Would you admit you have a child on the first date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I can find it, but I read an article that basically discussed if parents of a kid(s) broke up because of divorce, the parents went out and tried to find mates right away, but if the reason that the parents found themselves single was death (widow or widowhood), the need to date was very much more limited. It's as if you feel rejected by a mate, you need to prove you are desirable - so even if you have a kid from the mating to protect, you spend a lot of time trying to find a new mate ... , but if your first mate dies in a car wreck or of cancer or such ... and leaves you with a kid to protect ... well in that case, you hunker down and protect the kid and don't worry so much about whether you have personal fulfillment with your new mate. I don't know your story, but might I suggest that you try to model your life on the latter while you have your child.... if you find a great guy in the mean time, who loves your child as much as you, so much the better. But you won't need to worry about whether and when to talk about your kid.

Interesting. Makes sense.

I don't follow advice from Cosmo.

Most humans crave intimacy and human interaction, and lots of divorced folks haven't had that in their marriages for a while. Maybe some people date to prove something but probably not the majority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*sigh* well I'm sure he'll text me tomorrow so I'll let him know I have a child. That will be the end of the date before it starts.

At this point, I would just wait until you're on the sate and casually mention something about your child. Making an announcement about it via text message seems strange. However. I think your whole attitude is off. Your child is part of your package, just like your height, weight, and eye color. Yiu can't change any of it, and it's only your perspective that thinks of it as a liability and not an asset. I you think this guy won't date you because you have a child, why even go on a date? It's a waste of time.

I'm 36 yo woman with a 9 year old son and in an amazing 2 year relationship with a man I met online. He knew I had a child before our first date. It wasn't a deal breaker. For the right guy, your child won't be a deal breaker. If this guy isn't interested, he's not the right one for you.

You're letting a man (and trolls on this board) influence your self esteem. You are a catch wuth or without a child. Start acting like one.

If we met online, I would've made it known that I have a child, but we met at work. Passed by him a few times and maybe said hello a few times before having a conversation. I didnt think he would ask me out, so I never really gave him that much information about me.

Do you realize how ridiculous you sound? You sound like a teenager. You know literally nothing about him yet you're on here acting like your child is such a burden to your dating life. Oh, you wanted this totally hot guy to ask you out? "OMG I REALLY HOPE HE LIKES MEEE!! Heehee!" Sorry honey, your child should be your first priority. NOT a burden with Mr. Quarterback that you crush on in the halls at school. Pull yourself together and ACT like the 37 year old mother that you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And PP why are you anti someone else's kids?

Not PP, but I feel the same way. I dated a man with kids (years ago-- I'm married now), and he used his kids in manipulative ways. They were a ready-made excuse. It made the relationship uneven. Add to that the fact that I knew I'd never have any say in how the kids were raised even though I'd have to deal with them.

He loved to play the "I'm a father" trump card whenever he wanted to downplay my feelings/needs/wants. I would never have asked him to choose his kids over me, but I felt like I had no say in the relationship, no place to voice my own needs or wants.

I won't say never, but I'd do my best to avoid (if I ever am single again) dating a man with kids. He definitely used his kids as an excuse to be a jerk. But it isn't just him. I've seen other situations where people definitely use their kids as a chip and use their status as "parent" as a source of self-righteousness. Just no.

[Anonymous]

I'm not acting like my child is a burden. Is it so bad that I would like to date when my child is with her father? I've been divorced for 5 years and I've just recently worked up the nerve to put myself out there to give dating a try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then they suck. You don't want them. And you don't want to waste even 15 minutes on them, or lure them, or con them into thinking they want you for even 1 or 2 or 3 dates. They are flawed and disgusting and horrid human beings who should not be around your beautiful child. How do you not see this?

I'm not trying to con anyone, I just want to be giving a fair chance. Shit, I wish I weren't divorced so I wouldn't have to deal with this crap, but life didn't work out that way.

What does that even mean? If a guy doesn't want kids or doesn't want to be in a position to have to deal with other people's kids, that has nothing to do with not giving you a "fair chance." It has to do with the guy having different wants out of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

If I asked someone out and they told on the second (or later) date that they had a child because they wanted me to "give them a chance", I would feel that they were attempting to manipulate me, and I would be irritated. I would not see them again. And that has nothing to do with them having a child or not.

It just seems so pathetic, OP, when you say you can't tell about your child beause you "want him to give me a chance." It makes you sound as if you don't have much to offer.

And it makes you sound like a bad mother, someone who would go ahead with the relationship even if you discovered later that it/he wasn't ideal for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with a lot of these comments. Here is the scenario:

- I meet a woman who works in the same building
- we talk a couple of times on line for a coffee, casually talk
- ask her for lunch or dinner, first date, she says sure

I do not expect her to divulge her life status (single, divorced, have a child) at that stage. When we are on the date and learning about each other, that is a different story.

If a date just happens naturally, in real life, fine. But for any sort of online dating, you should disclose your kids in your profile.

Completely different story because that type of disclosure is expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not acting like my child is a burden. Is it so bad that I would like to date when my child is with her father? I've been divorced for 5 years and I've just recently worked up the nerve to put myself out there to give dating a try again.

It is not bad at all. Your ex probably dates. A good person of either sex will admire a person who is a good parent and has a reasonable relationship with their ex.

[Anonymous]

MY generl view is that you should tell them by the second date. I don't always tell them on the first date because I use the first date to vet a person. I don't tell everybody, everything.

You can save your bad mom comments and your kid should be a priority !!! I know what I m as a mother and my relationship with my child so you judgemental betties can fall back.

OP, I recommend you ignore them too, there is good advice to be hand here from time to time, but many posters take joy in picking apart the slightest details, and twist phrases so they can feel superior.


Other than that, keep your chin up, there is someone out there for you. I know how hard it can be getting back into dating, it's easy to believe the lie that you aren't good enough.
'You are good enough, and any guy worth having will see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then they suck. You don't want them. And you don't want to waste even 15 minutes on them, or lure them, or con them into thinking they want you for even 1 or 2 or 3 dates. They are flawed and disgusting and horrid human beings who should not be around your beautiful child. How do you not see this?

I'm not trying to con anyone, I just want to be giving a fair chance. Shit, I wish I weren't divorced so I wouldn't have to deal with this crap, but life didn't work out that way.

OP, I think you should pause on dating for right now, it seems you still have some things to work on regarding the end of your marriage and your self-esteem. That is what guys are picking up on and possibly turning them off not the fact that you have a kid. Maybe book a few sessions with a therapist so you can talk these things out, and once you're feeling 100% try dating again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not acting like my child is a burden. Is it so bad that I would like to date when my child is with her father? I've been divorced for 5 years and I've just recently worked up the nerve to put myself out there to give dating a try again.

It is not bad at all. Your ex probably dates. A good person of either sex will admire a person who is a good parent and has a reasonable relationship with their ex.

My ex remarried right after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MY generl view is that you should tell them by the second date. I don't always tell them on the first date because I use the first date to vet a person. I don't tell everybody, everything.

You can save your bad mom comments and your kid should be a priority !!! I know what I m as a mother and my relationship with my child so you judgemental betties can fall back.

OP, I recommend you ignore them too, there is good advice to be hand here from time to time, but many posters take joy in picking apart the slightest details, and twist phrases so they can feel superior.


Other than that, keep your chin up, there is someone out there for you. I know how hard it can be getting back into dating, it's easy to believe the lie that you aren't good enough.
'You are good enough, and any guy worth having will see that.

Thank you for your kind words!

[Anonymous]

Eh OP. Let it just be a booty call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh OP. Let it just be a booty call.

That's the last thing I want.

[Anonymous]

Ugh so annoying!!! Yes you tell him!!! I'm a woman dating and want to know up front how much baggage a man has and wouldn't even consider dating anyone who didn't tell me he has kids on the first date. What else is he hiding? I'm child free and happy, would also be happy maybe with a partner with kids but let me decide right away if I want to take that on. I'm expecting rude replies but the truth hurts and people want to know in the beginning.