ONS had a child - How screwed am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

This is exactly how I feel. Guy who has a child from a ONS / accidental pregnancy: ok, fine, happens. Guy who has a child he makes zero effort to see, ever, and quite blatantly does not care to know: RED FLAG

I would reject both. There's no excuse for an oops ONS baby over the age of 20. That tells me he's likely reckless with his sexual health.

You don't get points for doing what you should do ( taking care of your kid) in my book.

Birth control can fail. Would you interview every prospective partner to make sure they'd never had a ONS over the age of 20, child or no?

Not as often a people claim it was. More likely OP didn't use a condom, and just assumed she was on the pill and here we are.

I wouldn't date a man with a child. Not interested.

I think I mentioned in the OP and in the thread that this was a monumental judgment failure on a lot of fronts. No need to defend it, I admit I screwed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're looking at parenthood the wrong way. Parenthood isn't something you decide to do because it will be fun and seems nice, it's something you do *for* your child out of love for them. Having an absentee father who never even bothered to meet him/her will damage your child. Being involved will mean taking on all of the unpleasant parts of parenting and doing the hard work, but you do it because you care about being a positive influence on your child and helping them become happy, healthy people. If you're only in it for what you'll get out of it and you're not willing to do the hard, unpleasant work, you're going to be a crappy father whether you're involved or not.

I'm having a hard time reconciling your statement with the one above about me regretting it one day. If I'm neutral about the situation now I don't understand why that would change with the passage of time. Maybe I'm too analytical to grasp this but I'm giving it a shot. Another hypothetical would be if I get older and presumably get married and decide to have kids if I wanted them at a later point wouldn't I get all of these same experiences (good and bad) that way?

I understand the points others have made about being there for the kid, etc. Those seems like fairly straightforward issues and I will consider them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're looking at parenthood the wrong way. Parenthood isn't something you decide to do because it will be fun and seems nice, it's something you do *for* your child out of love for them. Having an absentee father who never even bothered to meet him/her will damage your child. Being involved will mean taking on all of the unpleasant parts of parenting and doing the hard work, but you do it because you care about being a positive influence on your child and helping them become happy, healthy people. If you're only in it for what you'll get out of it and you're not willing to do the hard, unpleasant work, you're going to be a crappy father whether you're involved or not.

I'm having a hard time reconciling your statement with the one above about me regretting it one day. If I'm neutral about the situation now I don't understand why that would change with the passage of time. Maybe I'm too analytical to grasp this but I'm giving it a shot. Another hypothetical would be if I get older and presumably get married and decide to have kids if I wanted them at a later point wouldn't I get all of these same experiences (good and bad) that way?

I understand the points others have made about being there for the kid, etc. Those seems like fairly straightforward issues and I will consider them.

OP I've been withholding judgment until now but you seem like an absolute sociopath. It might be better for the kid if you stay away and just send checks.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't maybe go so far as socioppath, but clearly there is something emotionally stunted about OP. Just send the checks and write the annual letters for when the poor kid comes looking for you. He's going to have a lot of shit to overcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're looking at parenthood the wrong way. Parenthood isn't something you decide to do because it will be fun and seems nice, it's something you do *for* your child out of love for them. Having an absentee father who never even bothered to meet him/her will damage your child. Being involved will mean taking on all of the unpleasant parts of parenting and doing the hard work, but you do it because you care about being a positive influence on your child and helping them become happy, healthy people. If you're only in it for what you'll get out of it and you're not willing to do the hard, unpleasant work, you're going to be a crappy father whether you're involved or not.

I'm having a hard time reconciling your statement with the one above about me regretting it one day. If I'm neutral about the situation now I don't understand why that would change with the passage of time. Maybe I'm too analytical to grasp this but I'm giving it a shot. Another hypothetical would be if I get older and presumably get married and decide to have kids if I wanted them at a later point wouldn't I get all of these same experiences (good and bad) that way?

I understand the points others have made about being there for the kid, etc. Those seems like fairly straightforward issues and I will consider them.

OP I've been withholding judgment until now but you seem like an absolute sociopath. It might be better for the kid if you stay away and just send checks.

I'm trying to understand all of the issues as best I can which is why I posted. It's a major decision and I'm certainly not going to make a decision one way or the other within a day but I'd like to gather as much information as possible before doing so. I'm not convinced on the "I'll regret it" point yet so I'm probing further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're looking at parenthood the wrong way. Parenthood isn't something you decide to do because it will be fun and seems nice, it's something you do *for* your child out of love for them. Having an absentee father who never even bothered to meet him/her will damage your child. Being involved will mean taking on all of the unpleasant parts of parenting and doing the hard work, but you do it because you care about being a positive influence on your child and helping them become happy, healthy people. If you're only in it for what you'll get out of it and you're not willing to do the hard, unpleasant work, you're going to be a crappy father whether you're involved or not.

I'm having a hard time reconciling your statement with the one above about me regretting it one day. If I'm neutral about the situation now I don't understand why that would change with the passage of time. Maybe I'm too analytical to grasp this but I'm giving it a shot. Another hypothetical would be if I get older and presumably get married and decide to have kids if I wanted them at a later point wouldn't I get all of these same experiences (good and bad) that way?

I understand the points others have made about being there for the kid, etc. Those seems like fairly straightforward issues and I will consider them.

OP I've been withholding judgment until now but you seem like an absolute sociopath. It might be better for the kid if you stay away and just send checks.

I'm trying to understand all of the issues as best I can which is why I posted. It's a major decision and I'm certainly not going to make a decision one way or the other within a day but I'd like to gather as much information as possible before doing so. I'm not convinced on the "I'll regret it" point yet so I'm probing further.

what exactly is the "major decision"? to reject your child or not? I think you need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

This is exactly how I feel. Guy who has a child from a ONS / accidental pregnancy: ok, fine, happens. Guy who has a child he makes zero effort to see, ever, and quite blatantly does not care to know: RED FLAG

I would reject both. There's no excuse for an oops ONS baby over the age of 20. That tells me he's likely reckless with his sexual health.

You don't get points for doing what you should do ( taking care of your kid) in my book.

I'm not saying I'd be awarding points for that. But the amount of (to use your analogy) points that would be subtracted for being a voluntarily entirely out of the picture father could not made up by literally anything that I can think of

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're looking at parenthood the wrong way. Parenthood isn't something you decide to do because it will be fun and seems nice, it's something you do *for* your child out of love for them. Having an absentee father who never even bothered to meet him/her will damage your child. Being involved will mean taking on all of the unpleasant parts of parenting and doing the hard work, but you do it because you care about being a positive influence on your child and helping them become happy, healthy people. If you're only in it for what you'll get out of it and you're not willing to do the hard, unpleasant work, you're going to be a crappy father whether you're involved or not.

I'm having a hard time reconciling your statement with the one above about me regretting it one day. If I'm neutral about the situation now I don't understand why that would change with the passage of time. Maybe I'm too analytical to grasp this but I'm giving it a shot. Another hypothetical would be if I get older and presumably get married and decide to have kids if I wanted them at a later point wouldn't I get all of these same experiences (good and bad) that way?

I understand the points others have made about being there for the kid, etc. Those seems like fairly straightforward issues and I will consider them.

OP I've been withholding judgment until now but you seem like an absolute sociopath. It might be better for the kid if you stay away and just send checks.

I'm trying to understand all of the issues as best I can which is why I posted. It's a major decision and I'm certainly not going to make a decision one way or the other within a day but I'd like to gather as much information as possible before doing so. I'm not convinced on the "I'll regret it" point yet so I'm probing further.

what exactly is the "major decision"? to reject your child or not? I think you need therapy.

+1 The completely self-centered nature of all of OP's questions is chilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're looking at parenthood the wrong way. Parenthood isn't something you decide to do because it will be fun and seems nice, it's something you do *for* your child out of love for them. Having an absentee father who never even bothered to meet him/her will damage your child. Being involved will mean taking on all of the unpleasant parts of parenting and doing the hard work, but you do it because you care about being a positive influence on your child and helping them become happy, healthy people. If you're only in it for what you'll get out of it and you're not willing to do the hard, unpleasant work, you're going to be a crappy father whether you're involved or not.

I'm having a hard time reconciling your statement with the one above about me regretting it one day. If I'm neutral about the situation now I don't understand why that would change with the passage of time. Maybe I'm too analytical to grasp this but I'm giving it a shot. Another hypothetical would be if I get older and presumably get married and decide to have kids if I wanted them at a later point wouldn't I get all of these same experiences (good and bad) that way?

I understand the points others have made about being there for the kid, etc. Those seems like fairly straightforward issues and I will consider them.

Omg what the FUCK???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

This is exactly how I feel. Guy who has a child from a ONS / accidental pregnancy: ok, fine, happens. Guy who has a child he makes zero effort to see, ever, and quite blatantly does not care to know: RED FLAG

I would reject both. There's no excuse for an oops ONS baby over the age of 20. That tells me he's likely reckless with his sexual health.

You don't get points for doing what you should do ( taking care of your kid) in my book.

I'm not saying I'd be awarding points for that. But the amount of (to use your analogy) points that would be subtracted for being a voluntarily entirely out of the picture father could not made up by literally anything that I can think of

I would agree with you on that.

[Anonymous]

Most people are thinking that a normal human reaction to biologically producing a child is that you will provide for said child and do what you can so that the kid has the best chance at a decent life given a crappy family situation. For the child's sake, it'd be sort of unimaginably cruel for you to make a unilateral decision that you're not going to even attempt to become emotionally invested.

Do you have a father who was involved in your life, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're looking at parenthood the wrong way. Parenthood isn't something you decide to do because it will be fun and seems nice, it's something you do *for* your child out of love for them. Having an absentee father who never even bothered to meet him/her will damage your child. Being involved will mean taking on all of the unpleasant parts of parenting and doing the hard work, but you do it because you care about being a positive influence on your child and helping them become happy, healthy people. If you're only in it for what you'll get out of it and you're not willing to do the hard, unpleasant work, you're going to be a crappy father whether you're involved or not.

I'm having a hard time reconciling your statement with the one above about me regretting it one day. If I'm neutral about the situation now I don't understand why that would change with the passage of time. Maybe I'm too analytical to grasp this but I'm giving it a shot. Another hypothetical would be if I get older and presumably get married and decide to have kids if I wanted them at a later point wouldn't I get all of these same experiences (good and bad) that way?

I understand the points others have made about being there for the kid, etc. Those seems like fairly straightforward issues and I will consider them.

Omg what the FUCK???

I feel like OP is on his way to being like the brother in this post http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/663233.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm trying to understand all of the issues as best I can which is why I posted. It's a major decision and I'm certainly not going to make a decision one way or the other within a day but I'd like to gather as much information as possible before doing so. I'm not convinced on the "I'll regret it" point yet so I'm probing further.

There's a kid out there that is half you with your eyes or smile or personality or whatever else. Currently this kid is getting older everyday without you, and will someday wonder why you didn't give a shit about him/her. I don't think he or she will be comforted by the fact that you didn't mean to make a baby. More likely your child will think you are a selfish a-hole. If that thought really doesn't bother you, then maybe you really won't regret it.

[Anonymous]

Sociopath, some other personality disorder, your own emotional damage from childhood, OP, there is something emotionally very wrong going on in your discussion of this. If you're actually contemplating being a part of your child's life (as opposed to pretending to contemplate to absolve yourself of guilt), I would recommend talking to a therapist before getting involved. Your mindset here could potentially do a lot of harm to your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people are thinking that a normal human reaction to biologically producing a child is that you will provide for said child and do what you can so that the kid has the best chance at a decent life given a crappy family situation. For the child's sake, it'd be sort of unimaginably cruel for you to make a unilateral decision that you're not going to even attempt to become emotionally invested.

Do you have a father who was involved in your life, OP?

Yes, my parents were married when they had me and still are. I understand the point you and others are making above regarding doing it for the benefit of the child.

The other post is getting really long but there's a few decisions to be made regarding the level of involvement. Work out visitation with her, do it through the courts? Stay here, move down there? Visit one weekend every other month, once a month or more weekends per month?

The counter-balance to this is some of the advice from my lawyer regarding visitation challenges. He told me that if she wants to fight it that it can be a very time consuming and expensive battle. For example, I mentioned that she lives a few hours from here. He said that if I go down there and she denies visitation the police won't enforce the order so I'd have to go back to court and continue going down there and trying to exercise visitation until I get a hearing date. He said that eventually the judge might do something but not until she denies visitation several times and in the meantime I have an approximately 6 hours round trip on both the times I attempt to exercise visitation and for each of the scheduling hearings and trial dates.