Parents together unhappily or divorced - which is harder for kids?

[Anonymous]

My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

[Anonymous]

My parents had a high-conflict marriage, a high-conflict divorce, and high-conflict second marriages. So I can't really say it was an upgrade, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A high conflict household is worse, every time. Remember, you are modelling for them what to expect from marriage and romantic relationships. Will they be emotional abusive to their partner? Will they tolerate it?

Personally, I could handle the cheating better than I could being disrespected or treated poorly in front of my kids.

If divorce is the better option, just find a good child therapist and make sure your kids have healthy supports throughout and after the process. Kids are resilient, especially when they have a strong support system.

I know you mean well. But I don't buy the modelling as a reason. Self preservation yes. Modelling that you give up no. The reality is that kids whose parents divorced are more likely to get divorced.

The relationship you've described sounds toxic and that is reason enough

You are a mentally ill piece of shit. People like you are why my mother stayed in an unhappy and abusive marriage to my father. I hope you live to see one of your children trapped in an abusive marriage.

I might be a piece of shit. But can you read ?? At no point did I say they should stay in an abusive relationship.

Deep breathe

Different poster.
You were right in the first instance- you're a piece of shit. Deciding to divorce is excruciating. You are no better than anyone, let alone anyone brave enough to model leaving a possibly abusive situation for a possibly much better one.

[Anonymous]

I will agree with an earlier poster who said kids don't care if you're happy. If there is anger and arguments and instability in the home, then yes it is probably best to fix it or leave. But if you two are just quietly resentful about the cheating or incompatibility or whatever, then no, the kids would probably not be better off if you divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will agree with an earlier poster who said kids don't care if you're happy. If there is anger and arguments and instability in the home, then yes it is probably best to fix it or leave. But if you two are just quietly resentful about the cheating or incompatibility or whatever, then no, the kids would probably not be better off if you divorced.

This is horrific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, exactly why do you think people get divorced? Do you think it's because their marriages are pretty good but maybe something better is out there?

No! They divorce cheating, dishonest, substance abuser, controlling emotionally abusive partners. That's who gets divorced.

Stop rationalizing staying in this horrible marriage, it's bad for you, your mental health and your children.

Nah. There are plenty of "I'm bored" or "I settled and I can do better" divorces of non-abusive/non-cheating/non-dishonest (in other words, perfectly decent) spouses.

[Anonymous]

It's worse to be with someone like that. Get out. Good luck. The kids, when they're old enough to understand will be grateful you left. In fact, they might even resent you if you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will agree with an earlier poster who said kids don't care if you're happy. If there is anger and arguments and instability in the home, then yes it is probably best to fix it or leave. But if you two are just quietly resentful about the cheating or incompatibility or whatever, then no, the kids would probably not be better off if you divorced.

Totally agree. If you are in a low-conflict marriage, the kids probably won't even know you're unhappy unless you straight-out tell them.

[Anonymous]

Based on my kids, us being together was harder on them. It was horrible for them not to have home be their safe space.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like divorce would be better in your situation, as long as you get custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

I don't mean to rub salt but honestly, you have to see the divorce was a responsible decision.

[Anonymous]

All of those who so blithely recommend divorce are assuming the home is a happier place after the parents have split up. Sadly, this is quite often not the case.

[Anonymous]

As a child of divorced parents, I'll say I definitely preferred divorce to them living together unhappily. I could never relax as a child knowing a huge fight could break out at any time.

I am happily married now, am very close with my mom and have a decent relationship with my dad.

[Anonymous]

DH's parents had a high-conflict marriage, but the divorce and step-family situation was 10x worse. First choice is extensive counseling if your DH is willing to reform himself. And if separation is the only option, lots of counseling for the kids- divorce is brutal for children.