DH withdraws when upset, then when he re-engages, I'm mad

[Anonymous]

Women think they need to "fix" what's broken... From guys' perspective, you are just wearing them out. Even water drips can carve the stone over time.

[Anonymous]

He does this because women view as someone who is open about their problems or comes to them with problems as weak. Men have to process things on their own or risk losing their wife's/gf's respect.

Studies show men aren't attracted to sensitive men
http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167214543879

So you're not going to find many who will talk about their feelings...and if you do find one chances are you'll probably cheat on him

Society scorns men who complain. Men are also more action oriented. They want to solve problems not talk. This is why when things emotionally arouse then they disengage and leave. It's a queue to physical action.

Some guys don’t express feelings well through words, but they express them through actions. They show up. They take responsibility.


You need to decide whether you can deal with it or not. He shouldn't have to apologize or change to fit your needs.

[Anonymous]

Men, you can go on and on about how men "are," and it may be that you were conditioned to be that way, but if you are shitting all over someone, that you were conditioned to shit all over them doesn't make it okay to keep doing it. At a certain point you need to take responsibility for your own crap behavior and commit to changing it, not expect the rest of the world to tiptoe around your shit and your fragile ego.

There's a reason why women initiate something like 70% of all divorces. It's because you make excuses for yourselves like we've seen all over this thread, and your wives decide you're not worth it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men, you can go on and on about how men "are," and it may be that you were conditioned to be that way, but if you are shitting all over someone, that you were conditioned to shit all over them doesn't make it okay to keep doing it. At a certain point you need to take responsibility for your own crap behavior and commit to changing it, not expect the rest of the world to tiptoe around your shit and your fragile ego.

There's a reason why women initiate something like 70% of all divorces. It's because you make excuses for yourselves like we've seen all over this thread, and your wives decide you're not worth it anymore.

And those men are saved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men, you can go on and on about how men "are," and it may be that you were conditioned to be that way, but if you are shitting all over someone, that you were conditioned to shit all over them doesn't make it okay to keep doing it. At a certain point you need to take responsibility for your own crap behavior and commit to changing it, not expect the rest of the world to tiptoe around your shit and your fragile ego.

There's a reason why women initiate something like 70% of all divorces. It's because you make excuses for yourselves like we've seen all over this thread, and your wives decide you're not worth it anymore.

And those men are saved!

Why, are men too weak and fearful to file for divorce themselves if they're unhappy? How pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy. I feel bad for OP's husband. Hope he divorces OP.

Why?

male here

because whenever he engages with her he gets anger/resentment/yelling back

why would any sane male want to engage with that

This seems overstated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men, you can go on and on about how men "are," and it may be that you were conditioned to be that way, but if you are shitting all over someone, that you were conditioned to shit all over them doesn't make it okay to keep doing it. At a certain point you need to take responsibility for your own crap behavior and commit to changing it, not expect the rest of the world to tiptoe around your shit and your fragile ego.

There's a reason why women initiate something like 70% of all divorces. It's because you make excuses for yourselves like we've seen all over this thread, and your wives decide you're not worth it anymore.

And those men are saved!

Why, are men too weak and fearful to file for divorce themselves if they're unhappy? How pathetic.

What an idiotic come back!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men, you can go on and on about how men "are," and it may be that you were conditioned to be that way, but if you are shitting all over someone, that you were conditioned to shit all over them doesn't make it okay to keep doing it. At a certain point you need to take responsibility for your own crap behavior and commit to changing it, not expect the rest of the world to tiptoe around your shit and your fragile ego.

There's a reason why women initiate something like 70% of all divorces. It's because you make excuses for yourselves like we've seen all over this thread, and your wives decide you're not worth it anymore.

And those men are saved!

Why, are men too weak and fearful to file for divorce themselves if they're unhappy? How pathetic.

What an idiotic come back!!

Aw, did it hurt your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, it's silent treatment. He basically hasn't spoken to me since Monday night. I don't exist to him right now. Doesn't respond when I speak. Yesterday I sent a few normal emails on logistical planning matters (unrelated to our "talk", just stuff that needs to get done) and no response.

Okay, that's not okay. I tend to withdraw, too, but it doesn't mean the silent treatment. It means I need some time to process; I don't hide out in the bedroom, I just do stuff alone (which might include doing the dishes). But the silent treatment is childish and mean. Tell him it's fine to take some time to process big emotions or issues, but in the meantime, normal life has to go on and he can't ignore someone who lives in the same house.

A lot of introverts do this. OP, is your DH an introvert?

Even if he was, that doesn't explain the silent treatment. That's not cool, and introversion is no excuse.

There's nothing to "excuse" him about. That's the way he is wired. I am sure OP knew it before she got married.

What? Nothing to "excuse" him for? So, because he is wired this way, he can go on ignoring his kids, and house and chores because he is mad? It is not just silent treatment anymore he is giving OP, he is not not doing anything because he is mad. Let's go with a scenario where the same behavior is how OP is wired. Then she does nothing and gives him the silent treatment and the kids are left what? Falling off the staircase, hungry, wet, left home alone? Because according to you introversion, silent treatment and not doing your parental duty is the way people are wired to act like mad? Yet, another lazy person excusing lazy behavior and making "excuses" for men.

You know what, which is it? Are men all cavemen who feel that when his wife is mad at him, it is an insult to his provider ability? Or are they all wimps when their "female" is angry who only prove it that they are not good at providing anything? Pick one, you can't have both at the same time. He is mad that he thinks that she thinks he is a loser, and then he is proving to her just how big of a loser he is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men, you can go on and on about how men "are," and it may be that you were conditioned to be that way, but if you are shitting all over someone, that you were conditioned to shit all over them doesn't make it okay to keep doing it. At a certain point you need to take responsibility for your own crap behavior and commit to changing it, not expect the rest of the world to tiptoe around your shit and your fragile ego.

There's a reason why women initiate something like 70% of all divorces. It's because you make excuses for yourselves like we've seen all over this thread, and your wives decide you're not worth it anymore.

And those men are saved!

Why, are men too weak and fearful to file for divorce themselves if they're unhappy? How pathetic.

What an idiotic come back!!

Aw, did it hurt your feelings?

LOL. No. You just bore me. Low IQ, low class for sure.

[Anonymous]

Dr Sue Johnson's Emotionally-Focused Therapy for couples is based on attachment research that shows that most couples follow the OP's cycle - she pursues, he withdraws, repeat, repeat, repeat. There are excellent books on this approach and many incredible EFT-trained therapists in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Here is this scenario, I am wired to want a lot of quiet time. I am a woman. I am wired to want to watch Netflix all day long. I can't help it, it is just the WAY I am. So, I will not work, or clean, or cook, or care that some pesky baby is crying and dying all day long upstairs. I am wired that way, you see, I am not a bad person, I am not a bad mom, right?
I am just WIRED that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male here let me describe what usually happens with me and my DW (I think this is pretty common) I'll give the male POV

Wife wants to discuss something (fine)

She discusses the first thing which then quickly becomes multiple things which then quickly becomes nagging from my POV

I have a couple options

1. Defend myself (this just escalates the discussion and turns it into an argument which isnt productive)

2. Do nothing (get treated like a doormat which isn't good)

3. Withdraw (the best option here)

After withdrawing we can circle back in a day or so as long as we just focus ON ONE THING..... Pro tip usually it isn't really the thing thats the issue its something else

OP why are you mad when your husband reengages?

+1 from another guy

OR 4. Try to see things from her perspective and show some empathy.

I know this from experience. As soon as I started approaching any argument with my husband immediately with "how might he see things? What might his perspective be here?" everything changed for us. Those are not your only options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men, you can go on and on about how men "are," and it may be that you were conditioned to be that way, but if you are shitting all over someone, that you were conditioned to shit all over them doesn't make it okay to keep doing it. At a certain point you need to take responsibility for your own crap behavior and commit to changing it, not expect the rest of the world to tiptoe around your shit and your fragile ego.

There's a reason why women initiate something like 70% of all divorces. It's because you make excuses for yourselves like we've seen all over this thread, and your wives decide you're not worth it anymore.

And those men are saved!

Why, are men too weak and fearful to file for divorce themselves if they're unhappy? How pathetic.

What an idiotic come back!!

Aw, did it hurt your feelings?

LOL. No. You just bore me. Low IQ, low class for sure.

I sure struck a nerve there.

[Anonymous]

Good lord PP. Grow up.