Do you regret being childless by choice later in life?

[Anonymous]

When someone is 55-60 years old and they regret not have by kids they forget that they did what they wanted in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s ....so now after 40 years of me time they regret ?? Okkkkaaay!

[Anonymous]

In the past 10 years several people who where childless have become ill and died. Only two had a parents who were still alive. The end of there lives were pretty lonely, in nursing home or hospice care. They all were vulnerable without an younger advocate.

As we age our parents pass, siblings get old, die or have their own families to care for. It's true that you can't count on kids to step up when you need them. But that may be all you have one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone is 55-60 years old and they regret not have by kids they forget that they did what they wanted in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s ....so now after 40 years of me time they regret ?? Okkkkaaay!

Well, but you are making assumptions. It's possible some people choose not to have kids because of other circumstances, not just so they can do what they want. There are all kinds of reasons people don't have kids. For some it might be health issues or mental health issues. For some it could be financial reasons. For some it could be marital issues. For some it could be timing issues.

It isn't true that just because a person doesn't have kids that they are doing everything they want to do or that they have a lot of me time. In fact, if you read threads on childfree/childless forums, some people say that they have enough trouble managing without their kids (i.e., they are working so many hours just to keep a job that pays the rent) and they feel like if they are treading water as it is, it wouldn't be fair to throw a kid into that mix. I think it's possible that someone might not find financial stability until their late 40s and then feel it is too late.

Don't assume that childless/free people all have the same reasons for not having kids. I think, more often than not, it's complicated.

[Anonymous]

^^^ that should just read "managing without kids" -- not "managing without their kids." Obviously, if they are childless, they don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the past 10 years several people who where childless have become ill and died. Only two had a parents who were still alive. The end of there lives were pretty lonely, in nursing home or hospice care. They all were vulnerable without an younger advocate.

As we age our parents pass, siblings get old, die or have their own families to care for. It's true that you can't count on kids to step up when you need them. But that may be all you have one day.

Most everyone I know who has died in old age (versus dying from an accident or unexpected issue as a younger adult) has died in hospice care. And usually, the last month, they didn't even recognize the people around them.

A grandparent of mine died last year. She didn't recognize her own children for basically the last year of her life. My grandparent would have been better off in nursing care b/c my relative who cared for her really was not fit to do so, but she didn't want to put my grandparent in a nursing home because it would've meant giving up assets. It was a pretty sad and miserable situation. There was a lot of arguing among family members.

She finally did go into hospice care, and honestly, the hospice workers cared for her better than anyone else could.

Maybe I'm cynical, but I think the end of life is likely going to be hard and difficult no matter how you slice it. I'm not sure you should base a decision about whether to have children on that.

As an aside, as much as people raise that as an issue, you'd think as a society we would do more to ensure better eldercare. But we don't. Instead of making childless women afraid that they're going to die alone and likely be abused, exploited, and/or neglected in the days leading up to that, how about advocate for better eldercare all around? It would be better for everyone that way -- even, and perhaps especially, your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody should have kids if they want them to be an extension of them or are having them purely so they can be looked after in later life. A colleague said to me (I am the nanny poster again) "You should have children as they will look after you later on in life." As others have said, that is a selfish reason to have them and of course, there are no guarantees that will happen.
I am one of three and my siblings don't have kids/want them either. I know my mother is secretly devastated that she won't ever have grandkids but I refuse to apologise for that. I am my own person and need to live my life my way.

I'm the PP of the few long posts above. And that is exactly my situation. It has actually really caused a rift between me and my mother. My siblings don't have kids either, and it has put a strain on all of us dealing with her.

Nanny poster here, I am sorry to hear that. In my situation it makes me angry. On Mothers day last year she chose to see a friend of the family who had just given birth over spending time with me.
It is selfish to have children and expect them to meet expectations you want for them. Nobody should ever have kids for that reason. By all means, Be disappointed you won't ever get grandkids but don't make it public. That's just selfish and cruel.
Sorry, hope things improve there

That's a shame that she chose not to spend mothers day with you.

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm going to write some things that will probably get me flamed, but I think they need to be said.

The sad reality about my mom is that, putting aside how her actions have affected me, I think she's very unhappy. But if she were polled by someone trying to quantify if women were happier later in life having had kids or not, she would likely say she's happy, the kids are the best thing, yadda, yadda, yadda. And it would skew the results because she isn't happy. And while she may not regret kids, she's an example of how having kids doesn't guarantee you happiness in later years. And my deep suspicion is that some of the childless women who regret not having kids might not have been any happier if they had had them. It's just easier to fixate on that as being the reason. A lot of people reach retirement (with and without kids) and find it's difficult to transition to that phase of life, especially if they can no longer do the things they used to do.

The thing is that for every childless/free older woman who has regrets and/or isn't happy there's an older woman who did have children who also has regrets of some sort (perhaps unrelated to children) and/or isn't happy. But we frame the question as having kids being the make-or-break decision in life -- for women.

How many times has someone on here (or elsewhere on the internet) said they feel sorry for women who don't have children? But how many posts do we see of women who have children but are unhappy for some other reason (bad marriage, lack of hobbies, lack of friends, isolation)? No one ever makes statements of deep pity for those women. We have this cultural narrative that even if you aren't happy, having kids = at least some kind of default happiness or, at the least, checks off some sort of "meaning" box so that there is something redeeming. And that leads to this idea that women should be happy if they kids; if they aren't happy but are mothers, then their unhappiness doesn't matter. They still have or had purpose, so it's fine.

I don't think that is good for anyone -- women or men, childless/free or with children. It devalues people as having intrinsic integrity and worth.

It also devalues friendship. And that's a shame because, for one, even if you have children, ideally, they grow up to have lives of their own. Two, if we really want a civilized society, we can't see blood ties as the only ties that matter. Bonds of friendship also strengthen society. But as many posts reveal on here, many feel like the only relationships that matter, that are worth effort and worth maintaining, are familial bonds. No wonder there's so much tribalism. No wonder we don't have a strong social safety net.

And aside from all of that, we haven't really thought about eldercare in part because there's this tacit assumption that children will care for aging parents. But it seems to me increasingly clear that when seniors reach a point that they need intense care, most adult children really aren't able to give them that kind of care and they find themselves with little support or options. In times past, all of that fell to women. They raised the kids and then they took care of the elderly. But as a woman, I don't think it's fair to assume that women will be and should be caretakers all their lives. But now that women do have options, it's even more important to, as a society, realize that we should all take an interest in ensuring there's adequate eldercare available.

Perhaps I'm rambling. But I'm just tired of all of the judgment regarding childless/free women. I read post after post after post by women with children who are unhappy about one thing or another or are in a bad marriage or whatever. But even with all of that unhappiness, when the topic of childless women comes up, everyone acts like childless women are *truly* unhappy/pitiful. It doesn't make any sense.

I'm childless noy by choice but I get you. One parent is gone, the other will be gone soon and my sibling is estranged from us all and would be more likely to be a burden to me than someone I could rely on if needed. I do wonder what will happen to me when I am too old to take care of myself. And my life has ups and downs like everyone else. There are times I feel profoundly sad that I lost all my babies. There are other times I see my colleagues struggling with kids that seem to be sick every.single.day of the year and never getting sleep and being broke all the time and I am thankful it's not me. I can see someone who didn't want kids pausing for a minute in their later years and feeling wistful for a minute about it, but this narrative that people who don't want children are SO selfish and so me me me me and aren't fully realized as people and all the mommies are the bestest and most evolved and sacrificing has to stop.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I hate the Mommy as a saint kind of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister just pretends my kids are hers when she's around them and is fine.

Ha! My brother-in-law and his wife do this as well. They love to take my kids for the day and do family things. We get free babysitting for the day and they get to play family. Win-win.

You sound like a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At a certain age, older family members, friends and spouses start dying off. You go to more funerals than weddings. If you don't have the next generation, who will look after you?

Sadly, having kids doesn't guarantee that they will be there for you when you need it. Agree it ups the odds, though.

[Anonymous]

A selfish reason to have kids though, no disputing that.

For all those who 'pretend' to be Mom/Dad for the day, why bother? Do you feel you have to do so in order to be seen as worthwhile? I never pretend any kid I look after is mine, nor do I feel the need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister just pretends my kids are hers when she's around them and is fine.

Ha! My brother-in-law and his wife do this as well. They love to take my kids for the day and do family things. We get free babysitting for the day and they get to play family. Win-win.

You sound like a loser.

Hahah.....huh? NP but YOU sound extremely bitter and insecure

[Anonymous]

I can see how someone might not want to raise kids. But it's hard for me to imagine how an older person wouldn't want to have adult kids. I have to imagine that on some level there is a certain regret that they don't have adult kids around, even if they don't think raising children would have been worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the past 10 years several people who where childless have become ill and died. Only two had a parents who were still alive. The end of there lives were pretty lonely, in nursing home or hospice care. They all were vulnerable without an younger advocate.

As we age our parents pass, siblings get old, die or have their own families to care for. It's true that you can't count on kids to step up when you need them. But that may be all you have one day.

Most everyone I know who has died in old age (versus dying from an accident or unexpected issue as a younger adult) has died in hospice care. And usually, the last month, they didn't even recognize the people around them.

A grandparent of mine died last year. She didn't recognize her own children for basically the last year of her life. My grandparent would have been better off in nursing care b/c my relative who cared for her really was not fit to do so, but she didn't want to put my grandparent in a nursing home because it would've meant giving up assets. It was a pretty sad and miserable situation. There was a lot of arguing among family members.

She finally did go into hospice care, and honestly, the hospice workers cared for her better than anyone else could.

Maybe I'm cynical, but I think the end of life is likely going to be hard and difficult no matter how you slice it. I'm not sure you should base a decision about whether to have children on that.

As an aside, as much as people raise that as an issue, you'd think as a society we would do more to ensure better eldercare. But we don't. Instead of making childless women afraid that they're going to die alone and likely be abused, exploited, and/or neglected in the days leading up to that, how about advocate for better eldercare all around? It would be better for everyone that way -- even, and perhaps especially, your children.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should post this in the Fifty and Over forum.

But my answer is no. I am 62 with no kids, and although I am a preschool teacher, I have always known that children were not the right choice for me.

I would love grandchildren, however!

I find it interesting you're a preschool teacher who doesn't want kids. I would rather die before being a teacher. I dislike being around others' children. However, I adore my own!! I would think if you don't want your own you wouldn't want to be around children in general.

That is a stupid assumption to make. I am 32 and childless but am a nanny. I enjoy working with children but have no desire to be a mom. You can't compare working with kids to having your own. It isn't rare either, I know a lot of childless women who work with children. We aren't all children haters as we don't want our own either.

Agree that it's a stupid assumption as well. One of my colleagues does not want kids but she is a prosecutor specializing in child sexual abuse. She is the biggest champion of children I can imagine. She is wonderful with them--the most damaged and scared children out there. She loves her job and is incredible at it.

Do you really think a prosecutor who specializes in child sexual abuse interacts with children nearly as much as a preschool teacher. Yes, I think most people would assume that the type of person who would want to be a preschool teacher would also want to have children of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am child free and don't regret it. This world and this country is not kind to women with children. Maternity leave in the US is a bad joke.
It seems like the country promotes immigration more than reproduction of its own women. Pumping breast milk at work - you got to be kidding me, it's cruel to women and babies that are separated from their moms at such young age. So no, no regrets.

Really, so you decided not to have kids because of maternity leave and finding it difficult to pump at work?