DH doesn’t want to spend time with my family and was rude about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His response regarding the niece would bother me, especially if I planned on having children in the future. My favorite uncle was, and still is, the husband of my Aunt. He is the best, treated us as blood relatives, and my cousins and I still visit him and love him dearly now that my Aunt is deceased. My husband is also very fond of my nieces, who he first met when they were toddlers. I probably wouldn't have married him if he had acted cold or indifferent towards them.

It sounds like it's possible that OP is one of those women who married someone who was clear that he didn't want kids and is hoping to change his mind. I have never seen that work out the way the woman wants.

[Anonymous]

You’re in the wrong here. And it sounds like he’s sick of you pressuring him to have a kid. You need to back off with the constant kid and family stuff.

[Anonymous]

Does he not want to have a baby? That's an issue you two will need to address. He's not likely to change his mind.

It sort of sounds like you aren't getting your emotional needs met by your DH- including your need for children- so you spend a lot of time with your family to make up for it. That makes him want to be around even less, which you take personally and see as yet another indication he won't meet your needs, so you spend more time with your family, and the cycle continues. Are you guys having a lot of other problems? Do you feel satisfied in your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL asked to spend time with DH and I this weekend. I casually mentioned to DH how I was hoping my niece may make him want to have a baby, hoping to make him laugh I asked DH last night if he wanted to spend time with them and he said exasperatedly: “you may want to spend every weekend with your family but I do not. Also, your niece is cute but doesn’t really change anything for me nor do I feel close to her because she’s not my blood relative.”

Ouch. He then proceeded to complain that I spent last weekend away with my mom, and it was my dads birthday the week before (which he did not attend!), and how he had also made dinner for my parents that week and “that’s about all I can handle of your family.”

I really don’t know what to say and was completely taken aback. I thought he was being so rude and I feel hurt.

Yeah, I'm going to disagree with some of the previous posters on this one and say that I think your husband was pretty rude. If he doesn't want to spend time with your brother's family, that's OK, but he could have been a lot nicer about saying no. I'd be upset too.

[Anonymous]

I don't see anything rude about what he said. He was honest with you. You spend a ton of time with your family.

A lot of people don't want to spend that much time with extended family. If you needed a spouse who had the same preference as you, you should have married someone just like you.

As it is, he doesn't keep you from spending time with them, and you shouldn't keep him from doing what he wants, which is not spending as much time with them. And have a care to nurturing your relationship with your husband. Don't put your family first.

And stop trying to manipulate him into wanting kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I love my ILs and would NOT want to spend that much time with them.

Telling the truth isn't rude, OP. He told you his true feelings, without insulting your family.

+1

It’s a lot of time. Especially if he isn’t particularly close or doesn’t click with them.

Would you want to spend that much time with his family?

[Anonymous]

Op, have you posted about this situation before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL asked to spend time with DH and I this weekend. I casually mentioned to DH how I was hoping my niece may make him want to have a baby, hoping to make him laugh I asked DH last night if he wanted to spend time with them and he said exasperatedly: “you may want to spend every weekend with your family but I do not. Also, your niece is cute but doesn’t really change anything for me nor do I feel close to her because she’s not my blood relative.”

Ouch. He then proceeded to complain that I spent last weekend away with my mom, and it was my dads birthday the week before (which he did not attend!), and how he had also made dinner for my parents that week and “that’s about all I can handle of your family.”

I really don’t know what to say and was completely taken aback. I thought he was being so rude and I feel hurt.

Yeah, I'm going to disagree with some of the previous posters on this one and say that I think your husband was pretty rude. If he doesn't want to spend time with your brother's family, that's OK, but he could have been a lot nicer about saying no. I'd be upset too.

What an outstanding diversion from the underlying issue. That's healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, you are going to spend three weekends in a row with your family, plus one weeknight, and you think "that’s about all I can handle of your family" is rude? First, it isn't really (an least not as rude as he cold have been. Second, Regardless of the packaging, three weekends in a row with your family (which presumably takes time away from you as a couple) is way too much if not funny embraced by both of you (which it obviously isn't).

Probably the better response to your brother would have been, "You know, we had Dad's birthday two weekends ago, and I was out of town this week - we just need some down time this weekend." Instead of that, you not only think it's fine, but you try to wrap your husband in AND preview it for him with a "joke" (and really, it isn't a joke) pressuring him about children. You need to rethink this approach.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you were the rude one to me, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a rude thing to say that your niece would make him want to have children! Most people do not like other people's children, especially men. I have a friend like you who is always pushing other people's (including mine) kids on her husband and making him change diapers and stuff. It's painful to watch and he looks so demeaned.

To this PP, this 'friend' of yours makes her DH change random kids' diapers? For real? Why would he do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand that hurt your feelings and I'm sorry, OP. But that is a LOT of time with your family.

And as someone that's childfree (not a man), I don't really enjoy spending time with other's children, especially their babies. Is your DH vocal about wanting to remain childfree?

DH, is surprisingly enthusiastic around nieces and nephews from his side of the family. He bought early Xmas presents and birthday presents for them during our last visit because he knew we would not be coming for Christmas. He will hold the babies and play with the kids.

But my brothers child? He’s not interested and does the bare minimum to interact with her when we’re visiting.

Do you think he resents how much time you spend with your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand that hurt your feelings and I'm sorry, OP. But that is a LOT of time with your family.

And as someone that's childfree (not a man), I don't really enjoy spending time with other's children, especially their babies. Is your DH vocal about wanting to remain childfree?

This. Maybe you two need to talk about why he's not ready for kids instead of pushing your niece on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand that hurt your feelings and I'm sorry, OP. But that is a LOT of time with your family.

And as someone that's childfree (not a man), I don't really enjoy spending time with other's children, especially their babies. Is your DH vocal about wanting to remain childfree?

DH, is surprisingly enthusiastic around nieces and nephews from his side of the family. He bought early Xmas presents and birthday presents for them during our last visit because he knew we would not be coming for Christmas. He will hold the babies and play with the kids.

But my brothers child? He’s not interested and does the bare minimum to interact with her when we’re visiting.

So what? She isn't his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand that hurt your feelings and I'm sorry, OP. But that is a LOT of time with your family.

And as someone that's childfree (not a man), I don't really enjoy spending time with other's children, especially their babies. Is your DH vocal about wanting to remain childfree?

This. Maybe you two need to talk about why he's not ready for kids instead of pushing your niece on him.

Why is wanting kids like some default setting and those who don't want kids have to justify their decisions? How about the other way round? OP sounds like the kind of person who romanticizes babies and kids w/o being aware of their impact on one's mental health and finances lol.