DH withdraws when upset, then when he re-engages, I'm mad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is this scenario, I am wired to want a lot of quiet time. I am a woman. I am wired to want to watch Netflix all day long. I can't help it, it is just the WAY I am. So, I will not work, or clean, or cook, or care that some pesky baby is crying and dying all day long upstairs. I am wired that way, you see, I am not a bad person, I am not a bad mom, right?
I am just WIRED that way.

Right. More power to you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, it's silent treatment. He basically hasn't spoken to me since Monday night. I don't exist to him right now. Doesn't respond when I speak. Yesterday I sent a few normal emails on logistical planning matters (unrelated to our "talk", just stuff that needs to get done) and no response.

Okay, that's not okay. I tend to withdraw, too, but it doesn't mean the silent treatment. It means I need some time to process; I don't hide out in the bedroom, I just do stuff alone (which might include doing the dishes). But the silent treatment is childish and mean. Tell him it's fine to take some time to process big emotions or issues, but in the meantime, normal life has to go on and he can't ignore someone who lives in the same house.

A lot of introverts do this. OP, is your DH an introvert?

Even if he was, that doesn't explain the silent treatment. That's not cool, and introversion is no excuse.

There's nothing to "excuse" him about. That's the way he is wired. I am sure OP knew it before she got married.

No one is "wired" to give others the silent treatment. That has nothing to do with being introverted. Introversion means you need time alone to recharge, process stuff, etc. It does not mean that you ignore your spouse when she talks to you.

[Anonymous]

So what I gathered from the OP and comments is the talk went decently enough or so you thought and now he's not speaking to you since the conversation. If this is a pattern that happens a lot, have you ever considered seeking some sort of communication counseling or marriage counseling on how to resolve conflict? That would be my first step. Praying you guys figure things out. ((Hugs))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice for how to break the cycle? When a big issue comes up and we discuss, DH tends to be overwhelmed and withdraw. Yesterday we had a tough talk. It wasn't nasty and I think we both did OK, but he's since withdrawn completely.

On one hand, I understand. He needs time to process.

However, now I'm starting to get mad. If past pattern holds, he'll re-appear and act as if nothing happened. I guess I'm supposed to act as if no time has passed and everything is OK?

So you understand why he backs off, but that is not how you want him to behave so it is his fault. Have you ever wondered how he perceives it all, my try to see it from his side before you fix the problem the way you want it fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Withdrawing from conflict is a healthy pattern.

Being resentful after conflict is an unhealthy pattern.

You own the unhealthy portion of the pattern, so don't be resentful.

Ask when would you like to finish the discussion and it can be as mush as 30 minutes later and no more than2 hours later unless somebody need to go find facts (like cost, timing, etc).

Set a time to finish the discussion.

No.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Withdrawing from conflict is a healthy pattern.

Being resentful after conflict is an unhealthy pattern.

You own the unhealthy portion of the pattern, so don't be resentful.

Ask when would you like to finish the discussion and it can be as mush as 30 minutes later and no more than2 hours later unless somebody need to go find facts (like cost, timing, etc).

Set a time to finish the discussion.

No.

Yes.

Conflict is not always "bad". It's necessary sometimes. There are healthy ways to engage the conflict, and running away from that is dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

He's being immature and avoiding solving the real issue.
Now he is being passive aggressive and punishing you with is silent treatment.
He needs to learn how to RESOLVE CONFLICTS. Ignoring them, brushing them under the rug, or attacking you for bringing them up does not improve the situation or solve the issue. It causes the situation to worsen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, it's silent treatment. He basically hasn't spoken to me since Monday night. I don't exist to him right now. Doesn't respond when I speak. Yesterday I sent a few normal emails on logistical planning matters (unrelated to our "talk", just stuff that needs to get done) and no response.

Okay, that's not okay. I tend to withdraw, too, but it doesn't mean the silent treatment. It means I need some time to process; I don't hide out in the bedroom, I just do stuff alone (which might include doing the dishes). But the silent treatment is childish and mean. Tell him it's fine to take some time to process big emotions or issues, but in the meantime, normal life has to go on and he can't ignore someone who lives in the same house.

A lot of introverts do this. OP, is your DH an introvert?

Even if he was, that doesn't explain the silent treatment. That's not cool, and introversion is no excuse.

There's nothing to "excuse" him about. That's the way he is wired. I am sure OP knew it before she got married.

No one is "wired" to give others the silent treatment. That has nothing to do with being introverted. Introversion means you need time alone to recharge, process stuff, etc. It does not mean that you ignore your spouse when she talks to you.

RIght, the silent treatment is something he likely learned and was effective back in his childhood. His parents perpetuated such misbehavior and poor communication, and may have even modeled the same amongst their supposed adult spouse-spouse relationship. Get counseling if he does not circle back and finish the conversation. Right now he is acting like a big baby. And no one wants decades of that. Or kids that start seeing it and doing it as well.

[Anonymous]

No wonder women like this site, the man is always the one at fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No wonder women like this site, the man is always the one at fault.

In this instance, he's 100% at fault.
Signed,
Reformed silent treatment giver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No wonder women like this site, the man is always the one at fault.

It's the best men bashing site ever!!!