Parents together unhappily or divorced - which is harder for kids?
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Anonymous
You really think that? I don't agree. DH and I are in a low conflict marriage but are not compatible any more. 8 year old DS told me last week that DH and I are not like other kids parents because we never kiss or hug. I have no plans to get divorced, FWIW. DH is really argumentative, particular, and unrelaxed, but by no means abusive, and he's very invested and involved with DH. |
Anonymous
The specific problem a lot of people have is: by and large spouse is reliable and decent, is a good parent, and has a good income... but the sex sucks or is non-existent. What then? Accept a life of no sex or crappy sex "for the children"? It is hard not to "ruminate" about that particular "one thing" (sex) when it's missing. |
Anonymous
I get that it's tough. But the chaos that would ensue from breaking up a home over that is reason to deal with it. Everyone hopes they'd be that special case where they met someone new who is fantastic and brings them happiness until they are 90. That is unlikely for most. People go to jobs they find boring day in and day out because they have to pay their bills. How is it different? Both in your career and your marriage you do have some control to improve it and make the best of it. That is my view, anyway. When you stop harping on what you can't change then you find opportunities for happiness you didn't know could come your way. |
Anonymous
Um, cheat? It's pretty common, it's what most people do in that situation. Stay married, stay sane, keep the kid's home intact. It's not rocket science. If you can't find someone to cheat with, the problem may be you. |
Anonymous
Actually the best research on kids whose parents divorce is split. The research on one side finds negative outcomes for kids of divorce, while the other side finds that kids of divorce have similar outcomes to kids from families with not divorce-as long as the divorcing and then divorced parents can be fairly amicable and effective co-parents. |
Anonymous
Yes, and on top of that, your child is seeing these things too. He/she is internalizing them. And on top of that, your child is dealing with your stress and distraction. I'm sorry. The one good thing is that your child will never hold it against you. He/she already knows there are problems, even if it's subconscious. |
Anonymous
| Lots of kids grow up with divorced parents, and they manage to live successful lives. Lots of kids grow up with one or more parent who is deceased, and they also manage to live successful lives. I know this because I grew up with a parent who was shot and killed, and I have lived a successful life. I am divorced, and my kids are perfectly fine. It depends on how you raise your kids. Raise them to succeed and they will. Raise them to fail and they will. Now I will address the issue of abuse: Do you want your children to grow up thinking that abuse is ok? Because that's what you are teaching them. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
My friends with divorced parents are all divorced now. All of my friends whose parents stayed together are still married. We are all in our mid-50s now. |
Anonymous
+1 My parents had a low-conflict and extremely unhappy marriage. There was no abuse, addiction, cheating, etc. I can count the number of times that they had big blow-out screaming matches on one hand. They are good people who did whatever they needed to do in order to successfully run a household and raise two kids. However, they are also fundamentally incompatible people who agreed to a semi-arranged marriage out of familial obligation and tradition. They did their best but it was a square peg in a round hole type of situation. Extreme compromises where no one is really happy works for short-term professional goals but not long term personal ones. It made them miserable and yes, it got worse over time- especially once there were no more distractions like eldercare, childcare, etc. Even as a young child, I could see that they were unhappy. By the time I was a teenager, I absolutely knew that I didn't want their type of marriage. Growing up in household where marriage alternated between being an obligation and a prison, I became very commitment phobic as an adult. I was genuinely afraid that I would end up like my parents. Today, my parents are still unhappy. But now that my sibling and I are adults, they feel comfortable openly talking about their unhappiness and how much they have sacrificed for us. Today, my parents are still unhappy. However, since my sibling and I are adults, they now feel comfortable telling about their unhappiness. |
Anonymous
Problem with that point of view is that my divorced parents THINK that I was "perfectly fine", but I was not. They have no fcking idea how seriously (in a negative sense) their divorce affected me from childhood through to this very day. I am successful in life, but I believe I would have been much more successful if my parents hadn't gotten divorced. |
Anonymous
| I think high conflict/lack of love between parents is most damaging. He sounds like someone who should be around your children as little as possible. |
Anonymous
Exactly. My parents would tell you all those same things, but the truth is, I concealed the impact from them. And as an adult, it is very burdensome and expensive to deal with. Divorced people don't like to acknowlesge the reality that it can have negative consequences. |
Anonymous
Divorce. It will be hard for everybody, including the kids. But it is better than bringing them up in a toxic household. By the time I left, XH had gone from bullying and verbally abusing me to starting to do it to the kids. He still, three years later, can't stop doing it to me, but once I left he got a lot better with the kids. They have a much better relationship with him now. There are times I wish something could have worked instead of the divorce, but he absolutely would not change. I tried everything, even all kinds of individual and joint counseling. I often think I stayed too long, and I talk to my daughters all the time about making good choices in dating (they are just starting to get to an age where that is relevant). |
Anonymous
And kids can't imagine or don't realize the impact that staying together in a bad marriage has on them. Kids imagine that if their parents had stayed together life would be magically perfect. My now ex husband's parents stayed together, even though his mom was an alcoholic and substance abuser and was sent away to a mental institution for a year. Growing up in that environment damaged my ex and his life, even though it was a two parent low conflict family. When I began to see similar problems with my ex, I ended our relationship. I have no doubt that on balance the choice I made was the best one. My kids have a better life than they would have had if we stayed together. There are terrible things that they will never really understand that they were protected from, and they, like you, might view our divorce as something selfish, but in fact, what I've done to raise them in a healthy environment was the most selfless thing I could do. It wrecked my life financially and professionally, but protected theirs. |