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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Serious question. Can you see any situation where a couple may be better off staying together, at least for some period of time, while one cheats, instead of divorcing?  And please, stop with the, "just ask for an open marriage," crap.  To be certain, almost no spouse is going to agree to that and most know not to ask for the trouble it would cause.

It sounds so simplistic to just say, if things are bad, start the divorce process, then separation of a year, then divorce, then an appropriate healing period, then date.  Do everything in the right order.  Sorry, but life doesn't always work in an orderly fashion.  People deserve a healthy sex life, for example.  When one partner makes the unilateral decision that, within the marriage, sex has now ended for both, what is the other to do?  Have they not been cheated out of one of the best parts of an adult relationship?  is THAT OK?

Is divorcing and breaking up the marriage and family always the best answer?  Is remaining sexless, angry, and bitter towards your spouse in the prime of your life a good solution?  Is there no situation where getting what is missing a better choice, enabling the partner to be happy and fulfilled by the rest of his/her marriage?  Successful cheating is not nearly as damaging to all involved than divorce in many cases.  It's never the preferred choice but sometimes, it's the best choice.[/quote]
[quote=Anonymous]
[quote=Anonymous]
Of course there are times when the couple is better off staying together. But it is disrespectful to treat your SO like an infant and refuse to [b]allow them to make that choice with you.[/b] You will respond that it is disrespectful for that spouse to be withholding sex. Which alright I suppose given no context about why that might be I will give you. But two wrongs don't make a right, we learn that in kindergarten.[/quote]

Make that choice with you?  What choice would the spouse who no longer wants sex make with you?  That person has already made their choice.  When you don't want sex, lack of sex is not a problem.  How many of those spouses do you realistically think would then be fine with an open marriage?

[quote=Anonymous]
[b]People do not 'deserve' a healthy sex life[/b], I don't know what you mean by that. People [i]want[/i] a healthy sex life and in a marriage have a [i]reasonable expectation[/i] of a healthy sex life. But you are not entitled to one.[/quote]

I strongly disagree.  Want it, expect it, had every reason to believe they would continue to enjoy it. How are those any different?  Even it a person doesn't "deserve" it, don't get hing up on that word while acknowledging their "reasonable expectation."  That isn't a strong enough term?  Everyone who gets married has reasonable expectations about a lot of things that can become big problems when those expectations are no longer met.

[quote=Anonymous]
I don't have a problem with a marriage where one person gives the other person permission to have an open sex life, 
[/quote]  Oh bless your heart.
[quote=Anonymous]but choosing to do so behind their back removes their choice and that is, hands down, unequivocally wrong. [/quote]
Wait, huh?  Who removed their choice in this matter?  I'll give people credit for knowing in advance their no good can come from asking for an open marriage.  But what of those who are brave enough to ask (very few), and are told no (almost all-especially if it's the wife asking)?  What is OK then, short of divorce?
[quote=Anonymous]
I think it is amusing this re framing of cheating into this martyrdom where the cheater is taking this risk in order to keep the marriage happy and intact despite the other spouse being selfish and unfeeling. The cheater is not a martyr. The cheater is a dishonest coward afraid to chart their life in a moral and respectful way.[/quote]
It's moral and respectful to your young spouse to deny them sex?  Isn't that the ultimate definition of, selfish and unfeeling?  I didn't say a cheater is a martyr and I'm not even their prime motivation is to save the marriage.  The motivation is to avail themselves of some kind of normal physical touch with another adult and often times, that decision is made with a heavy heart, not lightly, after some years of being denied and after every possible solution has been exhausted.  Again, lack of sex in a marriage is NOT a problem for the couple, it's only a problem for the one being denied.  The one who no longer wants sex only has a problem with being asked for sex when they don't want to do it. Until one day, the asking stops.

If you want to know if the spouse you are denying is cheating, ask yourself if anything has changed about them bringing the subject up.  Did your spouse seem to finally just give in and join you in an otherwise blissfully happy, but sexless marriage?  Have they finally stopped bringing it up, and/or acting bitter and hurt about it?  Does he/she suddenly seem calmer and more content?  You know, like someone with a normal sex life?  If so, be grateful they they found the solution you refused to work with them on when they were begging you.  You truly owe their AP for stepping up where you refused.

Any improvement in marital relations once the denied spouse knows they can have some level of regular sex again is just a byproduct of the affair that benefits both partners.  The flip side of asking for an open marriage is just taking what would never be granted by asking and keeping quiet about it. 
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