappropriate at a dinner table while people were eating or why someone wouldn't want their baby poop talked about to other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad doesn't care at all.

I miss him so much.

Maybe you should have treated him better.

I treated him with tremendous love and respect my entire life. I was a daddy's girl for sure.

He remarried and had a new family after my mom died. Then he did a slow fade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad doesn't care at all.

I miss him so much.

Maybe you should have treated him better.

I treated him with tremendous love and respect my entire life. I was a daddy's girl for sure.

He remarried and had a new family after my mom died. Then he did a slow fade.

You sound like a lovely person PP. Ignore the thoughtless troll who wants to bring you down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

He should have gotten 50/50 custody.

His wife cheated, so, what does that have to do with the kids?

Move out or kick her out and raise your kids.

But he walked away and only contributed $$$. That is not a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad doesn't care at all.

I miss him so much.

Maybe you should have treated him better.

I treated him with tremendous love and respect my entire life. I was a daddy's girl for sure.

He remarried and had a new family after my mom died. Then he did a slow fade.

My friend reconnected with her father when she was 50.

He did finally grow up and even though he is not perfect they do have some relationship.

Some people are just broken. Reconnecting helped her see he is a flawed human and her abandonment had nothing to do with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad doesn't care at all.

I miss him so much.

Maybe you should have treated him better.

I treated him with tremendous love and respect my entire life. I was a daddy's girl for sure.

He remarried and had a new family after my mom died. Then he did a slow fade.

You sound like a lovely person PP. Ignore the thoughtless troll who wants to bring you down.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

He should have gotten 50/50 custody.

His wife cheated, so, what does that have to do with the kids?

Move out or kick her out and raise your kids.

But he walked away and only contributed $$$. That is not a father.

She moved and took the kids cross country without his consent. He could not move. He did not walk out. She cheated. If dads are refused visitation they should not pay child support. Cheating speaks to her character. There is little help for dads.

[Anonymous]

This is such an interesting thread. It kind of amazes me on DCUM when adult children act entitled to anything like money, babysitting services, time, input on their parent's decisions, etc. Our kids aren't fully grown yet, but once they are we will love spending time with them as long as it is positive and drama free. I will not beg for time, grandchildren, or time with kids or grandchildren. Maybe people should spend time together because they want to, not out of drama and obligation. My parents were no picnic, but I always had a relationship with them and loved them beyond their faults.

That's our plan, who knows what will happen. If I am not fond of someone my child decides to marry, I hope to be cordial, respectful, and a grown-up. It's not my choice who they marry.