DH withdraws when upset, then when he re-engages, I'm mad
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Anonymous
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Advice for how to break the cycle? When a big issue comes up and we discuss, DH tends to be overwhelmed and withdraw. Yesterday we had a tough talk. It wasn't nasty and I think we both did OK, but he's since withdrawn completely.
On one hand, I understand. He needs time to process. However, now I'm starting to get mad. If past pattern holds, he'll re-appear and act as if nothing happened. I guess I'm supposed to act as if no time has passed and everything is OK? |
Anonymous
| "DH, I can back off and give you space when there is something tough to deal with, but I also need you to be involved in fixing it after you take that space. It doesn't work otherwise." |
Anonymous
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It is completely normal to have resentment build up when the issue never gets resolved.
Your husband definitely needs to learn new communication techniques in order for you + him to hash things out. Maybe a counselor w/couples communication issues can assist. |
Anonymous
| *experience |
Anonymous
| When he re engages, bring it up, just as you would have. He's probably hoping that by the time he comes back to you, you'll have forgotten about it or just be so relieved he's acting normally that you don't actually force him to talk about the issues. Don't let him pull that... |
Anonymous
| Once he comes back, do you see the impact of your big discussion, or any progress? Or is it like the talk never happened? |
Anonymous
| Go read "Men are from Mars". Classic male pattern. |
Anonymous
I wonder why people on this website struggle with the simplest communication? Why yiu even had to give this commin sense advice in the first place baffles me. |
Anonymous
| I'm not clear on exactly what you're mad about. It sounds like you were able to have the tough conversation and he didn't refuse to engage with you on that, is that correct? And you know that after tough conversations he needs to withdraw a bit to process it, and that it's not about you or him trying to hurt you? So what is he doing that's making you mad? Is he giving you the silent treatment? Disappearing for extended periods of time he'd otherwise be home? Punishing you in some other way? Will the period of withdrawal drag out for significantly more than 24 hours? |
Anonymous
| Yeah bring it up and have another fight. That's gonna go well. |
Anonymous
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Withdrawing from conflict is a healthy pattern.
Being resentful after conflict is an unhealthy pattern. You own the unhealthy portion of the pattern, so don't be resentful. Ask when would you like to finish the discussion and it can be as mush as 30 minutes later and no more than2 hours later unless somebody need to go find facts (like cost, timing, etc). Set a time to finish the discussion. |
Anonymous
| Why is OP's DH wouldn't have/finish the tough conversation? OP said, "Yesterday we had a tough talk. It wasn't nasty and I think both did OK[.]" |
Anonymous
Gah, accidentally deleted part of my text. That should have been "Why is everyone assuming OP's DH wouldn't have/finish the tough conversation?" There's a big difference between someone who withdraws instead of engaging in the conversation, and someone who needs some time to process the tough conversation after it's done. |
Anonymous
| Yeah, we need more info. What do you mean by withdraw? |
Anonymous
| NP and I could have written this post. When DH withdraws (currently on Day 2 of current pattern), it is the loneliest time. As it drags on, i keep busy doing the homework help/dishes/laundry and then get resentful that he is up in bed avoiding the family interactions. We all walk on eggs shells in this stage. I just get so very sad during these times. Then when he snaps out it, i will try discussing it but am always at the risk of losing him for a few more days. |