Do you care about being estranged from your adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young adults cutting their parents off for perceived mistreatment these days. The parents are destroyed. The young adults don't care. They will care, one day, when they realize they aren't perfect parents either.

Not true. Children don’t cut off their parents without good reason.

“perceived mistreatment” is often abuse that the parents refuse to acknowledge or own.

np This isn't true in all cases. My sister cut off my mom and then my sib and I and we did nothing to her. Sometimes there is mental illness at play here. We feel sorry for her children who will not know us but, otherwise what can we do?

How do you know your sister doesn’t have good reason? You’ve already pre judged and predetermined that she has no good reason.

What can you do? Have you tried asking her what her reasons are and then believing her when she tells you? Have you tried supporting her instead of just taking your mother’s side?

I know mental illness can be at play here. I also know that it’s possoble for one sibling to have been abused and for the others not to have known about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I get what you're saying. They only contacted him for money or for "things" that could benefit them. They are adult users. You and your husband know what they're really after. I have a wealthy sibling and now his 2 spoiled grown brats are now hoping he'll leave his money to them, LOL. The funny thing is his wife is 14 years younger. I hope they don't get anything.

Make sure you guys have a solid trust!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

Why on earth does she get life long alimony? Is she disabled?

I'd go back to court to cut them all off, then move to a nice undisclosed location!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I get what you're saying. They only contacted him for money or for "things" that could benefit them. They are adult users. You and your husband know what they're really after. I have a wealthy sibling and now his 2 spoiled grown brats are now hoping he'll leave his money to them, LOL. The funny thing is his wife is 14 years younger. I hope they don't get anything.

Make sure you guys have a solid trust!

Nope. One of his kids reached out and he wishes the kid would go away because “Who knows what it’s really about” — are you friggin kidding me? Why the heck are you assuming it’s about money? Another kid who did ask for money is apparently in grad school with a wife and child, per pp’s earlier post. I’d help but that’s not the point. So why not say “can’t spare any money now but let’s do coffee/dinner/Christmas”? Are there other kids, and why isn’t he reaching out to them? PP and her DH are appalling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I get what you're saying. They only contacted him for money or for "things" that could benefit them. They are adult users. You and your husband know what they're really after. I have a wealthy sibling and now his 2 spoiled grown brats are now hoping he'll leave his money to them, LOL. The funny thing is his wife is 14 years younger. I hope they don't get anything.

Make sure you guys have a solid trust!

Nope. One of his kids reached out and he wishes the kid would go away because “Who knows what it’s really about” — are you friggin kidding me? Why the heck are you assuming it’s about money? Another kid who did ask for money is apparently in grad school with a wife and child, per pp’s earlier post. I’d help but that’s not the point. So why not say “can’t spare any money now but let’s do coffee/dinner/Christmas”? Are there other kids, and why isn’t he reaching out to them? PP and her DH are appalling.

They live cross-country. One who reaches out sends random text and has no interest in seeing or talking to Dad. Daughter hears grandma, whom she hasn't seen in 25 years is dying and pretends to be concerned. If she were concerned, she'd come visit. Ex cheated on my husband, took the kids cross country to live with her boyfriend and lied to them saying he was a deadbeat and she refused to follow the court ordered visitation. Court would just tell her to send them with no consequences. So, at some point, after so many years, and the kids just using him for money, when is enough enough. We paid for plenty of unused plane tickets (once the youngest and the girlfriend came to visit but made it clear we would pay for his tickets in the future but hers was a one-time only and she got mad - she also cut off her parents after college when she had the baby as they refused to continue to fund her lifestyle when she refused to work/choose to have a child).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Why is it always the man to blame? She cheated, she told the kids he didn't pay child support and the extra's she demanded and that is why they went without when she refused to spend the money (and if we bought stuff for the kids and sent it, she threw it away), etc. So, after being treated like crap by the kids and ex, what more should he do? They only want his money and when they are adults, its time they support themselves (and if they want gifts/money, at least email a thank you when you receive it). He's a great father and husband. If kids want money from Dad, since he pays life long alimony, get it from her.

Why on earth does she get life long alimony? Is she disabled?

I'd go back to court to cut them all off, then move to a nice undisclosed location!

Military retirement pay - they were married 9 years, divorced by 30. It makes no sense when she cheated, choose to leave and lifelong based off his retirement years when she did nothing for those remaining years but that is how the laws are. Not much you can do about it and its not enough money worth fighting over. She better hope she dies before him as that's her only income and her boyfriend of all these years refuses to marry her so she's going to be up a creek (he's military too so it would have made sense for the life long health care and his military pension). His ex is oddly nice to us now and texts every so often.

[Anonymous]

Who you care, as a grand-parent, if there are additional grand-children you don't know about and live near you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I get what you're saying. They only contacted him for money or for "things" that could benefit them. They are adult users. You and your husband know what they're really after. I have a wealthy sibling and now his 2 spoiled grown brats are now hoping he'll leave his money to them, LOL. The funny thing is his wife is 14 years younger. I hope they don't get anything.

Make sure you guys have a solid trust!

Everything will go to me and our kids, who are minors. I cannot imagine they expect money from him. We would have gladly helped with baby gear and even college if things had been different. I'm more worried about his ex trying to go after me for money if he passes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I get what you're saying. They only contacted him for money or for "things" that could benefit them. They are adult users. You and your husband know what they're really after. I have a wealthy sibling and now his 2 spoiled grown brats are now hoping he'll leave his money to them, LOL. The funny thing is his wife is 14 years younger. I hope they don't get anything.

Make sure you guys have a solid trust!

Nope. One of his kids reached out and he wishes the kid would go away because “Who knows what it’s really about” — are you friggin kidding me? Why the heck are you assuming it’s about money? Another kid who did ask for money is apparently in grad school with a wife and child, per pp’s earlier post. I’d help but that’s not the point. So why not say “can’t spare any money now but let’s do coffee/dinner/Christmas”? Are there other kids, and why isn’t he reaching out to them? PP and her DH are appalling.

They live cross-country. One who reaches out sends random text and has no interest in seeing or talking to Dad. Daughter hears grandma, whom she hasn't seen in 25 years is dying and pretends to be concerned. If she were concerned, she'd come visit. Ex cheated on my husband, took the kids cross country to live with her boyfriend and lied to them saying he was a deadbeat and she refused to follow the court ordered visitation. Court would just tell her to send them with no consequences. So, at some point, after so many years, and the kids just using him for money, when is enough enough. We paid for plenty of unused plane tickets (once the youngest and the girlfriend came to visit but made it clear we would pay for his tickets in the future but hers was a one-time only and she got mad - she also cut off her parents after college when she had the baby as they refused to continue to fund her lifestyle when she refused to work/choose to have a child).

Nobody’s disputing that your DH’s wife sounds awful (if you’re giving us the complete story). It still sounds like two kids are reaching out without a financial interest and you and your DH are brushing them off.

I tend to take s “where there’s smoke there’s fire” view of these things. If your DH was totally innocent, all he had to do was tell his kids so. Or they figure it out on their own, like other posters on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young adults cutting their parents off for perceived mistreatment these days. The parents are destroyed. The young adults don't care. They will care, one day, when they realize they aren't perfect parents either.

Not true. Children don’t cut off their parents without good reason.

“perceived mistreatment” is often abuse that the parents refuse to acknowledge or own.

Nope. My niece just announced one day that she was no longer interested in being part of our family. She wasn't abused. Quite the contrary. It's been six years since she's contacted any relatives. She lives with a group of friends who pretend to be lords and ladies from olden times. (no peasants)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young adults cutting their parents off for perceived mistreatment these days. The parents are destroyed. The young adults don't care. They will care, one day, when they realize they aren't perfect parents either.

Not true. Children don’t cut off their parents without good reason.

“perceived mistreatment” is often abuse that the parents refuse to acknowledge or own.

Nope. My niece just announced one day that she was no longer interested in being part of our family. She wasn't abused. Quite the contrary. It's been six years since she's contacted any relatives. She lives with a group of friends who pretend to be lords and ladies from olden times. (no peasants)

I love how everyone is always so certain that there was no abuse. Surely you’re aware that these things are often well concealed?

I’m not saying your niece was abused, I just find it interesting how outsiders are so quick to conclude that there is no valid reason for the child to choose estrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young adults cutting their parents off for perceived mistreatment these days. The parents are destroyed. The young adults don't care. They will care, one day, when they realize they aren't perfect parents either.

Not true. Children don’t cut off their parents without good reason.

“perceived mistreatment” is often abuse that the parents refuse to acknowledge or own.

np This isn't true in all cases. My sister cut off my mom and then my sib and I and we did nothing to her. Sometimes there is mental illness at play here. We feel sorry for her children who will not know us but, otherwise what can we do?

How do you know your sister doesn’t have good reason? You’ve already pre judged and predetermined that she has no good reason.


What can you do? Have you tried asking her what her reasons are and then believing her when she tells you? Have you tried supporting her instead of just taking your mother’s side?

I know mental illness can be at play here. I also know that it’s possoble for one sibling to have been abused and for the others not to have known about it.

I'm not going to share any more personal information because frankly it is none of anyone's business. I know my family history and I say my mom did not deserve to be cut off. Also, if someone doesn't want to be in your life you take them at their word and leave them alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a “falling out” with one of our adult children. Grandchild was involved. We were cut off from our granddaughter, so we fell on the sword and apologized for upsetting the parents. For what, we have no idea. However, we get to see our grandchild and we have the privilege of spending lots of money to do so.
I don’t know when or how everything got flip flopped.

You sound like my husband, who says: "I've no idea what I'm apologizing for, but here's my apology". In other words, it's meaningless. You must have some idea of why your child was upset, even if you believe you are not responsible, right? What did they say?

20:31. We still have no idea what we apologized for. Our child married a very difficult person. They wanted an apology, they got an apology, we see our grandchild. Everybody wins.

After reading the rest of the crap people throw at each other, at least you got things moving. Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a “falling out” with one of our adult children. Grandchild was involved. We were cut off from our granddaughter, so we fell on the sword and apologized for upsetting the parents. For what, we have no idea. However, we get to see our grandchild and we have the privilege of spending lots of money to do so.
I don’t know when or how everything got flip flopped.

You sound like my husband, who says: "I've no idea what I'm apologizing for, but here's my apology". In other words, it's meaningless. You must have some idea of why your child was upset, even if you believe you are not responsible, right? What did they say?

20:31. We still have no idea what we apologized for. Our child married a very difficult person. They wanted an apology, they got an apology, we see our grandchild. Everybody wins.

After reading the rest of the crap people throw at each other, at least you got things moving. Good for you!

This reminds me of something Dr.Phil of all people used to say:

“Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

You chose happy and I commend you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many, many of my friends have adult kids who drew lines in the sand over the most trivial things. Perceived expressions, they bought the wrong gift, didn't go to a recital, whatever. They all seem like they are in hostage situations so they can see their grandkids.

Funny, I don't know a single adult who has gone low contact or has completely cut off a parent for trivial things. I do know of grandparents who refuse to admit the horrible, inappropriate things they have done. Trivial? I don't think so pp.

NP. I agree completely. I have never seen an adult child cut their parents off for arbitrary reasons. More often you see the adult children continuing to make it work long after everyone else can see what a destructive force the parent is.

It’s also not a “hostage” situation with the grandkids. I am my child’s mother and I get to decide who spends time with my children. Only people who are able to be reasonable and demonstrate basic respect for me are allowed in my children’s lives. It’s not a hostage situation, but yeah I do hold the cards and I’m not afraid to cheerfully make sure that’s understood.

I have--when I've seen it, it's because of the child's spouse. The situation I'm really thinking of, I suspect that it's because the spouse is from a different religion, which believes people of other religions are going straight to hell, and I think the spouse was going out of her way to try to cut her husband off from his birth religion.