Pre-Teen is resentful of how much I work

[Anonymous]

Posters here are crazy - OP is saying she works long hours and has difficulty accommodating frivolous requests for last-minutes changes in schedule.

You're all raising spoiled brats if you think OP should bend over backwards to fulfill all these capricious whims.

[Anonymous]

What do you do if one of your kids is sick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've set your priorities, and she knows where she falls. I'm also curious to know where the other parent is in this, and why that parent can't do these things for her. After all, if you're working those kinds of hours, you sure as hell had better be sufficiently well compensated to afford a second car so that everyone else in the family isn't held hostage to your work schedule.

This. I hope you start to recognize this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Posters here are crazy - OP is saying she works long hours and has difficulty accommodating frivolous requests for last-minutes changes in schedule.

You're all raising spoiled brats if you think OP should bend over backwards to fulfill all these capricious whims.

I don't think anyone here is saying OP should bend over backwards to fulfill every capricious whims, what we're saying is that these kids should have their parents present in a way they can rely on. I don't do 7 pm Target runs either, but my kids do know that if they ask if we can go to District Taco for dinner one night this week, I will look at the calendar and figure out a night it can happen. It might not be the day they ask (although sometimes it is if that's the best day to do it), but they can count on me to make them a priority and have those evenings where I am focused on them. OP's child has told her point blank that she knows it's pointless to ask OP to spend an evening with the kids because she'll say no and work instead. And then when she came here to post about it and people offered constructive suggestions for having a better relationship with her child, OP whined some more and then disappeared.

I will not pretend I get every parenting decision right and I'm sure there are things OP does better than me, but one thing I am confident about is that my kids know they can rely on me and that I'm there for them. Can OP say the same about her relationship with her kids? If not, that's a really big problem that needs to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've set your priorities, and she knows where she falls. I'm also curious to know where the other parent is in this, and why that parent can't do these things for her. After all, if you're working those kinds of hours, you sure as hell had better be sufficiently well compensated to afford a second car so that everyone else in the family isn't held hostage to your work schedule.

This. I hope you start to recognize this.

Scale back the job.
That's what 99% of us did.
If one of us has the "BIG" job (long hours, stress, consistent evening work, and/or travel) the other one scales back to a 9-5.
I live in NW DC and almost everyone I know (about 100 families) has this arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've set your priorities, and she knows where she falls. I'm also curious to know where the other parent is in this, and why that parent can't do these things for her. After all, if you're working those kinds of hours, you sure as hell had better be sufficiently well compensated to afford a second car so that everyone else in the family isn't held hostage to your work schedule.

This. I hope you start to recognize this.

Scale back the job.
That's what 99% of us did.
If one of us has the "BIG" job (long hours, stress, consistent evening work, and/or travel) the other one scales back to a 9-5.
I live in NW DC and almost everyone I know (about 100 families) has this arrangement.

+1,000 someone needs to be the default parent or you can totally outsource with a nanny but two people both working demanding jobs without support to do the "default parent" duties is a recipe for disaster

[Anonymous]

I remember lashing out at my mom once because she had a job and I thought it wasn't fair to me. I think at that point she was still just working part-time. So, I was just being a brat.

So, while your DD may just be just trying to push your buttons by hitting on a sensitive issue...it may be worth re-evaluating how much time you should be giving your family.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. Your post makes me sad, op (I know it makes you sad, too), but equally so do the numerous responses berating you.

My two cents as a parent of tweens and a recovering workaholic law firm partner:

- it is unreasonable for your kids to expect you to drop everything for them
- tweens are unreasonable and will expect you to drop everything for them
- your tween will sometimes criticize you whichever road you choose and you have to have a thick skin

* you have to think about your own priorities, and then how best to implement them -- stop thinking about your DD's requests for a minute, and ask yourself do you think you/spouse spend enough quality time with your kids on a day to day basis (and by that, I don't mean that you need to spend hours with them during the work week, but are you attending to their basic needs, and spending at least a small time for each of them with one on one, undivided attention interactions - this can even be the 15 min as they are lying in bed, reading them a book))? if the answer is no, how can you fix that? there are lots of options, including hiring more help or cutting back work hours or adjusting work hours so that sometimes it spills onto the weekend but gives you more time during the week, or dropping a committee role at your firm, etc., and you and your spouse best know the solution for your family. if you do think you spend enough quality time with your kids, then you need to stop being held hostage by your DD's guilt trips.

[Anonymous]

You need a nanny. Preferably one with their own transportation.

We like to think we can do it all and have it all, but the reality is, we can't.

You can't give 100% at work and 100% at home at the same time.

Also, a lot of this may just be the age. 12 is a hard age for girls. I remember the mood swings my kid would have at that age and of course, I'd realize she was being a pain because of hormones, but she had no clue.

[Anonymous]

It's not the last minute run to the store that is the issue. Her comments seem to suggest that she needs/wants more time with you and is not getting it. And your schedule is evidence of that. She can't be getting what she needs.

And while I think it's great you give entirely to the kids on the weekend, running errands and to activities is not quality time with the kids.

It's time to re-evaluate, imo. I'm not trying to be unkind. I'm sure you're balancing a lot of things. But, your kids are only young once and you can't get that time back.

[Anonymous]

Your DD has every right to feel this way. She is trying to have social life too and she can't because nobody is there to take her to Chipotle with her friends, or wherever she wants/needs to go.
She is not your first priority, or the second, and that is what kids want. They want to know that they matter first and most to you. Now, so many people here are judgy of SAHPs, but the fact is kids are a lot of work, and at this age they need you even more than when they are 2,3 years old. They need you to drive them(as this is not Europe where they can take the bus or metro easily).
To put it simply, she is feeling unloved. Now, you can see why money can't buy everything.
Your daughter is right to be resentful.

[Anonymous]

the requests aren't coming until 7pm because DD doesn't see the OP until 7pm.

[Anonymous]

Everyone criticizing OP for her work choice - give it a rest. We don't know her personal circumstances. Maybe she's supporting family overseas, or was decimated by the Great Recession. Moms have a right to work.

What's going on here is totally normal behavior from a tween: they want more than you can give. Plus, OP/DH don't have enough help or haven't figured out how to organize their home life yet. OP, there's some good advice on here. You need more help! Even if that's just a phone app to help you all with school work calendars, etc. Maybe hire a babysitter for the weekend and take your daughter out for one-on-one time. Have family meeting on Sunday to figure out what needs to get done for the week. Can she carpool to some of the extra curriculars? Your tween wants to know you've made the effort for her, and organizing a ride to and from a favorite activity can be that involvement from you she's looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone criticizing OP for her work choice - give it a rest. We don't know her personal circumstances. Maybe she's supporting family overseas, or was decimated by the Great Recession. Moms have a right to work.

What's going on here is totally normal behavior from a tween: they want more than you can give. Plus, OP/DH don't have enough help or haven't figured out how to organize their home life yet. OP, there's some good advice on here. You need more help! Even if that's just a phone app to help you all with school work calendars, etc. Maybe hire a babysitter for the weekend and take your daughter out for one-on-one time. Have family meeting on Sunday to figure out what needs to get done for the week. Can she carpool to some of the extra curriculars? Your tween wants to know you've made the effort for her, and organizing a ride to and from a favorite activity can be that involvement from you she's looking for.

Carpool only works if OP's family can do their share of the carpooling, which it doesn't sound like they can with their current system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the last minute run to the store that is the issue. Her comments seem to suggest that she needs/wants more time with you and is not getting it. And your schedule is evidence of that. She can't be getting what she needs.

And while I think it's great you give entirely to the kids on the weekend, running errands and to activities is not quality time with the kids.

It's time to re-evaluate, imo. I'm not trying to be unkind. I'm sure you're balancing a lot of things. But, your kids are only young once and you can't get that time back.

Well said. Funny enough, when I drive my dd alone in the car is when she confides in me. Kids at that age need a parent to guide them. She will lose friends if they always know that she can't come over. Who is with the kids from after school until midnight?