The amount of affairs on here

[Anonymous]

To 15:40:
If your husband refuses sex and refuses help/counseling, and you tell him you want an open marriage and he refuses, are you still a coward if you choose to have sex with someone else until the children leave the house? Is the husband who has chosen to change the parameters of the marriage and expects you to just suck it up wrong at all, or is he all clear and "charting his life in a respectful way?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the deal? I know a lot of these posts and comments are probably trolls, but there seems to be a lot of legitimate cheaters. To the serial cheaters, why are you getting married and having kids? You had to know that you weren't marriage material before you got married. Like "well I am kinda a hoe, so maybe I shouldn't make any vows." Then you just ruin the lives of everyone around you. Like a wrecking ball.

Look, you are pretty horrible people and I don't expect you to listen, but if you're not marriage material, let the people know beforehand. Please don't get married and more importantly have children. Just the avoid the family life. Let someone a better person, that will not make your partner miserable, find love. You are just blocking up traffic. Like the person on the Metro rests their feet on the seat next to them. Move and let someone else have it.

OK, so I'm one of those people. But I was faithful for 20 years and had kids. But ... then I got all broken inside, made bad decisions, had some faulty coping mechanisms. Serial cheater? I only cheated with one person, but it was lots and lots of times.

I sure as hell didn't know when I got married that I wasn't going to stay faithful. I had no idea. I surprised myself. I'd never cheated on anybody up to that point. In hindsight I realized I'd had some emotional affairs and I pushed the boundaries of what was OK before marriage, and maybe even a bit after, but at the time I did NOT have any clue, no idea, and it was only after cheating "for real" and reading reading reading up on myself did I realize that I'd had issues my whole life, that I just didn't know it.

If I'd known then what I know now ... things WOULD be different. I probably would not have married the person I married. And sure, I might be a horrible person. Pretty much, I agree, I'm a selfish, horrible, cheater and I can't seem to find empathy for my spouse. But I didn't know in my 20s.

So you were like: "I am having some issues, well time to crush my family." You were on this planet for twenty years and you still couldn't figure out that you were a horrible person? Like even before you had kids? You just wasted someone's life. Like people only have one of those.

No, no. I was on the planet for well more than 20 years before I realized I was a horrible person. I DIDN'T know it when I was in my 20s. Or 30s. Just came out in my 40s when I started cheating on my spouse after being a non-cheater for my first 40-odd years. How could I have knows when I was 24 what I was going to do when I was in my 40s? Impossible. I'm pretty certain most people don't start married life anticipating all the challenges they are going to face and figure out that they are going to use cheating as a (fairly ineffective) way to cope.

I didn't PLAN to crush my family. That was an unexpected bonus. Jeeeeeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To 15:40:
If your husband refuses sex and refuses help/counseling, and you tell him you want an open marriage and he refuses, are you still a coward if you choose to have sex with someone else until the children leave the house? Is the husband who has chosen to change the parameters of the marriage and expects you to just suck it up wrong at all, or is he all clear and "charting his life in a respectful way?"

Yes, you are still a coward. I guess if I told my husband that was my intention in order to give him the autonomy to divorce me that would be alright. Messy but if its an ultimatum then it needs to be communicated as such.

Husband is not looking good here either, none of my posts have said that the sex-withholding spouse is being a good spouse. But as I very clearly said in my previous post, two wrongs don't make a right, we learn that in kindergarten. Being a grown up is hard, just because one of you isn't charting their life respectfully doesn't mean the other spouse should join them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the deal? I know a lot of these posts and comments are probably trolls, but there seems to be a lot of legitimate cheaters. To the serial cheaters, why are you getting married and having kids? You had to know that you weren't marriage material before you got married. Like "well I am kinda a hoe, so maybe I shouldn't make any vows." Then you just ruin the lives of everyone around you. Like a wrecking ball.

Look, you are pretty horrible people and I don't expect you to listen, but if you're not marriage material, let the people know beforehand. Please don't get married and more importantly have children. Just the avoid the family life. Let someone a better person, that will not make your partner miserable, find love. You are just blocking up traffic. Like the person on the Metro rests their feet on the seat next to them. Move and let someone else have it.

OK, so I'm one of those people. But I was faithful for 20 years and had kids. But ... then I got all broken inside, made bad decisions, had some faulty coping mechanisms. Serial cheater? I only cheated with one person, but it was lots and lots of times.

I sure as hell didn't know when I got married that I wasn't going to stay faithful. I had no idea. I surprised myself. I'd never cheated on anybody up to that point. In hindsight I realized I'd had some emotional affairs and I pushed the boundaries of what was OK before marriage, and maybe even a bit after, but at the time I did NOT have any clue, no idea, and it was only after cheating "for real" and reading reading reading up on myself did I realize that I'd had issues my whole life, that I just didn't know it.

If I'd known then what I know now ... things WOULD be different. I probably would not have married the person I married. And sure, I might be a horrible person. Pretty much, I agree, I'm a selfish, horrible, cheater and I can't seem to find empathy for my spouse. But I didn't know in my 20s.

So you were like: "I am having some issues, well time to crush my family." You were on this planet for twenty years and you still couldn't figure out that you were a horrible person? Like even before you had kids? You just wasted someone's life. Like people only have one of those.

No, no. I was on the planet for well more than 20 years before I realized I was a horrible person. I DIDN'T know it when I was in my 20s. Or 30s. Just came out in my 40s when I started cheating on my spouse after being a non-cheater for my first 40-odd years. How could I have knows when I was 24 what I was going to do when I was in my 40s? Impossible. I'm pretty certain most people don't start married life anticipating all the challenges they are going to face and figure out that they are going to use cheating as a (fairly ineffective) way to cope.

I didn't PLAN to crush my family. That was an unexpected bonus. Jeeeeeez.

Yes, how on earth could you be expected to know what you were going to do?!!? It's not your fault!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, how on earth could you be expected to know what you were going to do?!!? It's not your fault!

No, I didn't say that. Of course it is my fault. But 24 year old me isn't the same as 49 year old me. 24 year old me isn't at fault.

[Anonymous]

People cheat. Infidelity is nothing new humans been doing it for millennia. Same with lying, stealing, assaulting, murdering, and dozens of other "no-no"s. Not saying we should accept such bad behavior but its not something to be all shocked about either. Human beings aren't perfect.

[Anonymous]

There are lots of affairs because the law no longer punishes cheaters, and women are no longer afraid of being known to the public as sluts or home-wreckers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are lots of affairs because the law no longer punishes cheaters, and women are no longer afraid of being known to the public as sluts or home-wreckers.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are lots of affairs because the law no longer punishes cheaters, and women are no longer afraid of being known to the public as sluts or home-wreckers.

+1

And men are no longer afraid about being labeled dead beats and home wreckers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So a spouse can decide to not uphold their end of the vows, be aware of their spouse's unhappiness and dissatisfaction and refuse to address it, but the cheater would be the only bad guy in this scenario?
Sorry, not buying it.

+1

One spouse cheats and the other spouse checks out emotionally and/or physically- both are equally responsible for the demise of their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are lots of affairs because the law no longer punishes cheaters, and women are no longer afraid of being known to the public as sluts or home-wreckers.

Good. Cheating is a moral failing not a legal one, and all of these labels are juvenile.

[Anonymous]

If 40% or more of marriages end in divorce there is a lot of stuff going on. People on this site are likely spouse complainers to begin with thus the odds are even higher. It's all simple math. I'm lucky to really like my DH and this site simply reminds me that I am lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Serious question. Can you see any situation where a couple may be better off staying together, at least for some period of time, while one cheats, instead of divorcing? And please, stop with the, "just ask for an open marriage," crap. To be certain, almost no spouse is going to agree to that and most know not to ask for the trouble it would cause.

It sounds so simplistic to just say, if things are bad, start the divorce process, then separation of a year, then divorce, then an appropriate healing period, then date. Do everything in the right order. Sorry, but life doesn't always work in an orderly fashion. People deserve a healthy sex life, for example. When one partner makes the unilateral decision that, within the marriage, sex has now ended for both, what is the other to do? Have they not been cheated out of one of the best parts of an adult relationship? is THAT OK?

Is divorcing and breaking up the marriage and family always the best answer? Is remaining sexless, angry, and bitter towards your spouse in the prime of your life a good solution? Is there no situation where getting what is missing a better choice, enabling the partner to be happy and fulfilled by the rest of his/her marriage? Successful cheating is not nearly as damaging to all involved than divorce in many cases. It's never the preferred choice but sometimes, it's the best choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Of course there are times when the couple is better off staying together. But it is disrespectful to treat your SO like an infant and refuse to allow them to make that choice with you. You will respond that it is disrespectful for that spouse to be withholding sex. Which alright I suppose given no context about why that might be I will give you. But two wrongs don't make a right, we learn that in kindergarten.

Make that choice with you? What choice would the spouse who no longer wants sex make with you? That person has already made their choice. When you don't want sex, lack of sex is not a problem. How many of those spouses do you realistically think would then be fine with an open marriage?

Anonymous wrote:
People do not 'deserve' a healthy sex life, I don't know what you mean by that. People want a healthy sex life and in a marriage have a reasonable expectation of a healthy sex life. But you are not entitled to one.

I strongly disagree. Want it, expect it, had every reason to believe they would continue to enjoy it. How are those any different? Even it a person doesn't "deserve" it, don't get hing up on that word while acknowledging their "reasonable expectation." That isn't a strong enough term? Everyone who gets married has reasonable expectations about a lot of things that can become big problems when those expectations are no longer met.

Anonymous wrote:
I don't have a problem with a marriage where one person gives the other person permission to have an open sex life,

Oh bless your heart.

Anonymous wrote:but choosing to do so behind their back removes their choice and that is, hands down, unequivocally wrong.

Wait, huh? Who removed their choice in this matter? I'll give people credit for knowing in advance their no good can come from asking for an open marriage. But what of those who are brave enough to ask (very few), and are told no (almost all-especially if it's the wife asking)? What is OK then, short of divorce?

Anonymous wrote:
I think it is amusing this re framing of cheating into this martyrdom where the cheater is taking this risk in order to keep the marriage happy and intact despite the other spouse being selfish and unfeeling. The cheater is not a martyr. The cheater is a dishonest coward afraid to chart their life in a moral and respectful way.

It's moral and respectful to your young spouse to deny them sex? Isn't that the ultimate definition of, selfish and unfeeling? I didn't say a cheater is a martyr and I'm not even their prime motivation is to save the marriage. The motivation is to avail themselves of some kind of normal physical touch with another adult and often times, that decision is made with a heavy heart, not lightly, after some years of being denied and after every possible solution has been exhausted. Again, lack of sex in a marriage is NOT a problem for the couple, it's only a problem for the one being denied. The one who no longer wants sex only has a problem with being asked for sex when they don't want to do it. Until one day, the asking stops.

If you want to know if the spouse you are denying is cheating, ask yourself if anything has changed about them bringing the subject up. Did your spouse seem to finally just give in and join you in an otherwise blissfully happy, but sexless marriage? Have they finally stopped bringing it up, and/or acting bitter and hurt about it? Does he/she suddenly seem calmer and more content? You know, like someone with a normal sex life? If so, be grateful they they found the solution you refused to work with them on when they were begging you. You truly owe their AP for stepping up where you refused.

Any improvement in marital relations once the denied spouse knows they can have some level of regular sex again is just a byproduct of the affair that benefits both partners. The flip side of asking for an open marriage is just taking what would never be granted by asking and keeping quiet about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren't cheaters afraid of STDs and giving an STD to a loyal spouse? And no, condoms don't protect you from everything. Bacteria and viruses get transmitted in all mucous areas.
I think giving an STD to a loyal spouse should be punishable by law.

There was a thread when someone gave their spouse an STD that turned into cervical cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren't cheaters afraid of STDs and giving an STD to a loyal spouse? And no, condoms don't protect you from everything. Bacteria and viruses get transmitted in all mucous areas.
I think giving an STD to a loyal spouse should be punishable by law.

Oh you do, huh? A person who does not have sex with their spouse has no chance of catching anything. As for cheaters, they are adults who can figure out how to take precautions against STDs. Why would you think otherwise?