Do you care about being estranged from your adult children?

[Anonymous]

My mother is in denial that it's happened. I see her a couple of times a year when she comes out here, and I keep things VERY surface. She asks probing questions and I either give a very vague answer or change the subject, she tells people personal things about me and when I get pissed she acts like she has no clue why. Like the time 9 of us were sitting around a table eating dinner and she talked about my bathroom habits when I was 2, and couldn't understand either why this was inappropriate at a dinner table while people were eating or why someone wouldn't want their baby poop talked about to other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is in denial that it's happened. I see her a couple of times a year when she comes out here, and I keep things VERY surface. She asks probing questions and I either give a very vague answer or change the subject, she tells people personal things about me and when I get pissed she acts like she has no clue why. Like the time 9 of us were sitting around a table eating dinner and she talked about my bathroom habits when I was 2, and couldn't understand either why this was inappropriate at a dinner table while people were eating or why someone wouldn't want their baby poop talked about to other people.

Yeah, you poor thing.
Or...
Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Agree. This poster sounds like a witch. Any women who discourages her DH from contacting his kids is awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.

Agree. This poster sounds like a witch. Any women who discourages her DH from contacting his kids is awful.

Watch out PP. Lots of territorial, triggered divorced moms here.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. [b]He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it.[/b] One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.[/quote]

I can see why his kids don't have a relationship with him. And it's not their mother's fault.[/quote]

Agree. This poster sounds like a witch. Any women who discourages her DH from contacting his kids is awful.[/quote]

Watch out PP. Lots of territorial, triggered divorced moms here. [/quote]

NP. Nope, she does sound like a smug witch. Her stepkids need their dad in their lives, for things besides money. But she’s obviously happy that she doesn’t have to deal with them, instead of encouraging him to be a dad.

So maybe starting a family in grad school wasn’t the greatest idea, but why the smug outrage that they’re even asking for help? Maybe the DS’ wife can’t earn enough to justify daycare—we only have pp’s side of this story. And my parents helped me with grad school (I didn’t have kids then) and I plan to do so for my kids. PP’s DH doesn’t have to pay the full tuition. A hundred a month would go a long way, but no, pp is chuckling about how her DH refused. No wonder his kids detest him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is in denial that it's happened. I see her a couple of times a year when she comes out here, and I keep things VERY surface. She asks probing questions and I either give a very vague answer or change the subject, she tells people personal things about me and when I get pissed she acts like she has no clue why. Like the time 9 of us were sitting around a table eating dinner and she talked about my bathroom habits when I was 2, and couldn't understand either why this was inappropriate at a dinner table while people were eating or why someone wouldn't want their baby poop talked about to other people.

So you’re not actually estranged but you’re both playing games with each other? That’s not what the thread is about. And yeah, grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many, many of my friends have adult kids who drew lines in the sand over the most trivial things. Perceived expressions, they bought the wrong gift, didn't go to a recital, whatever. They all seem like they are in hostage situations so they can see their grandkids.

Funny, I don't know a single adult who has gone low contact or has completely cut off a parent for trivial things. I do know of grandparents who refuse to admit the horrible, inappropriate things they have done. Trivial? I don't think so pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was estranged from my dad from age 15 to 27.

My mom manipulated me and lied to me about him, I truly believed he was “evil” as she put it.

He never gave up on me. Never. No matter what I threw at him, no matter how much I hated him, how cruel I was, all I ever got back was “I love you and I am here for you whenever you need me.”

That’s what real parental love looks like.

This. I am a second wife and my husbands divorce was very bitter. There is definitely some parental alienation going on from ex wife and ex in laws. But my husband continues to see his young adult kids on their terms. At some point, they will hopefully mature enough to begin trusting their own interactions with their father and have a closer relationship. It is getting better but it’s not perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a “falling out” with one of our adult children. Grandchild was involved. We were cut off from our granddaughter, so we fell on the sword and apologized for upsetting the parents. For what, we have no idea. However, we get to see our grandchild and we have the privilege of spending lots of money to do so.
I don’t know when or how everything got flip flopped.

You sound like my husband, who says: "I've no idea what I'm apologizing for, but here's my apology". In other words, it's meaningless. You must have some idea of why your child was upset, even if you believe you are not responsible, right? What did they say?

20:31. We still have no idea what we apologized for. Our child married a very difficult person. They wanted an apology, they got an apology, we see our grandchild. Everybody wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been estranged from his three kids from his first marriage. Ex wife did everything she could to make him the one and lied about so many things and the kids believed it. He does not care as its been so many years. One started to reach out occasionally and he's friendly back but he'd be happier if they didn't contact him as its who knows what its really about and he's tired of it. One other only calls for money and once we started saying no, they refused to talk to us, which is fine. If you have a kid, living with your girlfriend who refuses to work and you are in school, you figure out how to provide. We offered all our baby gear and clothing and they refused demanding new. No biggie.

So either you're MUCH younger than your husband or this shit was ancient and not made with current safety standards right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many, many of my friends have adult kids who drew lines in the sand over the most trivial things. Perceived expressions, they bought the wrong gift, didn't go to a recital, whatever. They all seem like they are in hostage situations so they can see their grandkids.

Funny, I don't know a single adult who has gone low contact or has completely cut off a parent for trivial things. I do know of grandparents who refuse to admit the horrible, inappropriate things they have done. Trivial? I don't think so pp.

It's not "funny" sweetheart, and your comment was very transparent.... especially your choice of adjectives. God help your parents- they are probably on this thread apologizing for anything and EVERYTHING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many, many of my friends have adult kids who drew lines in the sand over the most trivial things. Perceived expressions, they bought the wrong gift, didn't go to a recital, whatever. They all seem like they are in hostage situations so they can see their grandkids.

Funny, I don't know a single adult who has gone low contact or has completely cut off a parent for trivial things. I do know of grandparents who refuse to admit the horrible, inappropriate things they have done. Trivial? I don't think so pp.

NP. I agree completely. I have never seen an adult child cut their parents off for arbitrary reasons. More often you see the adult children continuing to make it work long after everyone else can see what a destructive force the parent is.

It’s also not a “hostage” situation with the grandkids. I am my child’s mother and I get to decide who spends time with my children. Only people who are able to be reasonable and demonstrate basic respect for me are allowed in my children’s lives. It’s not a hostage situation, but yeah I do hold the cards and I’m not afraid to cheerfully make sure that’s understood.

[Anonymous]

Lots of young adults cutting their parents off for perceived mistreatment these days. The parents are destroyed. The young adults don't care. They will care, one day, when they realize they aren't perfect parents either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young adults cutting their parents off for perceived mistreatment these days. The parents are destroyed. The young adults don't care. They will care, one day, when they realize they aren't perfect parents either.

Not true. Children don’t cut off their parents without good reason.

“perceived mistreatment” is often abuse that the parents refuse to acknowledge or own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of young adults cutting their parents off for perceived mistreatment these days. The parents are destroyed. The young adults don't care. They will care, one day, when they realize they aren't perfect parents either.

Not true. Children don’t cut off their parents without good reason.

“perceived mistreatment” is often abuse that the parents refuse to acknowledge or own.

np This isn't true in all cases. My sister cut off my mom and then my sib and I and we did nothing to her. Sometimes there is mental illness at play here. We feel sorry for her children who will not know us but, otherwise what can we do?