Parents together unhappily or divorced - which is harder for kids?

[Anonymous]

My husband doesn't beat me, but he's cheated, he's dishonest, he has some substance abuse/mental health issues, and he's pretty controlling and emotionally abusive. I'm considering divorce but know this can be so harmful for children. Which is worse?

[Anonymous]

A high conflict household is worse, every time. Remember, you are modelling for them what to expect from marriage and romantic relationships. Will they be emotional abusive to their partner? Will they tolerate it?

Personally, I could handle the cheating better than I could being disrespected or treated poorly in front of my kids.

If divorce is the better option, just find a good child therapist and make sure your kids have healthy supports throughout and after the process. Kids are resilient, especially when they have a strong support system.

[Anonymous]

Staying in an abusive relationship is way more harmful than divorce. Basically you're teaching your kids that this is okay. How can that even make sense?

You know what you need to do OP.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? It doesn't matter, but if you have daughters you are showing them how a spouse should treat them, and if you have sons your husband is showing them how to treat women.

You will lose a little control over the kids when you separate because they will likely spend at least some time with their dad - but your home can be stable and can provide a good foundation for each of them.

Leaving is hard, and it can be dangerous. Please before you bring up divorce make a safety plan and have somewhere to go. Also interview lawyers because you will need a really good one.

[Anonymous]

I left my abusive, mentally ill, and drug addicted spouse. Life in the household was hell but divorce is harder on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Kids don't care if you're happy. Overcoming unhappiness and still providing a safe and secure base for kids is the ultimate in character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A high conflict household is worse, every time. Remember, you are modelling for them what to expect from marriage and romantic relationships. Will they be emotional abusive to their partner? Will they tolerate it?

Personally, I could handle the cheating better than I could being disrespected or treated poorly in front of my kids.

If divorce is the better option, just find a good child therapist and make sure your kids have healthy supports throughout and after the process. Kids are resilient, especially when they have a strong support system.

I know you mean well. But I don't buy the modelling as a reason. Self preservation yes. Modelling that you give up no. The reality is that kids whose parents divorced are more likely to get divorced.

The relationship you've described sounds toxic and that is reason enough

[Anonymous]

A bad marriage with kids is a no win situation. Divorce or staying both are totally messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids don't care if you're happy. Overcoming unhappiness and still providing a safe and secure base for kids is the ultimate in character.

Characterizing staying in an abusive marriage as "overcoming unhappiness" is a really messed up view of life.

I grew up in an intact family with one verbally abusive parent. It scarred me in ways that affected me for decades. I was engaged for a long time to a verbally, emotionally and, finally, physically abusive partner. Thank god I had enough self esteem not to take the final step and marry him. I had a second relationship with a man who was nice to me (and everyone) on the surface, but who cheated repeatedly with anyone he could find, while at the same time begging me to stay and lying to me. This was a serious emotional abuse and basically gave me PTSD.

I ended the last abusive relationship when our 2 children were in nursery school. I have full custody and am proud to say I have broken the cycle of intergenerational abuse.

Moral of the story: married is not necessarily better. An "intact" home is not necessarily healthier for kids.

[Anonymous]

Just because he doesn't New thiu now doesn't mean he won't. Or won't hit your kids. Their safety is paramount.

[Anonymous]

OP, exactly why do you think people get divorced? Do you think it's because their marriages are pretty good but maybe something better is out there?

No! They divorce cheating, dishonest, substance abuser, controlling emotionally abusive partners. That's who gets divorced.

Stop rationalizing staying in this horrible marriage, it's bad for you, your mental health and your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn't beat me, but he's cheated, he's dishonest, he has some substance abuse/mental health issues, and he's pretty controlling and emotionally abusive. I'm considering divorce but know this can be so harmful for children. Which is worse?

So beating someone is the only good reason to get divorced?

[Anonymous]

Speaking as someone who was raised in a high-conflict household, it was a wonderful relief when my parents finally divorced. I still haven't forgiven them for the unhappy mess they made of my childhood and I rarely talk to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A high conflict household is worse, every time. Remember, you are modelling for them what to expect from marriage and romantic relationships. Will they be emotional abusive to their partner? Will they tolerate it?

Personally, I could handle the cheating better than I could being disrespected or treated poorly in front of my kids.

If divorce is the better option, just find a good child therapist and make sure your kids have healthy supports throughout and after the process. Kids are resilient, especially when they have a strong support system.

I know you mean well. But I don't buy the modelling as a reason. Self preservation yes. Modelling that you give up no. The reality is that kids whose parents divorced are more likely to get divorced.

The relationship you've described sounds toxic and that is reason enough

You are a mentally ill piece of shit. People like you are why my mother stayed in an unhappy and abusive marriage to my father. I hope you live to see one of your children trapped in an abusive marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A high conflict household is worse, every time. Remember, you are modelling for them what to expect from marriage and romantic relationships. Will they be emotional abusive to their partner? Will they tolerate it?

Personally, I could handle the cheating better than I could being disrespected or treated poorly in front of my kids.

If divorce is the better option, just find a good child therapist and make sure your kids have healthy supports throughout and after the process. Kids are resilient, especially when they have a strong support system.

I know you mean well. But I don't buy the modelling as a reason. Self preservation yes. Modelling that you give up no. The reality is that kids whose parents divorced are more likely to get divorced.

The relationship you've described sounds toxic and that is reason enough

You are a mentally ill piece of shit. People like you are why my mother stayed in an unhappy and abusive marriage to my father. I hope you live to see one of your children trapped in an abusive marriage.

I might be a piece of shit. But can you read ?? At no point did I say they should stay in an abusive relationship.

Deep breathe