Do you regret being childless by choice later in life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for people who never had kids. Not really those who were always firm and unwavering in their dislike of kids but more those who were on the fence and might have had them had circumstances been different (money, infertility, job constraints, no partner/met partner late in life). It's such a huge, enriching part of life. I can't imagine missing such a fundamental experience.

Teacher here. Please don't feel bad for me. I don't feel a lack. I don't need your pity. Your experience doesn't shape my choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for people who never had kids. Not really those who were always firm and unwavering in their dislike of kids but more those who were on the fence and might have had them had circumstances been different (money, infertility, job constraints, no partner/met partner late in life). It's such a huge, enriching part of life. I can't imagine missing such a fundamental experience.

Would you like to be anymore patronising?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am child free and don't regret it. This world and this country is not kind to women with children. Maternity leave in the US is a bad joke.
It seems like the country promotes immigration more than reproduction of its own women. Pumping breast milk at work - you got to be kidding me, it's cruel to women and babies that are separated from their moms at such young age. So no, no regrets.

Really, so you decided not to have kids because of maternity leave and finding it difficult to pump at work?

Perhaps it's one of many reasons. What, is that not enough of an explanation for you?

Because maternity leave and breastfeeding are such small, minuscule stages of what is involved in having offspring for the rest of your life.

Okay, why aren't you currently doing all those end all be all activities with your children, instead of spending your Sunday on the internet.

My kids are high school age. I don't spend my entire Sundays with them anymore.

That's too bad. So the only important adult relationships you have aren't around anymore, so you spend your sundays on an anonymous Internet forum. Childfree here, and have things to do with the rest of my day. Most importantly, to spend time with other adults I have relationships with.

We are both on this forum on a Sunday afternoon. Why do you assume that this is a small break for you, in the midst of all your other exciting activities of the day, but not for me?

Bravo! I have three children, two of whom are old enough to be working or often otherwise engaged on the weekend. I've always had my own interests and have taken some time for myself while raising my children and I'm about sick of the childless women who approach me and other mothers with snark and condescension because they assume we have no life beyond mothering. I love my kids, but they don't define me. And while I do and will miss them when they're gone, I have a million things I'm looking forward to doing when my mothering role is much smaller.

Have you not read this entire thread? So let me get this straight: It's okay for moms to tell childless women that they're lives are meaningless and they're going to die alone, but you don't won't anyone implying you don't have any other interests?

Suck it up. Mothers get ENDLESS validation about their meaning and worth and blah, blah, blah. And then they go on to suggest that women without children are basically living empty lives. But they don't know why, after suggesting that, women without children might question, well, maybe if you think my life is so meaningless and horrible without kids, then maybe that means you don't have much of a life aside from your kids?

You don't see that that's a direct reaction to the BS people say to childless women?

FFS. I agree that that other childless PP was snarky. But I get where it comes from. You wouldn't believe the nasty things women have said to me because I don't have children. And yes, when they say those things, it makes me think that they have no life beyond mothering -- BECAUSE THEY ARE BASICALLY SUGGESTING THAT MOTHERING IS THE ONLY IMPORTANT THING IN THEIR LIVES.

I'm the PP you're replying to and no, I won't "suck up" rudeness and invalidation because some women with children are rude and invalidating to childless women. I happen to believe that if you don't want children, then you shouldn't have them and that should be the end of it. Maybe because I DO have other interests and goals aside from child-rearing, it's entirely understandable to me that women would choose not to have children in order to engage in their interests and goals. I certainly don't think that women should be judged or affirmed by whether or not they have children. Parenting is hard, even when you want to do it and I think if you make that choice, then it should be taken seriously. But, I also think if you decide not to have children and become a brain surgeon or an investment banker or whatever, you should take that seriously, too. I don't think I'm more important because I have children, but I do believe that because I did make that choice, I should give it all I've got (which doesn't mean I need to devote every second of my life to my kids) because I don't want my kids to be assholes. FWIW, I'd be the first person defending you against any snarky mom who would try to invalidate you for not having children, but I don't want to be condescended to because someone childless assumes I've got nothing going on but my kids.

Maybe both sides should knock it off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for people who never had kids. Not really those who were always firm and unwavering in their dislike of kids but more those who were on the fence and might have had them had circumstances been different (money, infertility, job constraints, no partner/met partner late in life). It's such a huge, enriching part of life. I can't imagine missing such a fundamental experience.

This is what gives us moms a bad name with childless women. Having children is a huge, enriching part of life, but if we're being honest, it's also a huge, annoying, repetitive, difficult pain-in-the ass at times. There are a million ways to get gratification and mothering doesn't need to be one of them to have a rich, full, wonderful life. I'd be sad if I hadn't had my kids, but there are lots of other things I'd have used my time, energy, and money on that would have brought me joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had someone assume I did nothing because I had no children. Like, they couldn't imagine what I might be doing with my life other than raising kids. That gets tiresome and, again, I am childless NOT BY CHOICE, so I can imagine how someone who chooses not to have kids might receive some judgment like that. If you wanted kids and pushed them out great but understand that some people don't want them. If anything my struggle to have kids made me examine more closely WHY I wanted them whereas most people I know just made babies because it was the next thing to do on the list of life things.

+1000

I am also childless, not by choice. It's a hard decision to make, not everyone wants children. If we lived in an affordable area, we would have pursued adoption or foster care. I can definitely see why many in higher cost areas would decide not to have children, for a while host if reasons.

Back to the question...do childless by choice people have any regrets?

I do, but I am childless due to infertility and lack of money.

So you are saying its too expensive to raise a kid in this area even if you had the money or able to conceive? Bc when i travel abroad to south america i see a lot of young white parents with little kids who look native.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for people who never had kids. Not really those who were always firm and unwavering in their dislike of kids but more those who were on the fence and might have had them had circumstances been different (money, infertility, job constraints, no partner/met partner late in life). It's such a huge, enriching part of life. I can't imagine missing such a fundamental experience.

Honestly I'd save your pity for the children out there who are not wanted and/or don't have their basic (not to mention more than basic) needs met. Maybe you can use that pity to do something fruitful for these children. It's wasted on us child free folk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should post this in the Fifty and Over forum.

But my answer is no. I am 62 with no kids, and although I am a preschool teacher, I have always known that children were not the right choice for me.

I would love grandchildren, however!

I find it interesting you're a preschool teacher who doesn't want kids. I would rather die before being a teacher. I dislike being around others' children. However, I adore my own!! I would think if you don't want your own you wouldn't want to be around children in general.

Not wanting to have your own children doesn't mean you don't like them. I love kids but I enjoy the freedom of being childfree. I was a nanny for many years and remain close with the family. I've also been a preschool teacher and worked at summer camps. I have close relationships with my niece and nephews. But I go home to a quiet house and have the freedom to do whatever I want. Being a mom isn't something I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for people who never had kids. Not really those who were always firm and unwavering in their dislike of kids but more those who were on the fence and might have had them had circumstances been different (money, infertility, job constraints, no partner/met partner late in life). It's such a huge, enriching part of life. I can't imagine missing such a fundamental experience.

This is what gives us moms a bad name with childless women. Having children is a huge, enriching part of life, but if we're being honest, it's also a huge, annoying, repetitive, difficult pain-in-the ass at times. There are a million ways to get gratification and mothering doesn't need to be one of them to have a rich, full, wonderful life. I'd be sad if I hadn't had my kids, but there are lots of other things I'd have used my time, energy, and money on that would have brought me joy.

NP. In the early years, yeah. But that fades as they become more independent and grow into functioning adults. My kids are teens who are very independent and lovely to be around. I haven't had the kinds of issues you're talking about in ~ 12 years.

The baby and toddler years are demanding and time and labor intensive but they're a short period overall. If you're fortunate, your kids grow into people you'd like to be friends with. Who wouldn't want that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for people who never had kids. Not really those who were always firm and unwavering in their dislike of kids but more those who were on the fence and might have had them had circumstances been different (money, infertility, job constraints, no partner/met partner late in life). It's such a huge, enriching part of life. I can't imagine missing such a fundamental experience.

This is what gives us moms a bad name with childless women. Having children is a huge, enriching part of life, but if we're being honest, it's also a huge, annoying, repetitive, difficult pain-in-the ass at times. There are a million ways to get gratification and mothering doesn't need to be one of them to have a rich, full, wonderful life. I'd be sad if I hadn't had my kids, but there are lots of other things I'd have used my time, energy, and money on that would have brought me joy.

NP. In the early years, yeah. But that fades as they become more independent and grow into functioning adults. My kids are teens who are very independent and lovely to be around. I haven't had the kinds of issues you're talking about in ~ 12 years.

The baby and toddler years are demanding and time and labor intensive but they're a short period overall. If you're fortunate, your kids grow into people you'd like to be friends with. Who wouldn't want that?

PP you're replying to here-I know what you mean, my own kids are 20, 17, and 13 and they're also really independent and fun to be with. I'm just trying not to sugar-coat mothering like many people seem to do (at least in public) because there are hard times and I think they should be acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

The original question was posted to folks that are childfree and in their later stages in their lives. So why are there so many opinions and hypotheses being posted by people with children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The original question was posted to folks that are childfree and in their later stages in their lives. So why are there so many opinions and hypotheses being posted by people with children?

*posed to*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am child free and don't regret it. This world and this country is not kind to women with children. Maternity leave in the US is a bad joke.
It seems like the country promotes immigration more than reproduction of its own women. Pumping breast milk at work - you got to be kidding me, it's cruel to women and babies that are separated from their moms at such young age. So no, no regrets.

Really, so you decided not to have kids because of maternity leave and finding it difficult to pump at work?

Perhaps it's one of many reasons. What, is that not enough of an explanation for you?

Because maternity leave and breastfeeding are such small, minuscule stages of what is involved in having offspring for the rest of your life.

Okay, why aren't you currently doing all those end all be all activities with your children, instead of spending your Sunday on the internet.

My kids are high school age. I don't spend my entire Sundays with them anymore.

That's too bad. So the only important adult relationships you have aren't around anymore, so you spend your sundays on an anonymous Internet forum. Childfree here, and have things to do with the rest of my day. Most importantly, to spend time with other adults I have relationships with.

We are both on this forum on a Sunday afternoon. Why do you assume that this is a small break for you, in the midst of all your other exciting activities of the day, but not for me?

Because I didn't spend the rest of my weekend responding to a post that's not even relevant to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see how someone might not want to raise kids. But it's hard for me to imagine how an older person wouldn't want to have adult kids. I have to imagine that on some level there is a certain regret that they don't have adult kids around, even if they don't think raising children would have been worth it.

So this is just your opinion? Based on what?

The original question is: Do you regret being childless by choice later in life?

So your opinion means shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of middle age friends who are childless by choice. I wonder if they have regrets as old age approaches.

Nope, not at all. DH and I have always been active in our niece's and nephew's lives and that gave us what we wanted.

Right? I love how most of the people theorizing that childfree people will regret it are those with children! And completely ignoring the childfree people that actually say they don't regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how someone might not want to raise kids. But it's hard for me to imagine how an older person wouldn't want to have adult kids. I have to imagine that on some level there is a certain regret that they don't have adult kids around, even if they don't think raising children would have been worth it.

You can imagine? Uh, okay. How about you imagine the opposite, which most childfree people have confirmed.

Why in the world would a person not desire to have a relationship with an adult child of their own?

Are you kidding? You think that's the only important relationship in a person's life?

Of course it's not the only important relationship, but it's HUGE, and incredibly rewarding. I certainly very much enjoy having an adult relationship with my own parents, as they certainly do as well. I think this is true in the vast majority of cases unless there is some sort of estranged relationship, but that's not the norm. Why in the world wouldn't someone want to experience 30-40 years of having a relationship with their own adult child? A stage that lasts far, far, longer than the child-rearing years.

I stopped reading your response when I realized you have kids and the question was to those that don't. Waste of time.