Do you regret being childless by choice later in life?

[Anonymous]

12.53, Why is it so difficult for you and others to understand that we don't feel sad about not having kids? Some might but most of us don't. I am very happy not to have my own kids and never regretted it. Stop assuming.

[Anonymous]

PP the nanny poster when she says deep and personal reasons AMEN SISTER!!!
I went through years of infertility and talked to many many people. Not one person had a selfish reasons. Many of their reasons were heartbreaking. Others were simply know thyself. Strangely many had suffered great losses in childhood....

[Anonymous]

I am in my late 40s with one child and have several friends who are childfree in their 40s and 50s. I wouldn't say any of them have real "regrets." They're all educated, successful women with plenty of close relationships (siblings, friends, spouses, partners) and don't pine for children. One is an amazing teacher and aunt who has known her entire life that she had no desire for children of her own. One is a nun who is the happiest, kindest and most joyful person I have ever known.

I hope the days of seeing older women without children as being dessicated, sad husks will be behind us someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP the nanny poster when she says deep and personal reasons AMEN SISTER!!!
I went through years of infertility and talked to many many people. Not one person had a selfish reasons. Many of their reasons were heartbreaking. Others were simply know thyself. Strangely many had suffered great losses in childhood....

That was me. I know from experience that there are many complex reasons why I don't want children which are very personal to me. That is why it is so rude when people question my decision not to have them. It is none of their business whatsoever. As you say, there are some women who desperately want kids but can't due to infertility. It is only the small minded people that make an issue out of childless women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had someone assume I did nothing because I had no children. Like, they couldn't imagine what I might be doing with my life other than raising kids. That gets tiresome and, again, I am childless NOT BY CHOICE, so I can imagine how someone who chooses not to have kids might receive some judgment like that. If you wanted kids and pushed them out great but understand that some people don't want them. If anything my struggle to have kids made me examine more closely WHY I wanted them whereas most people I know just made babies because it was the next thing to do on the list of life things.

+1000

I am also childless, not by choice. It's a hard decision to make, not everyone wants children. If we lived in an affordable area, we would have pursued adoption or foster care. I can definitely see why many in higher cost areas would decide not to have children, for a while host if reasons.

Back to the question...do childless by choice people have any regrets?

I do, but I am childless due to infertility and lack of money.

So you are saying its too expensive to raise a kid in this area even if you had the money or able to conceive? Bc when i travel abroad to south america i see a lot of young white parents with little kids who look native.

No, I am the pp and what I was saying is that I don't have the money here to adopt (horribly expensive) or pay for all the extras and daycare for a foster child, who in MD will be probably given back to their original parent and for whom the state funds substantially less than half the amount for daycare in the DC area.

If I felt sure I could foster to adopt, I would pay the extra money. As it is, we will have to wait. If I lived in an affordable area, I would take my chances and not worry about the money while fostering. Also don't want to get attached to a child, love them, and have to turn them back over to a potentially problemed environment.

If I lived in Alabama or Georgia or Kansas or any affordable state with a lots of children who need foster care, I would be fostering to adopt right now. It would not be a financial problem for me to be a parent who can't conceive naturally, much like it would be if I lived in South America.

For now, both DH and I are good with our choice. We don't plan to be in the DC area forever, and I plan to try to foster / adopt after we relocate. We may end up childless in the long run anyhow, but it is what it is. I'm working, volunteering, and pursuing a small side business to make extra money.

Do think seriously about what will happen when we are elderly, but there are no guarantees if you have kids either. I know people whose kids have disappointed them, people who have kids who are drug addicts, kids who are always financially dependant, two sets of parents whose one kid tragically committed suicide because he was gay, and many many great kids and parents.

[Anonymous]

Just to clarify...we have decided that fostering to adopt kids to have a family for our old age is (1) selfish and (2) doesn't quite work that way for many others (3) we can help kids in need, in different ways, whether we end up fostering to adopt or not.

Am in my 40s and am old enough to remember a pre-fertility treatment word, where couples and women who were childless could only either adopt or stay childless. There were lots of childless older women, and a number of childless older couples, and (tragically) the two older couples who lost their closeted gay sons due to suicide. Also remember how special some of these adults were to me as a child and how they helped me, even though they were not my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for people who never had kids. Not really those who were always firm and unwavering in their dislike of kids but more those who were on the fence and might have had them had circumstances been different (money, infertility, job constraints, no partner/met partner late in life). It's such a huge, enriching part of life. I can't imagine missing such a fundamental experience.

This is what gives us moms a bad name with childless women. Having children is a huge, enriching part of life, but if we're being honest, it's also a huge, annoying, repetitive, difficult pain-in-the ass at times. There are a million ways to get gratification and mothering doesn't need to be one of them to have a rich, full, wonderful life. I'd be sad if I hadn't had my kids, but there are lots of other things I'd have used my time, energy, and money on that would have brought me joy.

NP. In the early years, yeah. But that fades as they become more independent and grow into functioning adults. My kids are teens who are very independent and lovely to be around. I haven't had the kinds of issues you're talking about in ~ 12 years.

The baby and toddler years are demanding and time and labor intensive but they're a short period overall. If you're fortunate, your kids grow into people you'd like to be friends with. Who wouldn't want that?

Shocking as it may be, plenty of people don't want your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is childless by choice. She spends some time with my child and that is enough for her. I can tell she tolerates her (and when she drops her off she is just about done with the whole kid thing).

Some people just don't love/like kids.

But a lot of people would love their own kids. I don't really care for my friends ' children either. But I adore my own!

Seriously. I'm not a big "kid" person, but I absolutely adore my own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is childless by choice. She spends some time with my child and that is enough for her. I can tell she tolerates her (and when she drops her off she is just about done with the whole kid thing).

Some people just don't love/like kids.

But a lot of people would love their own kids. I don't really care for my friends ' children either. But I adore my own!

Seriously. I'm not a big "kid" person, but I absolutely adore my own children.

Okay. That's great for you. But still some people don't like/love kids enough to want to have their own.

There has actually been a lot written recently about women who regret having children. They love their kids, but they don't particularly like being mothers. I know it's hard for you to get because you like being a mother, so it all worked out for you. But that isn't every woman's experience. And some women have a strong sense that it's not for them.