DH withdraws when upset, then when he re-engages, I'm mad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP and I could have written this post. When DH withdraws (currently on Day 2 of current pattern), it is the loneliest time. As it drags on, i keep busy doing the homework help/dishes/laundry and then get resentful that he is up in bed avoiding the family interactions. We all walk on eggs shells in this stage. I just get so very sad during these times. Then when he snaps out it, i will try discussing it but am always at the risk of losing him for a few more days.

PP, that sounds like possible depression. He retreats to bed to avoid you (and kids--?)? That's not how functioning adults act and sounds different from what OP describes though it's hard to tell. I would absolutely work on getting him evaluated if he is so easily overwhelmed. You see a pattern of this -- listen to what that pattern is telling you. You may have to be very tough and upset him but you need to get him evaluated. "Losing him" to his bed for days is way beyond having a DH who withdraws by not discussing some tough topic but who is still physically present and interacting.

[Anonymous]

Read the book "How to fix your marriage without talking about it." Great explanation about why men shut down like this and women get resentful toward them. Here is a synopsis article by the author to get you started:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200811/the-fear-shame-dynamic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male here let me describe what usually happens with me and my DW (I think this is pretty common) I'll give the male POV

Wife wants to discuss something (fine)

She discusses the first thing which then quickly becomes multiple things which then quickly becomes nagging from my POV

I have a couple options

1. Defend myself (this just escalates the discussion and turns it into an argument which isnt productive)

2. Do nothing (get treated like a doormat which isn't good)

3. Withdraw (the best option here)

After withdrawing we can circle back in a day or so as long as we just focus ON ONE THING..... Pro tip usually it isn't really the thing thats the issue its something else

OP why are you mad when your husband reengages?

+1 from another guy

[Anonymous]

I don't understand needing a "tough talk". I've been married 30+ years and it's just not something we do. Weekly we might have a few words spoken in a bad tone. Maybe we apologize, sometimes we don't. We always, rather immediately, normalize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the book "How to fix your marriage without talking about it." Great explanation about why men shut down like this and women get resentful toward them. Here is a synopsis article by the author to get you started:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200811/the-fear-shame-dynamic

Oh, please!! Another clueless male acting like a cavemen and making excuses. Utter rubbish! We are far removed from animals, and in many predatory animals, females are the hunters and providers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book "How to fix your marriage without talking about it." Great explanation about why men shut down like this and women get resentful toward them. Here is a synopsis article by the author to get you started:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200811/the-fear-shame-dynamic

Oh, please!! Another clueless male acting like a cavemen and making excuses. Utter rubbish! We are far removed from animals, and in many predatory animals, females are the hunters and providers.

This!!

This is the attitude that breaks up the marriages.

[Anonymous]

Are all men as cognitively impaired as the two posting above? She is mad because she has just been exposed to emotional equivalent of a beating for days!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male here let me describe what usually happens with me and my DW (I think this is pretty common) I'll give the male POV

Wife wants to discuss something (fine)

She discusses the first thing which then quickly becomes multiple things which then quickly becomes nagging from my POV

I have a couple options

1. Defend myself (this just escalates the discussion and turns it into an argument which isnt productive)

2. Do nothing (get treated like a doormat which isn't good)

3. Withdraw (the best option here)

After withdrawing we can circle back in a day or so as long as we just focus ON ONE THING..... Pro tip usually it isn't really the thing thats the issue its something else

OP why are you mad when your husband reengages?

+1 from another guy

OP said that when DH re-engages they do not talk about the original issue at hand like you do, and further said that when when DH withdraws he gives her the silent treatment. So DH withdraws from interacting with her completely, and then "re-engages" into interacting with her but acts like the original issue never happened. That pattern would be upsetting for me. Nothing is ever fully addressed or resolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are all men as cognitively impaired as the two posting above? She is mad because she has just been exposed to emotional equivalent of a beating for days!

Because in prior situations she is treating him like crap/angry when he does reengage so therefore he is choosing not to reengage at all

What do you expect to have happen

-male

OP reengage calmly on one topic and have a mature adult discussion. It's going to take time to repair the relationship between you two

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The silent treatment is considered to be emotionally abusive and manipulative. Google "silent treatment." It's unacceptable. Maybe you two could work on changing your dynamics with a counselor.

06:56 here, I agree with this. I could understand if he was just a little quiet for a day or two after a fight but was talking, engaging in family life, etc., but there's not excuse for the silent treatment. That's not processing, it's punishment. If he can't see that on his own, I agree that seeing a marriage counselor would be a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male here let me describe what usually happens with me and my DW (I think this is pretty common) I'll give the male POV

Wife wants to discuss something (fine)

She discusses the first thing which then quickly becomes multiple things which then quickly becomes nagging from my POV

I have a couple options

1. Defend myself (this just escalates the discussion and turns it into an argument which isnt productive)

2. Do nothing (get treated like a doormat which isn't good)

3. Withdraw (the best option here)

After withdrawing we can circle back in a day or so as long as we just focus ON ONE THING..... Pro tip usually it isn't really the thing thats the issue its something else

OP why are you mad when your husband reengages?

+1 from another guy

OP said that when DH re-engages they do not talk about the original issue at hand like you do, and further said that when when DH withdraws he gives her the silent treatment. So DH withdraws from interacting with her completely, and then "re-engages" into interacting with her but acts like the original issue never happened. That pattern would be upsetting for me. Nothing is ever fully addressed or resolved.

Yeah that's not cool you don't get a get out of jail free card. They both have work to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are all men as cognitively impaired as the two posting above? She is mad because she has just been exposed to emotional equivalent of a beating for days!

Because in prior situations she is treating him like crap/angry when he does reengage so therefore he is choosing not to reengage at all

What do you expect to have happen

-male

OP reengage calmly on one topic and have a mature adult discussion. It's going to take time to repair the relationship between you two

You are projecting your own stuff onto this. There is nothing in OP's post that says she treats him like crap, and it's entirely normal appropriate to get angry with someone who gives you the silent treatment for days. That you are similarly emotionally dysfunctional to OP's DH doesn't make your behavior healthy or appropriate, nor does it make it something OP should have to tolerate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The silent treatment is considered to be emotionally abusive and manipulative. Google "silent treatment." It's unacceptable. Maybe you two could work on changing your dynamics with a counselor.

06:56 here, I agree with this. I could understand if he was just a little quiet for a day or two after a fight but was talking, engaging in family life, etc., but there's not excuse for the silent treatment. That's not processing, it's punishment. If he can't see that on his own, I agree that seeing a marriage counselor would be a good idea.

They are obviously punishing each other. He's so angry he's refusing to engage at all, and she's angry about his refusal to engage that she's carrying it forward into their next disagreement (her anger is understandable, but then figure out how to resolve it rather than holding a grudge). I think they're equal parties to this unhealthy pattern and agree counseling would be a good step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are all men as cognitively impaired as the two posting above? She is mad because she has just been exposed to emotional equivalent of a beating for days!

Because in prior situations she is treating him like crap/angry when he does reengage so therefore he is choosing not to reengage at all

What do you expect to have happen

-male

OP reengage calmly on one topic and have a mature adult discussion. It's going to take time to repair the relationship between you two

Projecting much?

[Anonymous]

The silent treatment is never ok. I am a little concerned that you first described it as just "withdrawing," like maybe you think the silent treatment is not that big a deal. You don't want your kids to learn that it's ok for people to treat each other that way. Op, if your DH won't go to counseling with you I think you should go by yourself.