DH withdraws when upset, then when he re-engages, I'm mad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the book "How to fix your marriage without talking about it." Great explanation about why men shut down like this and women get resentful toward them. Here is a synopsis article by the author to get you started:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200811/the-fear-shame-dynamic

OP here. Thank you for sharing this. This does seem to be a dynamic with us. DH has admitted to crumbling and withdrawing because when I ask for something different than what he's doing, he takes it as "you are a failure." I have worked to phrase things positively and sometimes it works, but this last situation is back to old patterns.

Someone asked why I'm mad when he re-engages. I feel like I don't have a choice but to keep functioning even when I'm upset--as a PP noted, taking care of the kids, doing well at work, taking care of logistics, etc. He checks out. Then at some point he comes back "online" and wants to pretend that nothing happened. Meanwhile, I have been taking care of the things that piled up while he's out of it. He performs at work during these times but comes home and gets completely lost in something of his choosing (yesterday it was the Apple announcement). What would happen if we both checked out? I would love the luxury of tuning out everyone else's needs and reading a book or whatever. I do some of that, but I don't let the important stuff fall through the cracks.

So when he comes back around and starts nosing around for sex or to pick up where we left off, I am frustrated.

Someone else asked if he's an introvert. Yes.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately I have spent the last two sleepless nights thinking through this very topic. Generally I am a strong, independent woman who has just barely been able to manage the career and primary parent to teens but this dilemma just weakens me to the core.

Things have been great for a few weeks at least. Then we were bantering a bit and he said my teasing was "mocking" and the party was over. Then it turned into the big deal of him doing everything for the family and getting nothing back... That is what he has apparently been pondering during his quiet times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book "How to fix your marriage without talking about it." Great explanation about why men shut down like this and women get resentful toward them. Here is a synopsis article by the author to get you started:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200811/the-fear-shame-dynamic

OP here. Thank you for sharing this. This does seem to be a dynamic with us. DH has admitted to crumbling and withdrawing because when I ask for something different than what he's doing, he takes it as "you are a failure." I have worked to phrase things positively and sometimes it works, but this last situation is back to old patterns.

Someone asked why I'm mad when he re-engages. I feel like I don't have a choice but to keep functioning even when I'm upset--as a PP noted, taking care of the kids, doing well at work, taking care of logistics, etc. He checks out. Then at some point he comes back "online" and wants to pretend that nothing happened. Meanwhile, I have been taking care of the things that piled up while he's out of it. He performs at work during these times but comes home and gets completely lost in something of his choosing (yesterday it was the Apple announcement). What would happen if we both checked out? I would love the luxury of tuning out everyone else's needs and reading a book or whatever. I do some of that, but I don't let the important stuff fall through the cracks.

So when he comes back around and starts nosing around for sex or to pick up where we left off, I am frustrated.

Someone else asked if he's an introvert. Yes.

Taking time to calm down during a heated argument or discussion is perfectly fine. Not resolving the original issue and sweeping everything under the rug is not okay. And checking out from home/childcare responsibilities is not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book "How to fix your marriage without talking about it." Great explanation about why men shut down like this and women get resentful toward them. Here is a synopsis article by the author to get you started:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200811/the-fear-shame-dynamic

OP here. Thank you for sharing this. This does seem to be a dynamic with us. DH has admitted to crumbling and withdrawing because when I ask for something different than what he's doing, he takes it as "you are a failure." I have worked to phrase things positively and sometimes it works, but this last situation is back to old patterns.

Someone asked why I'm mad when he re-engages. I feel like I don't have a choice but to keep functioning even when I'm upset--as a PP noted, taking care of the kids, doing well at work, taking care of logistics, etc. He checks out. Then at some point he comes back "online" and wants to pretend that nothing happened. Meanwhile, I have been taking care of the things that piled up while he's out of it. He performs at work during these times but comes home and gets completely lost in something of his choosing (yesterday it was the Apple announcement). What would happen if we both checked out? I would love the luxury of tuning out everyone else's needs and reading a book or whatever. I do some of that, but I don't let the important stuff fall through the cracks.

So when he comes back around and starts nosing around for sex or to pick up where we left off, I am frustrated.

Someone else asked if he's an introvert. Yes.

Male again here

First yall bitching to me about her being angry I told you

Back to the more important stuff, OP this has been a longterm slide and its going to take effort from BOTH parties to fix it.

That's key does your husband want to fix this issue/situation

You are going to have to be encouraging and pleasant to get him to come back on board and pull his weight again. This didn't happen overnight. At the same time you can call him out on being disengaged that's not fair to you. Working TOGETHER figure out how to get him more engaged in things.

Good luck to you it can get better

[Anonymous]

How's the sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How's the sex?

He withdraws and re-engages and OP gets mad.

- not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice for how to break the cycle? When a big issue comes up and we discuss, DH tends to be overwhelmed and withdraw. Yesterday we had a tough talk. It wasn't nasty and I think we both did OK, but he's since withdrawn completely.

On one hand, I understand. He needs time to process.

However, now I'm starting to get mad. If past pattern holds, he'll re-appear and act as if nothing happened. I guess I'm supposed to act as if no time has passed and everything is OK?

You are not alone and that kind of approach is genderless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, it's silent treatment. He basically hasn't spoken to me since Monday night. I don't exist to him right now. Doesn't respond when I speak. Yesterday I sent a few normal emails on logistical planning matters (unrelated to our "talk", just stuff that needs to get done) and no response.

Okay, that's not okay. I tend to withdraw, too, but it doesn't mean the silent treatment. It means I need some time to process; I don't hide out in the bedroom, I just do stuff alone (which might include doing the dishes). But the silent treatment is childish and mean. Tell him it's fine to take some time to process big emotions or issues, but in the meantime, normal life has to go on and he can't ignore someone who lives in the same house.

A lot of introverts do this. OP, is your DH an introvert?

Even if he was, that doesn't explain the silent treatment. That's not cool, and introversion is no excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, it's silent treatment. He basically hasn't spoken to me since Monday night. I don't exist to him right now. Doesn't respond when I speak. Yesterday I sent a few normal emails on logistical planning matters (unrelated to our "talk", just stuff that needs to get done) and no response.

Okay, that's not okay. I tend to withdraw, too, but it doesn't mean the silent treatment. It means I need some time to process; I don't hide out in the bedroom, I just do stuff alone (which might include doing the dishes). But the silent treatment is childish and mean. Tell him it's fine to take some time to process big emotions or issues, but in the meantime, normal life has to go on and he can't ignore someone who lives in the same house.

A lot of introverts do this. OP, is your DH an introvert?

Even if he was, that doesn't explain the silent treatment. That's not cool, and introversion is no excuse.

There's nothing to "excuse" him about. That's the way he is wired. I am sure OP knew it before she got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, it's silent treatment. He basically hasn't spoken to me since Monday night. I don't exist to him right now. Doesn't respond when I speak. Yesterday I sent a few normal emails on logistical planning matters (unrelated to our "talk", just stuff that needs to get done) and no response.

Okay, that's not okay. I tend to withdraw, too, but it doesn't mean the silent treatment. It means I need some time to process; I don't hide out in the bedroom, I just do stuff alone (which might include doing the dishes). But the silent treatment is childish and mean. Tell him it's fine to take some time to process big emotions or issues, but in the meantime, normal life has to go on and he can't ignore someone who lives in the same house.

A lot of introverts do this. OP, is your DH an introvert?

Even if he was, that doesn't explain the silent treatment. That's not cool, and introversion is no excuse.

There's nothing to "excuse" him about. That's the way he is wired. I am sure OP knew it before she got married.

What's the relevance of this? That if you marry someone knowing their faults, they are to be accepted as-is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, it's silent treatment. He basically hasn't spoken to me since Monday night. I don't exist to him right now. Doesn't respond when I speak. Yesterday I sent a few normal emails on logistical planning matters (unrelated to our "talk", just stuff that needs to get done) and no response.

Okay, that's not okay. I tend to withdraw, too, but it doesn't mean the silent treatment. It means I need some time to process; I don't hide out in the bedroom, I just do stuff alone (which might include doing the dishes). But the silent treatment is childish and mean. Tell him it's fine to take some time to process big emotions or issues, but in the meantime, normal life has to go on and he can't ignore someone who lives in the same house.

A lot of introverts do this. OP, is your DH an introvert?

Even if he was, that doesn't explain the silent treatment. That's not cool, and introversion is no excuse.

There's nothing to "excuse" him about. That's the way he is wired. I am sure OP knew it before she got married.

Being an introvert means you gain energy from being alone and find it tiring to interact with people. It does NOT mean you are wired to give your family members the silent treatment.

[Anonymous]

Poor guy. I feel bad for OP's husband. Hope he divorces OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy. I feel bad for OP's husband. Hope he divorces OP.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy. I feel bad for OP's husband. Hope he divorces OP.

Why?

male here

because whenever he engages with her he gets anger/resentment/yelling back

why would any sane male want to engage with that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book "How to fix your marriage without talking about it." Great explanation about why men shut down like this and women get resentful toward them. Here is a synopsis article by the author to get you started:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200811/the-fear-shame-dynamic

OP here. Thank you for sharing this. This does seem to be a dynamic with us. DH has admitted to crumbling and withdrawing because when I ask for something different than what he's doing, he takes it as "you are a failure." I have worked to phrase things positively and sometimes it works, but this last situation is back to old patterns.

Someone asked why I'm mad when he re-engages. I feel like I don't have a choice but to keep functioning even when I'm upset--as a PP noted, taking care of the kids, doing well at work, taking care of logistics, etc. He checks out. Then at some point he comes back "online" and wants to pretend that nothing happened. Meanwhile, I have been taking care of the things that piled up while he's out of it. He performs at work during these times but comes home and gets completely lost in something of his choosing (yesterday it was the Apple announcement). What would happen if we both checked out? I would love the luxury of tuning out everyone else's needs and reading a book or whatever. I do some of that, but I don't let the important stuff fall through the cracks.

So when he comes back around and starts nosing around for sex or to pick up where we left off, I am frustrated.

Someone else asked if he's an introvert. Yes.

Male again here

First yall bitching to me about her being angry I told you

Back to the more important stuff, OP this has been a longterm slide and its going to take effort from BOTH parties to fix it.

That's key does your husband want to fix this issue/situation

You are going to have to be encouraging and pleasant to get him to come back on board and pull his weight again. This didn't happen overnight. At the same time you can call him out on being disengaged that's not fair to you. Working TOGETHER figure out how to get him more engaged in things.

Good luck to you it can get better

I'm the pp who posted the article. I agree with this entire response, and would add that your frustration with him is totally understandable - it's just not resolving anything. I think you're going to have to offer him an olive branch. Try to tell him you feel really badly about these disagreements, neither of you is perfect, and you now see that even though you're not trying to the talks are making him feel like he's failing at x, y, z. Say a bunch of stuff to build him up and reassure him. If he still acts like a dick, then it's probably time for counseling.

FWIW I had a talk with my DH like this when we were in the same kind of pattern and things improved a lot. He was immediately willing to see things through my perspective after I took the first step to see things through his. We still have disagreements but they don't get to that level, and as another pp said, we both apologize almost immediately afterward (sometimes he even apologizes first!). Still working on the sex...sounds like you guys have that covered, though!