Teen party - drop off etiquette!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't anyone trust their teens. I have a junior and she is perfectly capable of judging whether a situation is safe, legal, and smart, and knows how to deal accordingly. At what age are you all going to finally start expecting your kids to be responsible and allowing them to do so.

HUGE difference between a 13 year old and a 16 year old.

[Anonymous]

I think half of the responders yelling, 'helicopter' are actually kids who found the board. Saying a 2 minute 'hello' to the parents is not a burden to someone hosting a party and is just good sense. It's not about whether or not you trust your own kid. It's about the fact that the families hosting parties may have very different values/expectations than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I trust my kids to make the right choices and to call me if anything feels uncomfortable or is off. In fact, I trust my kids more than I trust some parents.

That said, all teenagers will make poor descisions. I was once a teenager and I fully remember how easy it can be to go along with your freinds. So my kids know that if they make a bad decision (to get drunk lets say) but call me before they compound that bad decision further, the consequences will be relatively light.

+1

In some communities, people know who the alarmist whackadoo parents are, and those parents lose credibility by their own doing. Why trust people who gossip and fear monger? My teen knows better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You email the parent to ask if you can bring something.

But no, I really don't want to turn a basement party with 6 girls into 5-6 helicopters coming in to talk and ruin my weekend night of Netflixing and wine with my husband

Most parents what to know what is going on in a home and if their kids are safe. No reason not to reach out before the party or at drop off. Your netflix and getting drunk can wait till all the kids arrive. If I knew you were too busy to check in on the kids every once in a while as getting drunk was your priority I would not want my kid over there.

Are you serious PP? You would walk up to the door of a young teen party and expect to come in and talk to the host parents? That is not helicoptering, that is psychotic coddling. Your child would be mortified. The person said to reach out prior to party. No need to invite yourself, or ask how often they will check, or make sure the mom isn't having a glass of wine and equating that with a drunk. Just wow!

Not the PP, but I agree. if I haven’t met you and my teen will be under your care for the next 4-5 hours I want to put a face with a name. Your opinion about my decision to do so is irrelevant. I don’t base my parenting decisions on scoring cool points with my teen or other parents.

Sadly your child is missing out. Parents don't want high maintenance helicopters around so she isn't on many invite lists. You need to cut the umbilical cord. Knowing everyone of your child's friends parents is not normal.

Nope but nice try. If only you knew what parents are saying about YOU![/quote]

Not the PP here, but this type of parent is NOT trustworthy with my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't anyone trust their teens. I have a junior and she is perfectly capable of judging whether a situation is safe, legal, and smart, and knows how to deal accordingly. At what age are you all going to finally start expecting your kids to be responsible and allowing them to do so.

Trust but verify. No teen has fully-developed judgment and all teens are influenced by peers. No teen has sufficient life experience to navigate every tough situation well.

This is my script: "Hi, Jane? This is Larla's mom, and I understand from her that your DD Susy is having a party on Saturday. Thanks so much for hosting! I'm just calling to check in and make sure that you and/or your husband will be home while the kids are there. Also, can Larla contribute anything? I'd be happy to make some brownies to send with her."

I don't care if my teen is embarrassed. My job is to keep her safe. So far, mission accomplished.

[Anonymous]

^^^PP here.

When my kids have friends over, I don't focus on wine and Netflix. I might have a glass of wine, and I might watch TV, but mostly I will be in and out of the family room, refilling glasses and snacks and "going to the laundry room" to get clean clothes out of the dryer. They don't know when I might be popping in.

If you are "home" but not present when you have a big group of teens in your house, you are doing it wrong. I once spotted a situation like that and turned right back around and took DD home. Hours later, cops showed up and citations were issued.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I dropped off my child at a Friend's party. I've never met the friend or her parents. The friend was at the door, greeted my daughter and told me the pick up time.
I hung around for a minute, expecting to see a parent and say Hello. No one came by, it was kind of awkward. I guess I could have asked if there was an adult in the house and introduced myself.
A couple of other girls came at the same time, so I left. I was uncomfortable the whole time, texted my DD to make sure there were parents in the house. It was a good party, she had a good time.
Again at pick up time, I rang the door bell and was asked to wait outside while my daughter was fetched. No Hellos, no pleasantries. All the girls were 13/14 year olds!
I just wasn't ready for these cold drop-offs! Missing the ES days, where parents were invited in, we talked about our kids.

How can I have handled this better so I am more comfortable next time? Should I insist on introducing myself to the parents or should I try and be more cool? I dont know how to be cool, when I'm agonizing about this. I'd hate for her to miss out parties because I'm anxious.
Teen parenting is hard Don't other parents want to know who their kid is friends with? Am I so old-fashioned?

OP, I'm with you. I definitely walked all of our 13, 14, 15 year-olds to the door, went inside and met the parents. In fact, all of the parents were there in the foyer all the time. It doesn't matter if it was an informal kid's birthday, homecoming or other school event, etc., the parents (or at least one of them) was always at the door. Sounds like the parents of your child's friends missed the mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't anyone trust their teens. I have a junior and she is perfectly capable of judging whether a situation is safe, legal, and smart, and knows how to deal accordingly. At what age are you all going to finally start expecting your kids to be responsible and allowing them to do so.

HUGE difference between a 13 year old and a 16 year old.

Yup - my comments here have been in the context of my 13 year old. I'm not going to the door with my 16 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think half of the responders yelling, 'helicopter' are actually kids who found the board. Saying a 2 minute 'hello' to the parents is not a burden to someone hosting a party and is just good sense. It's not about whether or not you trust your own kid. It's about the fact that the families hosting parties may have very different values/expectations than you do.

+1 Especially because I have seen that ALL of the parents of my children's friends are doing the same thing. We are ALL walking up to the home, going in and meeting the parents. Most of them are even exchanging cell phone numbers and email addresses with the host parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ask if a parent will be there before giving permission and then insist on meeting the parent when I drop my child off.

How old is your kid?

DS had several mini parties while in HS. Occasionally and always the parent of a girl, a parent would come to the door and want to meet me to make sure a parent was home. No problem with that!

[Anonymous]

Always ok dropping off once in HS, but I got a little suspicious one time when I dropped off and everyone was going in the back door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't anyone trust their teens. I have a junior and she is perfectly capable of judging whether a situation is safe, legal, and smart, and knows how to deal accordingly. At what age are you all going to finally start expecting your kids to be responsible and allowing them to do so.

Trust but verify. No teen has fully-developed judgment and all teens are influenced by peers. No teen has sufficient life experience to navigate every tough situation well.

This is my script: "Hi, Jane? This is Larla's mom, and I understand from her that your DD Susy is having a party on Saturday. Thanks so much for hosting! I'm just calling to check in and make sure that you and/or your husband will be home while the kids are there. Also, can Larla contribute anything? I'd be happy to make some brownies to send with her."

I don't care if my teen is embarrassed. My job is to keep her safe. So far, mission accomplished.

This is great - I totally agree with this. What I don't understand (I have seen it - in the most judgy area you would expect) are the moms (dads too) who are hell bent on judging other parents and other children. As if they know their child is prone to issues, and they re trying to head off any blame. Well gee, since you judged first - any idea why your child is prone to trouble? Maybe because you try to parent other people more than you pay attention in your own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think half of the responders yelling, 'helicopter' are actually kids who found the board. Saying a 2 minute 'hello' to the parents is not a burden to someone hosting a party and is just good sense. It's not about whether or not you trust your own kid. It's about the fact that the families hosting parties may have very different values/expectations than you do.

+1 Especially because I have seen that ALL of the parents of my children's friends are doing the same thing. We are ALL walking up to the home, going in and meeting the parents. Most of them are even exchanging cell phone numbers and email addresses with the host parents.

DP here. I agree with this. What I don't agree with is certain parents cornering other parents who look different than them (but the different parents look the same as the host) - questioning about the host parents. "Geesus, I don't know what your concerns are, specifically - how about asking the host parents yourself, you prejudiced, gossipy, drama laden, PITA?!" Just because we have the same skin doesn't mean we all know each other intimately, or came from the same GD island. FFS. Go question and judge elsewhere. Better yet, you stick to your kid, I'll stick to mine.

[Anonymous]

Clearly someone on this thread is touchy because your hyperbole about parents Judging/gossiping about you or making you parent a certain type of way is coming from left field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly someone on this thread is touchy because your hyperbole about parents Judging/gossiping about you or making you parent a certain type of way is coming from left field.

It is an example, not hyperbole. Calm down.