Parents together unhappily or divorced - which is harder for kids?

[Anonymous]

I think the problem with the title of this post is that it assumes people are either unhappily married or happily divorced. I'm divorced (for my daughter maybe she was happier when we were together because we kept a lot of our dysfunction away from her, we are really good coparents but she complains about having two homes), and I am part of several online groups-a good subsection of divorced parents are still fighting it out after the divorce, trashing their exes to their kids, using their kids to fight with each other. Sadly, divorce doesn't necessarily save kids from conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem with the title of this post is that it assumes people are either unhappily married or happily divorced. I'm divorced (for my daughter maybe she was happier when we were together because we kept a lot of our dysfunction away from her, we are really good coparents but she complains about having two homes), and I am part of several online groups-a good subsection of divorced parents are still fighting it out after the divorce, trashing their exes to their kids, using their kids to fight with each other. Sadly, divorce doesn't necessarily save kids from conflict.

Or to paraphrase Nora Ephron, marriages end but divorce is forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem with the title of this post is that it assumes people are either unhappily married or happily divorced. I'm divorced (for my daughter maybe she was happier when we were together because we kept a lot of our dysfunction away from her, we are really good coparents but she complains about having two homes), and I am part of several online groups-a good subsection of divorced parents are still fighting it out after the divorce, trashing their exes to their kids, using their kids to fight with each other. Sadly, divorce doesn't necessarily save kids from conflict.

Were any of those marriages "low conflict" but they divorced anyway? Do low-conflict marriages result in low-conflict divorces? Or do the gloves come off after someone demands divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem with the title of this post is that it assumes people are either unhappily married or happily divorced. I'm divorced (for my daughter maybe she was happier when we were together because we kept a lot of our dysfunction away from her, we are really good coparents but she complains about having two homes), and I am part of several online groups-a good subsection of divorced parents are still fighting it out after the divorce, trashing their exes to their kids, using their kids to fight with each other. Sadly, divorce doesn't necessarily save kids from conflict.

Were any of those marriages "low conflict" but they divorced anyway? Do low-conflict marriages result in low-conflict divorces? Or do the gloves come off after someone demands divorce?

Sometimes the conflict emerges or is caused or exacerbated by remarriage, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

You are beyond stupid and I don't care what you believe. Not only was I happy when my parents divorced in my early teens, but I actually *asked* my mother to get a divorce for many years before she did. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

You are beyond stupid and I don't care what you believe. Not only was I happy when my parents divorced in my early teens, but I actually *asked* my mother to get a divorce for many years before she did. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I know many adults who share your experience. They know their parent's divorce was for the best. Interestingly, they are a pretty well-adjusted and successful group. I wonder if there are personality disorders or other mental problems involved with adults who still can't get over their parents' divorces twenty years later. In other words, would they be angry and bitter about something else instead?

The topic of divorce makes people crazy. Especially seeing a happily divorced woman - it seems to bring out the worst in some people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

You are beyond stupid and I don't care what you believe. Not only was I happy when my parents divorced in my early teens, but I actually *asked* my mother to get a divorce for many years before she did. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I know many adults who share your experience. They know their parent's divorce was for the best. Interestingly, they are a pretty well-adjusted and successful group. I wonder if there are personality disorders or other mental problems involved with adults who still can't get over their parents' divorces twenty years later. In other words, would they be angry and bitter about something else instead?

The topic of divorce makes people crazy. Especially seeing a happily divorced woman - it seems to bring out the worst in some people.

This is a really intriguing question. I think you are on to something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

You dont have to believe it...no one cares what you believe. For me, when I was 9 and my mom said "grab a suitcase, we're out of here" it was the happiest day of my life. Dad wasn't abusive to us kids, but he was terrible to our mom, and it felt like abuse to us. I've come to have a relationship with him in the last few years, but I don't miss having him out of our lives through adolescence.

For all the folks who can't fathom people's emotional experiences are broad and vast and varied, you need to get out more, open your ears and minds and realize that the world is bigger than your small frame of reference.

You are a moron if you think your experience was representative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

You are beyond stupid and I don't care what you believe. Not only was I happy when my parents divorced in my early teens, but I actually *asked* my mother to get a divorce for many years before she did. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

You are a fking idiot and I don't care what you believe. The scientific literature demonstrating the lifelong negative impact of divorce on children is vast and conclusive. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

You are beyond stupid and I don't care what you believe. Not only was I happy when my parents divorced in my early teens, but I actually *asked* my mother to get a divorce for many years before she did. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

You are a fking idiot and I don't care what you believe. The scientific literature demonstrating the lifelong negative impact of divorce on children is vast and conclusive. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch.

Personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem with the title of this post is that it assumes people are either unhappily married or happily divorced. I'm divorced (for my daughter maybe she was happier when we were together because we kept a lot of our dysfunction away from her, we are really good coparents but she complains about having two homes), and I am part of several online groups-a good subsection of divorced parents are still fighting it out after the divorce, trashing their exes to their kids, using their kids to fight with each other. Sadly, divorce doesn't necessarily save kids from conflict.

Were any of those marriages "low conflict" but they divorced anyway? Do low-conflict marriages result in low-conflict divorces? Or do the gloves come off after someone demands divorce?

Sometimes the conflict emerges or is caused or exacerbated by remarriage, too.

+1 and this was my experience as a kid (teenager). Parent's marriage was low conflict. In hindsight, they had some big, vocal fights, usually after they thought I went to bed. But generally, we were a normal family. Then, they divorced when I was a teenager, and the gloves came off. Mostly over the "bitch" my dad took up with. From there, they couldn't be in same room together, not at wedding, grandkids birthday, etc. Logistical nightmare.

FWIW, I am fine, I wasn't put through split custody, divorce sucked but it wasn't the end of me. It does severely limit grandparent visits and time, but that is equally as much because they don't get along as much as two separate homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

You are beyond stupid and I don't care what you believe. Not only was I happy when my parents divorced in my early teens, but I actually *asked* my mother to get a divorce for many years before she did. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

You are a fking idiot and I don't care what you believe. The scientific literature demonstrating the lifelong negative impact of divorce on children is vast and conclusive. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch.

Personality disorder.

+100. She is vile.

[Anonymous]

NP. How unhappy are we talking? If it comes down to being sad that you're not in a high quality relationship but by and large your spouse is reliable and a decent, reliable person, I say stick it out. Accept your spouse. Treat them like any other family member who you love and care for. If you lower your expectations in this way you can find immense happiness in your life. Life is not all about romance. If you keep ruminating about the one thing that is missing from your life of course you're going to be unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. How unhappy are we talking? If it comes down to being sad that you're not in a high quality relationship but by and large your spouse is reliable and a decent, reliable person, I say stick it out. Accept your spouse. Treat them like any other family member who you love and care for. If you lower your expectations in this way you can find immense happiness in your life. Life is not all about romance. If you keep ruminating about the one thing that is missing from your life of course you're going to be unhappy.

OP here. I would not call my husband decent or reliable. He:

-cheated on me
-lies
-is financially controlling (I have to account for every dollar I spend)
-is a bully/controlling
-forces me to apologize for any slight, real or perceived, but rarely apologizes himself
-tells me I'm too sensitive and have a perception problem
-speaks rudely and disrespectfully
-abuses alcohol

BUT sometimes he can be nice. Sometimes he's funny and humble and generous. Mostly not, though. Recently I've become so exhausted even taking my preschooler to school is too much. I dread when he comes home and weekends and try to spend as much time apart as I can. I feel trapped and I know it could be worse. He's good looking and successful and I think it would be stupid to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. How unhappy are we talking? If it comes down to being sad that you're not in a high quality relationship but by and large your spouse is reliable and a decent, reliable person, I say stick it out. Accept your spouse. Treat them like any other family member who you love and care for. If you lower your expectations in this way you can find immense happiness in your life. Life is not all about romance. If you keep ruminating about the one thing that is missing from your life of course you're going to be unhappy.

OP here. I would not call my husband decent or reliable. He:

-cheated on me
-lies
-is financially controlling (I have to account for every dollar I spend)
-is a bully/controlling
-forces me to apologize for any slight, real or perceived, but rarely apologizes himself
-tells me I'm too sensitive and have a perception problem
-speaks rudely and disrespectfully
-abuses alcohol

BUT sometimes he can be nice. Sometimes he's funny and humble and generous. Mostly not, though. Recently I've become so exhausted even taking my preschooler to school is too much. I dread when he comes home and weekends and try to spend as much time apart as I can. I feel trapped and I know it could be worse. He's good looking and successful and I think it would be stupid to leave.

PP here. I did not read this whole thread. I guess I was more referring to 2 recent threads where the women were essentially bored and wanted to divorce over it.

Your situation definitely sounds difficult and I personally wouldn't say divorce is out of the question for a situation such as the one you are describing. I think his being good looking and successful is not a good reason to stay in and of itself at all!!

I'm sorry. I do not know what the answer is for you but if someone is bullying you, controlling you, and actively undermining your mental health, that is not a frivolous reason to divorce and I do not think your kids would hold it against you. I hope you find the best solution for your family.