Reply to DW can't manage or handle her aging dad.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL.  Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things.  She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense.   I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons.  It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day.  As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined.  It's also caused my brother and I to step up.  It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person.  It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc.  It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically.  It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally.   One of my biggest fears is  that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad.  Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that.  It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself.  However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger.  Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all.  You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do. [/quote]

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.[/quote]

I mean this nicely , but we get it.  He sounds really difficult and I don't blame you for not liking him. What you don't seem to get is that posters are telling you to knock this off with your wife.  She needs your support, kindness, and love.  Approaching her as a concerned spouse for HER well being and leaving out YOUR feelings about him and yourself are going to make a MUCH more welcoming environment for your wife to feel like she can talk to you.  So for now, knock it off.  Be a loving and supportive husband.  Help your wife find a therapist.  Do not phrase it as she needs someone to talk to her about dealing with her dad , rather someone to help her with her feelings surrounding her dad and his illness and it's toll on her.

I'm hoping you can do this.  I'm honestly not sure though since all your posts are just the same thing about what a jerk you think he is.   If you find that you're not able to support your wife, then your wife is right.  You are being selfish and tone death.  [/quote]

NP here. It just sounds like he has to sit there watching her being used and ground down to nothing by the man. If this were another relative, for example, a aunt, who was demanding help on a daily basis, some of us would probably say enough is enough, the old lady needs to pay for a home health aide or companion. Just because it's her dad doesn't give him license to drain the life out of his daughter. I wouldn't want to watch my own husband be worn down by his parents if they were obviously taking advantage of him all the time, never saying thank you, always asking for me and refusing to do anything to make the situation easier for the one who has to do all the work. [/quote]

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