DH doesn’t want to spend time with my family and was rude about it

[Anonymous]

My brother and SIL asked to spend time with DH and I this weekend. I casually mentioned to DH how I was hoping my niece may make him want to have a baby, hoping to make him laugh I asked DH last night if he wanted to spend time with them and he said exasperatedly: “you may want to spend every weekend with your family but I do not. Also, your niece is cute but doesn’t really change anything for me nor do I feel close to her because she’s not my blood relative.”

Ouch. He then proceeded to complain that I spent last weekend away with my mom, and it was my dads birthday the week before (which he did not attend!), and how he had also made dinner for my parents that week and “that’s about all I can handle of your family.”

I really don’t know what to say and was completely taken aback. I thought he was being so rude and I feel hurt.

[Anonymous]

Well to be honesty it looks like YOUR family is taking up a lot of your non working hours. Im on his side on this one. And yes…to a childless man… a baby does not make things exciting.

[Anonymous]

I love my ILs and would NOT want to spend that much time with them.

Telling the truth isn't rude, OP. He told you his true feelings, without insulting your family.

[Anonymous]

I wouldnt want to spend that many weekends with my inlaws either.

[Anonymous]

What a rude thing to say that your niece would make him want to have children! Most people do not like other people's children, especially men. I have a friend like you who is always pushing other people's (including mine) kids on her husband and making him change diapers and stuff. It's painful to watch and he looks so demeaned.

[Anonymous]

Three weekends in a row is a lot of in-law time. Even if he didn't go to your dad's bday that means your weekends have been all your family all the time for a while, and he's probably just had his fill. He was rude about it but if he's not rude in general I would take the outburst as a sign that he hit his limit, not that he hates your family.

We live closer to my DH's family so we both get this in different ways -- sometimes we'll go to his cousin's kids' bday parties 3 weeks in a row and I'm just missing some quiet downtime of my own, but when we go to my sister's house for Christmas 5 states away I know he's dying to leave by the last day. We both love each other's family! But sometimes enough is enough and you just want to be alone/with your own side of the family/ with just your spouse.

I might say "hey next time you're getting too much face time with my family please let me know before you get angry about it, you kind of blindsided me with that rant and hurt my feelings."

[Anonymous]

I can understand that hurt your feelings and I'm sorry, OP. But that is a LOT of time with your family.

And as someone that's childfree (not a man), I don't really enjoy spending time with other's children, especially their babies. Is your DH vocal about wanting to remain childfree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL asked to spend time with DH and I this weekend. I casually mentioned to DH how I was hoping my niece may make him want to have a baby, hoping to make him laugh I asked DH last night if he wanted to spend time with them and he said exasperatedly: “you may want to spend every weekend with your family but I do not. Also, your niece is cute but doesn’t really change anything for me nor do I feel close to her because she’s not my blood relative.”

Ouch. He then proceeded to complain that I spent last weekend away with my mom, and it was my dads birthday the week before (which he did not attend!), and how he had also made dinner for my parents that week and “that’s about all I can handle of your family.”

I really don’t know what to say and was completely taken aback. I thought he was being so rude and I feel hurt.

I agree that he was being a bit rude, but he sounds frustrated that spending time with your family has been such a focus these last few weeks. He needs a break and he wants to spend time with you. Even if he didn't go to your dad's birthday party and wasn't there with your mom last weekend, *you* have been choosing to spend time with them instead of him. Now it sounds like you are also pressuring him to have a baby, despite him saying that he does not want to have one. Listen to what he's telling you, OP, instead of being angry about how he communicated it. The rudeness is a very, very small issue.

[Anonymous]

If you guys are not on the same page about whether or when to have a baby, address that directly, not through little games and indirect statements about your niece.

[Anonymous]

I would say the same thing. My own family exhausts me, I couldn't deal with having my SO's in my life every week in some way - even tangentially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you guys are not on the same page about whether or when to have a baby, address that directly, not through little games and indirect statements about your niece.

THIS!!! I really hate when women go about family planning this way. Its insulting to the male and just not productive. Everyone can see through it too.

[Anonymous]

Wait, you are going to spend three weekends in a row with your family, plus one weeknight, and you think "that’s about all I can handle of your family" is rude? First, it isn't really (an least not as rude as he cold have been. Second, Regardless of the packaging, three weekends in a row with your family (which presumably takes time away from you as a couple) is way too much if not funny embraced by both of you (which it obviously isn't).

Probably the better response to your brother would have been, "You know, we had Dad's birthday two weekends ago, and I was out of town this week - we just need some down time this weekend." Instead of that, you not only think it's fine, but you try to wrap your husband in AND preview it for him with a "joke" (and really, it isn't a joke) pressuring him about children. You need to rethink this approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand that hurt your feelings and I'm sorry, OP. But that is a LOT of time with your family.

And as someone that's childfree (not a man), I don't really enjoy spending time with other's children, especially their babies. Is your DH vocal about wanting to remain childfree?

DH, is surprisingly enthusiastic around nieces and nephews from his side of the family. He bought early Xmas presents and birthday presents for them during our last visit because he knew we would not be coming for Christmas. He will hold the babies and play with the kids.

But my brothers child? He’s not interested and does the bare minimum to interact with her when we’re visiting.

[Anonymous]

His response regarding the niece would bother me, especially if I planned on having children in the future. My favorite uncle was, and still is, the husband of my Aunt. He is the best, treated us as blood relatives, and my cousins and I still visit him and love him dearly now that my Aunt is deceased. My husband is also very fond of my nieces, who he first met when they were toddlers. I probably wouldn't have married him if he had acted cold or indifferent towards them.

[Anonymous]

I would never want to spend that much time with my ILs and wouldn’t ask DH to spend that much time with my family. Also, spending time with other people’s kids made me want to tie my tubes myself before we had a child of our own.