DH doesn’t want to spend time with my family and was rude about it

[Anonymous]

Both OP and DH sound immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope none of you people doling out your love like it's a finite resource don't try and call yourselves Christians.

I don't. I'm Hindu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Well I thought people may be more supportive, I guess not.

It’s very hurtful to have someone completely uninterested in spending any time with my family. He tells me he wants children and his interest will shift when he has his own child, and maybe he will be more interested in spending time with my family then.

A couple days have blown over since our last discussion about this, I asked him if he wanted to visit my niece to see her in his Halloween costume to which he said flat out “No.”

No explanation. Nothing. He’d rather sit on the couch and be anti-social all the time. I told him I was upset about this, and he told me I was free to go. To which he followed up with this giant bomb:

“If you wanted or expected me to want to spend as much time with your family as you do, you shouldn’t have married me.”

Now we’re not speaking.

Op, your expectations are not reasonable. You married your husband. He is your primary family now, not your parents or siblings. Consider some marriage counseling. DCUM can be a very negative place sometimes, but trust us when we say that you are expecting too much from your dh, and you are not being reasonable here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Well I thought people may be more supportive, I guess not.

It’s very hurtful to have someone completely uninterested in spending any time with my family. He tells me he wants children and his interest will shift when he has his own child, and maybe he will be more interested in spending time with my family then.

A couple days have blown over since our last discussion about this, I asked him if he wanted to visit my niece to see her in his Halloween costume to which he said flat out “No.”

No explanation. Nothing. He’d rather sit on the couch and be anti-social all the time. I told him I was upset about this, and he told me I was free to go. To which he followed up with this giant bomb:

“If you wanted or expected me to want to spend as much time with your family as you do, you shouldn’t have married me.”

Now we’re not speaking.

Why are you trying to change him? You’ve had about 70% of the folks say it is normal for a childless man to not want to spend lots of time around his BIL’s young children and for him to feel closer to his siblings children. Is having your husband excited about going out to see your 4 year old niece in a Halloween costume the hill you want to die on for your marriage? He isn’t that guy that is going to be excited about spending lots of time with your family. If you need that type of guy to be happy, your DH isn’t the guy for you.

If I were you husband I would be upset with you because you ask him a question like he has a choice and when he answers honestly you get pissed off and want to pressure him to agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry Op but I’m on your Dh’s side as well. How many adult men are jumping at the fact go see any little kid in their costume unless it’s their own kid. My DH loves his nephew but I doubt a drive to see him in costume would be on his list of to do’s. A cute picture would suffice for him. You are being unreasonable.

I also love my DH’s Family very much but I too get overwhelmed when my weekends are constantly planned around them. Out of 4 weekends in a month, I don’t expect at all that I will have to spend 3 with them. It just isn’t fair.

Lastly, enough with the kid pressure. It will only make things harder if you push it on him. Taking kids around him will not make him want kids. It will just remind him just how huge of a responsibility they are. Think. Think, think and don’t be selfish and for goodness sake do not share what he said with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Well I thought people may be more supportive, I guess not.

It’s very hurtful to have someone completely uninterested in spending any time with my family. He tells me he wants children and his interest will shift when he has his own child, and maybe he will be more interested in spending time with my family then.

A couple days have blown over since our last discussion about this, I asked him if he wanted to visit my niece to see her in his Halloween costume to which he said flat out “No.”

No explanation. Nothing. He’d rather sit on the couch and be anti-social all the time. I told him I was upset about this, and he told me I was free to go. To which he followed up with this giant bomb:

“If you wanted or expected me to want to spend as much time with your family as you do, you shouldn’t have married me.”

Now we’re not speaking.

The problem is not that he doesn't want to spend time with your family. The problem is that you've abused his good will. Spending time with your family once or twice a month is already generous on his part. You've made it every week and you don't seem to get the notion that you're spending way too much time with your family. If you need to spend this much time with your family, you're not ready to be married. You're trying to merge him into your existing family instead of building a new family with him. That's not normal. It happens in some ethnic families, but it's not so common in American families. I understand. I'm American-born Chinese and I've seen many immigrant families who try to do this, but it happens much less frequently in American-born generations.

You need to give him a break. Try spending at most two occasions a month with your family and spending the rest building a family with your spouse rather than trying to drag him into your family of origin and you might find your relationship improving. If not, let him go, because you really don't sound like you are ready to be married.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the script was flipped, and the OP was writing about a wife who didn't want to see her husband's niece in costume.. if people would be as understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if the script was flipped, and the OP was writing about a wife who didn't want to see her husband's niece in costume.. if people would be as understanding.

PP here. I do think there is an element of gender as in you would be more likely to find a woman that would want to see her husband’s niece in costume than a man. That said, the issue at hand is one of respect and being willing to put the other person first some of the time. If the husband “joked” that seeing his niece would make his wife want to have kids to her own and wife responded that she spent 2 of the past 3 weekends with his family and wanted to spend time with just the two of them - I would give the same advice. You have someone that doesn’t naturally want to do xyz, already has gone out of their way to support spouse anyway for two weekends, and when person that has sucked it up asks for the same consideration back the spouse that has gotten their way thus far pitches a fit and wants it 100% their way.

If there is something you feel you cannot comprise on, you don’t marry someone who isn’t 100% in agreement. It could be if I feel I need to be in church every week with my spouse beside me, I’m setting myself up for unhappiness marrying someone that considers it being supportive to go with me once a month. There is no compromise that would make me happy other than the other person always giving in to me which would make that person resentful and unhappy.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are married with no children. What plans do you make with your husband? Why is spending all your free time with your family the default? Why aren’t you making your own couple plans? You couldn’t go out together for Halloween, or hosted a small couples party? Do you two have any fun together? I think your husband was serious with the “why did you marry me” quip. Figure out how to be a couple within your young marriage, stop running off to your family or you’re going to find yourself divorced. I think your husband is having serious questions about whether he wants to stay married to you. And maybe you both are poorly suited. You should be able to enjoy your family and expect him to join in some and genuinely be ok with it.

[Anonymous]

OP, your perspective is skewed. You already said he'd been there frequently for family things, and had done nice things for your family. You push it too far. Now you've rephrased it as if he refuses to have anything to do with your family, which is not the reality. You just don't respect his limits or his wishes.

You're too immature and enmeshed in your family to be married to anyone but a man who'll trot along like a trained dog behind you.

Marriage is about compromise and being able to see and respect the other person's point of view. It seems that he compromises, but you don't. Your marriage is going to be a failure if you don't learn this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope none of you people doling out your love like it's a finite resource don't try and call yourselves Christians.

If you think that Christians are any more loving and tolerant than any other group of people, you are quite delusional.

Amen!

[Anonymous]

God OP, pretty much everyone here has told you the same thing - that you're being unreasonable, and you've accused this board of being unsupportive of you. When your DH doesn't want to visit your family every weekend, he's rude.

No wonder he is sick of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Well I thought people may be more supportive, I guess not.

Let's see if addressing your comments individually will help the answers sink in. The DCUM peanut gallery is supportive that you want to spend some time with your family. The problem is that you have taken this to an abnormal extreme. Unless your husband is in agreement with you, spending more than one or two weekends a month is unreasonable and demanding on your part.

It’s very hurtful to have someone completely uninterested in spending any time with my family. He tells me he wants children and his interest will shift when he has his own child, and maybe he will be more interested in spending time with my family then.

Again you are taking this to an unreasonable exreme. He is not "completely uninterested in spending any time with your family". He has already spent time with your family, as much as he is willing to spend, and you think he should spend more. You need to grow up and learn that family relationships evolve. You are still stuck in the high school frame of mind that you do everything with your family. While that may be acceptable when you are young and single, you are now older and married. You made a commitment to your husband which you are not keeping up. You are dragging him into your family of origin, but you aren't building a family or relationship with him.

A couple days have blown over since our last discussion about this, I asked him if he wanted to visit my niece to see her in his Halloween costume to which he said flat out “No.”

So, you've pushed him with overexposure to your family to the point where he's argued with you over it and your response is "ready to spend more time with my family?" How about this. Schedule two weekends a month interacting with your husband without your family around. Make that the norm. If you spend two weekends in a month with your family, then decline further invitations until the next month. That's a more normal response than "hey, are you finally over it? let's go spend more time with my family!". You need to learn some empathy and compassion because right now, you aren't showing much.

No explanation. Nothing. He’d rather sit on the couch and be anti-social all the time. I told him I was upset about this, and he told me I was free to go. To which he followed up with this giant bomb:

“If you wanted or expected me to want to spend as much time with your family as you do, you shouldn’t have married me.”

Now we’re not speaking.

Well, he's right. You aren't willing to grow up and move out from your family. You aren't ready to make a new family with your husband because you are still too tied up to your original family. If you can't loosen up and learn to spend more time with your husband without your family, then it would be best if you let him go so that he can find someone who is interested in spending time with him. You are much too invested in your family to be married.