DH withdraws when upset, then when he re-engages, I'm mad
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Anonymous
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I think it's something that happens a lot for women. We need to feel we're heard. When we don't feel heard, we get resentful, angry, lonely, frustrated, and anxious.
When someone withdraws, and then never comes back and maturely talk and try to resolve things, they shut us down. It's one thing to be a type of person who needs to back away and calm down and think before talking. It's another thing entirely to use this as a tool to control and shut the other person down so you don't have to deal with things. After years of that destructive pattern where he'd always be avoiding everything and everyone was miserable, my husband and I worked out a system where he states when he has to withdraw to calm down and think, and he verbally affirms that we'll talk and work through the issue as soon as he's calmed down. With that promise and his following through, I can do my part and calmly wait. |
Anonymous
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The original post needs a translation:
My DH withdraws after we fight and that makes me mad. How can I change him so that he agrees with me during a fight and totally does what I want as soon as the fight is over. |
Anonymous
I'm a woman, and I agree. Why is YOUR way of conflict resolution any better than his? No one is wrong, but no one is right. Including you. You want him to respect what you need, but don't want to do the same for him. |
Anonymous
| Big issue? You both did ok? So not a fight? He is giving you the silent treatment? If it is not a fight, why the silent treatment. I am reading this as him being petulant and immature. I don't understand this withdraws behavior, can you explain better? |
Anonymous
+100 Basically he needs this time to come to terms with the fact that this is his lot in life. YOU. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Yes, it's silent treatment. He basically hasn't spoken to me since Monday night. I don't exist to him right now. Doesn't respond when I speak. Yesterday I sent a few normal emails on logistical planning matters (unrelated to our "talk", just stuff that needs to get done) and no response. |
Anonymous
| Just tell him to grow up and stop acting like a teen. That is what your next fight should be about. Unless you cheated, or did something divorce worthy, he needs to grow up. |
Anonymous
| The silent treatment is considered to be emotionally abusive and manipulative. Google "silent treatment." It's unacceptable. Maybe you two could work on changing your dynamics with a counselor. |
Anonymous
No. |
Anonymous
| I am pp who asked to clarify if it is silent treatment. I wanted to add that this is something young people do who grew up with parents who did this to them or to their spouse. It is abusive and makes the kids feel terrible and scared in their own house. I grew up with both mom and dad doing this on and off. Your DH might have grown up with such parents, and thinks this is the way to deal with arguments. Anyway, you need to tell him that you will not put up with it anymore. I made a vow to myself never to do it to my kids and I don't, 10 minutes after an argument, even if they are giving me the silent treatment,(they are teens though), I tell them that no matter what I will always talk to them, and we might be mad at each other but we move on and act normal within 10 minutes. |
Anonymous
Okay, that's not okay. I tend to withdraw, too, but it doesn't mean the silent treatment. It means I need some time to process; I don't hide out in the bedroom, I just do stuff alone (which might include doing the dishes). But the silent treatment is childish and mean. Tell him it's fine to take some time to process big emotions or issues, but in the meantime, normal life has to go on and he can't ignore someone who lives in the same house. |
Anonymous
A lot of introverts do this. OP, is your DH an introvert? |
Anonymous
This, OP. He is using a defensive mechanism he cannot recognize he's using. A third party can possibly help him see that, whereas if you bring it up, he may only get more defensive. Possibly his upbringing taught him avoidance will keep him from being hurt or help him hide from responsibility. That's down to his family of origin but it affects your marriage, here and now. Present the idea of couples counseling as a positive, a tool for you both--and be sure you're clear that you want to work on your own issues (resentment) so he knows you are not trying to get a counselor to say you're right and he's wrong. If he thinks that's all that counseling is about, he will resist it. |
Anonymous
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Male here let me describe what usually happens with me and my DW (I think this is pretty common) I'll give the male POV
Wife wants to discuss something (fine) She discusses the first thing which then quickly becomes multiple things which then quickly becomes nagging from my POV I have a couple options 1. Defend myself (this just escalates the discussion and turns it into an argument which isnt productive) 2. Do nothing (get treated like a doormat which isn't good) 3. Withdraw (the best option here) After withdrawing we can circle back in a day or so as long as we just focus ON ONE THING..... Pro tip usually it isn't really the thing thats the issue its something else OP why are you mad when your husband reengages? |
Anonymous
Not OP. So does withdraw mean silent treatment to you too? |