Parents together unhappily or divorced - which is harder for kids?

[Anonymous]

www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2007/09/18

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2007/09/18

http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2007/09/18/divorce-better-for-children-than-living-with-unhappily-married-parents/

[Anonymous]

My friend's kid is a happy well adjusted child who is doing well at school and sports. His parents got divorced because they grew apart. They are both involved parents and get along well. However, my other friend stays married to a controlling emotionally abusive workaholic and her kid is totally failing at school, being held back, has no friends and depressed and anxious. The mom is stressed out most of the time and drinks. OP, please be a responsible adult and provide your kid a safe and happy home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids don't care if you're happy. Overcoming unhappiness and still providing a safe and secure base for kids is the ultimate in character.

I agree with you if you are talking about run of the mill unhappiness - Spouse doesn't fulfill me. Spouse doesn't want sex as much as me. Spouse is boring. Spouse doesn't help as much with kids and household chores as I expected. Spouse is lazy. etc.

But cheating and lying? That is grounds for divorce in most people's books.

[Anonymous]

Though neither if ideal, obviously, & every situation is,different, recent studids show that, generslly speaking, kids are better off if their parents divorce rather than stay in a high conflict marriages. "High conflict" doesn't necessarily mean abusive, btw; psychologists typically consider marriages in which the spouses frequently shout at each other, argue about the kids (especially in front of the kids), give each other the silent treatment, etc, to be "high conflict", as well.
I'm technologically challenged & can't figure out how to copy & paste this as a working link using my phone but this article on the topic is pretty interesting & informative:

www.heysigmund.com/unhappy-marriage-and-kids/

If you Google " are,kids,better off with unhappily married or divorced parents", you'll find several other good articles, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on my kids, us being together was harder on them. It was horrible for them not to have home be their safe space.[/quote]

This phrase resonates with me. My parents were often at each other's throats. I dated a guy for 6 years starting when I was 14. Years later I realize part of why I stayed with him when I wasn't all that I n love was because he gave me security. I would spend so many nights at his house, with his family. That was a whole other thing to break out of when I eventually woke up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

I don't mean to rub salt but honestly, you have to see the divorce was a responsible decision.

I agree. Had to be done. What I'm not agreeing with is the "kids will find it a relief" part. It will shatter their world even if it has to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2007/09/18

http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2007/09/18/divorce-better-for-children-than-living-with-unhappily-married-parents/

Problem with this study is "Americans say". They asked a bunch of adults. It does not surprise me that a bunch of adults say that. To find out the correct answer, you have to ask children. And the problem with that is... children often don't know the damage that has been inflicted on them, and may not truly understand it until they grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2007/09/18

http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2007/09/18/divorce-better-for-children-than-living-with-unhappily-married-parents/

Problem with this study is "Americans say". They asked a bunch of adults. It does not surprise me that a bunch of adults say that. To find out the correct answer, you have to ask children. And the problem with that is... children often don't know the damage that has been inflicted on them, and may not truly understand it until they grow up.

Yes but given that divorce has been common for more than a generation now, I'm assuming many of the adults they asked have parents who divorced when they were kids. Also, as both the article referenced in a previous post & many other well-sourced articles readily available via a Google search show, more in-depth studies also conclude that, generally speaking, kids with divorced parents fare better than those whose parents remain in high conflict marriages.

[Anonymous]

The science on this is pretty clear. Low conflict marriages are better for kids than divorce. Divorce is better than a high conflict, abusive marriage.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/11/04/AR2005110402304_2.html

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the problem can he that the divorce for the kids is de facto ongoing. The parents continue to try to make each other miserable, new partners enter the picture, and it's a major cluster.

[Anonymous]

What a bunch of crazy talk.

Absent severe conflict, kids are not better off in divorce, ever, ever, ever.

That does not mean parents who are absolutely miserable with each other and can't work it out must martyr their lives for the sake of their children. Kids can adapt, divorce isn't a death sentence. My parents had a low conflict marriage that ended in divorce. It was and is a hassle, it would be way easier then and now if they were together. But they don't need to sacrifice their happiness for eternity for mine. We are all doing fine, although neither one of them are remarried or particularly happy so I think they are the problem, not that their marriage was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

You dont have to believe it...no one cares what you believe. For me, when I was 9 and my mom said "grab a suitcase, we're out of here" it was the happiest day of my life. Dad wasn't abusive to us kids, but he was terrible to our mom, and it felt like abuse to us. I've come to have a relationship with him in the last few years, but I don't miss having him out of our lives through adolescence.

For all the folks who can't fathom people's emotional experiences are broad and vast and varied, you need to get out more, open your ears and minds and realize that the world is bigger than your small frame of reference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn't beat me, but he's cheated, he's dishonest, he has some substance abuse/mental health issues, and he's pretty controlling and emotionally abusive. I'm considering divorce but know this can be so harmful for children. Which is worse?

In your case, divorce is necessary and better for your children.

Emotional abuse is something that takes a terrible toll on children - it will affect them for the rest of their lives. Add substance abuse and mental health issues, and you've got a perfect dysfunctional storm. You cannot raise healthy children in this environment. I'm sorry. Please get a lot of help and support and get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A high conflict household is worse, every time. Remember, you are modelling for them what to expect from marriage and romantic relationships. Will they be emotional abusive to their partner? Will they tolerate it?

Personally, I could handle the cheating better than I could being disrespected or treated poorly in front of my kids.

If divorce is the better option, just find a good child therapist and make sure your kids have healthy supports throughout and after the process. Kids are resilient, especially when they have a strong support system.

I know you mean well. But I don't buy the modelling as a reason. Self preservation yes. Modelling that you give up no. The reality is that kids whose parents divorced are more likely to get divorced.

The relationship you've described sounds toxic and that is reason enough

You are a mentally ill piece of shit. People like you are why my mother stayed in an unhappy and abusive marriage to my father. I hope you live to see one of your children trapped in an abusive marriage.

I might be a piece of shit. But can you read ?? At no point did I say they should stay in an abusive relationship.

Deep breathe

Different poster.
You were right in the first instance- you're a piece of shit. Deciding to divorce is excruciating. You are no better than anyone, let alone anyone brave enough to model leaving a possibly abusive situation for a possibly much better one.

Yet another different poster here. Agree that he/she is a piece of shit. (An expression I never use, but in this case it's accurate.) The only good modeling here is showing the kids that she has the guts to stand up for herself and leave the abusive situation for a better and healthier life.