Do you regret being childless by choice later in life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt now has regrets. She was one of those people who had a very full life of work and travel all through her forties and fifties. Now she wishes she had adult children like my mother does. I don't think you can predict.

Why, specifically? Are you your mother's best friend?

Actually yes my mama m and I are quite close but I have two brothers as well. She has six grandchildren so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should post this in the Fifty and Over forum.

But my answer is no. I am 62 with no kids, and although I am a preschool teacher, I have always known that children were not the right choice for me.

I would love grandchildren, however!

I find it interesting you're a preschool teacher who doesn't want kids. I would rather die before being a teacher. I dislike being around others' children. However, I adore my own!! I would think if you don't want your own you wouldn't want to be around children in general.

My child has had 6 teachers so far. All are women of reasonable child-bearing age.
1 - 60s. Childless (seemingly by choice). VERY close to sister and sister's children. Has de-facto parent/child relationships.
2 - 40s. Childless, unmarried. Not sure why. Seems happy.
3 - Mid-30s. Not married. Almost definitely does want a partner and children.
4 - Mid-30s. Not married. I think she is a lesbian? Maybe in a partnership? Not sure if she wants kids.
5 - Early 30s. 3 kids.
6 - Mid 30s. Baby.

Lots of teachers do not have children. I know a few who say they love their kiddos at work and want to go home and be alone!

[Anonymous]

Why do you assume she is a lesbian?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody should have kids if they want them to be an extension of them or are having them purely so they can be looked after in later life. A colleague said to me (I am the nanny poster again) "You should have children as they will look after you later on in life." As others have said, that is a selfish reason to have them and of course, there are no guarantees that will happen.
I am one of three and my siblings don't have kids/want them either. I know my mother is secretly devastated that she won't ever have grandkids but I refuse to apologise for that. I am my own person and need to live my life my way.

I'm the PP of the few long posts above. And that is exactly my situation. It has actually really caused a rift between me and my mother. My siblings don't have kids either, and it has put a strain on all of us dealing with her.

Nanny poster here, I am sorry to hear that. In my situation it makes me angry. On Mothers day last year she chose to see a friend of the family who had just given birth over spending time with me.
It is selfish to have children and expect them to meet expectations you want for them. Nobody should ever have kids for that reason. By all means, Be disappointed you won't ever get grandkids but don't make it public. That's just selfish and cruel.
Sorry, hope things improve there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt now has regrets. She was one of those people who had a very full life of work and travel all through her forties and fifties. Now she wishes she had adult children like my mother does. I don't think you can predict.

Why, specifically? Are you your mother's best friend?

Actually yes my mama m and I are quite close but I have two brothers as well. She has six grandchildren so far.

Does she do things like travel, and have interests like art, literature, etc.? Or is she more family oriented, offering to babysit, etc.? Or perhaps, both? I ask because it seems like aunt feels like she's missing out on and I'm curious what exactly she thinks she's missing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting the two bosses mentioned are males.

I work with at least 4 childless by choice women and have had the conversation with them (ages 48 - 65), and none of them have any regrets.

I wonder if men just see the outcome their peers have (adult children, grandkids, fun) and don't think about all the work that would have gone into having kids. Or they have a wife who would have realistically ended up doing a disproportionate amount of the work. But for women, while they may think "Oh, it's be nice to have adult kids," they also think about all the years they wouldn't have been able to pursue their career/interests, how much work and strain it would have been for them, etc and it heads off regrets.

Agree with this theory

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

I think about this a lot. When I think about what I want my life to look like in 10 or 20 or 30 years, I always have at least a moderately-sizes family. That's why I had a second, even though it's hard now.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand one-and-done (I'm an only child of an only child and love being an only), but as someone who is childfree by choice, having just one seems like almost the worst situation. Your time and money are still tied up in all that comes with having kids, but it seems like the chances of having grandkids, having someone to take care of you when you're older, enjoying the "adult children" lifestyle, having at least one kid who lives near you - goes way down.

No knock on one-and-done, because I think those are all very "selfish" reasons for wanting to have kids (what they will do for you later in life). But to me, and as other posters have mentioned, the adult children and benefits they bring really seems like the big payoff in parenting, and with one child it seems like a lot riding on just one person.

Wow, I look at it quite differently. I have one child. I don't think it is his job to take care of me, keep me company, give me grandchildren, or live near me. I want him to pursue a life that will make him happy. If that works out, I'm satisfied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody should have kids if they want them to be an extension of them or are having them purely so they can be looked after in later life. A colleague said to me (I am the nanny poster again) "You should have children as they will look after you later on in life." As others have said, that is a selfish reason to have them and of course, there are no guarantees that will happen.
I am one of three and my siblings don't have kids/want them either. I know my mother is secretly devastated that she won't ever have grandkids but I refuse to apologise for that. I am my own person and need to live my life my way.

I'm the PP of the few long posts above. And that is exactly my situation. It has actually really caused a rift between me and my mother. My siblings don't have kids either, and it has put a strain on all of us dealing with her.

Nanny poster here, I am sorry to hear that. In my situation it makes me angry. On Mothers day last year she chose to see a friend of the family who had just given birth over spending time with me.
It is selfish to have children and expect them to meet expectations you want for them. Nobody should ever have kids for that reason. By all means, Be disappointed you won't ever get grandkids but don't make it public. That's just selfish and cruel.
Sorry, hope things improve there

That's a shame that she chose not to spend mothers day with you.

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm going to write some things that will probably get me flamed, but I think they need to be said.

The sad reality about my mom is that, putting aside how her actions have affected me, I think she's very unhappy. But if she were polled by someone trying to quantify if women were happier later in life having had kids or not, she would likely say she's happy, the kids are the best thing, yadda, yadda, yadda. And it would skew the results because she isn't happy. And while she may not regret kids, she's an example of how having kids doesn't guarantee you happiness in later years. And my deep suspicion is that some of the childless women who regret not having kids might not have been any happier if they had had them. It's just easier to fixate on that as being the reason. A lot of people reach retirement (with and without kids) and find it's difficult to transition to that phase of life, especially if they can no longer do the things they used to do.

The thing is that for every childless/free older woman who has regrets and/or isn't happy there's an older woman who did have children who also has regrets of some sort (perhaps unrelated to children) and/or isn't happy. But we frame the question as having kids being the make-or-break decision in life -- for women.

How many times has someone on here (or elsewhere on the internet) said they feel sorry for women who don't have children? But how many posts do we see of women who have children but are unhappy for some other reason (bad marriage, lack of hobbies, lack of friends, isolation)? No one ever makes statements of deep pity for those women. We have this cultural narrative that even if you aren't happy, having kids = at least some kind of default happiness or, at the least, checks off some sort of "meaning" box so that there is something redeeming. And that leads to this idea that women should be happy if they kids; if they aren't happy but are mothers, then their unhappiness doesn't matter. They still have or had purpose, so it's fine.

I don't think that is good for anyone -- women or men, childless/free or with children. It devalues people as having intrinsic integrity and worth.

It also devalues friendship. And that's a shame because, for one, even if you have children, ideally, they grow up to have lives of their own. Two, if we really want a civilized society, we can't see blood ties as the only ties that matter. Bonds of friendship also strengthen society. But as many posts reveal on here, many feel like the only relationships that matter, that are worth effort and worth maintaining, are familial bonds. No wonder there's so much tribalism. No wonder we don't have a strong social safety net.

And aside from all of that, we haven't really thought about eldercare in part because there's this tacit assumption that children will care for aging parents. But it seems to me increasingly clear that when seniors reach a point that they need intense care, most adult children really aren't able to give them that kind of care and they find themselves with little support or options. In times past, all of that fell to women. They raised the kids and then they took care of the elderly. But as a woman, I don't think it's fair to assume that women will be and should be caretakers all their lives. But now that women do have options, it's even more important to, as a society, realize that we should all take an interest in ensuring there's adequate eldercare available.

Perhaps I'm rambling. But I'm just tired of all of the judgment regarding childless/free women. I read post after post after post by women with children who are unhappy about one thing or another or are in a bad marriage or whatever. But even with all of that unhappiness, when the topic of childless women comes up, everyone acts like childless women are *truly* unhappy/pitiful. It doesn't make any sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I totally understand one-and-done (I'm an only child of an only child and love being an only), but as someone who is childfree by choice, having just one seems like almost the worst situation. Your time and money are still tied up in all that comes with having kids, but it seems like the chances of having grandkids, having someone to take care of you when you're older, enjoying the "adult children" lifestyle, having at least one kid who lives near you - goes way down.

No knock on one-and-done, because I think those are all very "selfish" reasons for wanting to have kids (what they will do for you later in life). But to me, and as other posters have mentioned, the adult children and benefits they bring really seems like the big payoff in parenting, and with one child it seems like a lot riding on just one person.

Wow, I look at it quite differently. I have one child. I don't think it is his job to take care of me, keep me company, give me grandchildren, or live near me. I want him to pursue a life that will make him happy. If that works out, I'm satisfied.

Different PP. But she's talking about women who say "if you don't have a kid, aren't you afraid no one will take care of you." So her point is, why do women say that if they only have one kid?

Obviously, you aren't one of those women who say that. So it doesn't apply to you.

[Anonymous]

2 uncles, one didn't want them by choice, the other didn't care either way, it just worked out that he didn't have any. My siblings and I are very close to that uncle (as is my daughter).

I have a few friends who don't want any. I think the one may grow to regret the choice but the other definitely will not. She wasn't build for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you have reached the age of 40 without kids you have made a default decision to not have them. In a few short years your friends from your generation will be empty nesters and will be more like colleagues than your kids. Regrets? I don't know. But you have been an adult for 22 years without them so far ...

Disagree with this. I made it well into my late 30s convinced I did not want to have kids because I had so many other things I wanted to do in life. Then I did almost all of them. The ones I hadn't yet done, I realized were things I wanted to do as a family or I no longer felt like I needed for fulfillment. Now at 40, trying to beat the clock and get pregnant - or at least find some way to become a parent. Most of my peers have toddlers or preschoolers. A lot of DC people don't start having kids until their 30s or 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody should have kids if they want them to be an extension of them or are having them purely so they can be looked after in later life. A colleague said to me (I am the nanny poster again) "You should have children as they will look after you later on in life." As others have said, that is a selfish reason to have them and of course, there are no guarantees that will happen.
I am one of three and my siblings don't have kids/want them either. I know my mother is secretly devastated that she won't ever have grandkids but I refuse to apologise for that. I am my own person and need to live my life my way.

I'm the PP of the few long posts above. And that is exactly my situation. It has actually really caused a rift between me and my mother. My siblings don't have kids either, and it has put a strain on all of us dealing with her.

Nanny poster here, I am sorry to hear that. In my situation it makes me angry. On Mothers day last year she chose to see a friend of the family who had just given birth over spending time with me.
It is selfish to have children and expect them to meet expectations you want for them. Nobody should ever have kids for that reason. By all means, Be disappointed you won't ever get grandkids but don't make it public. That's just selfish and cruel.
Sorry, hope things improve there

That's a shame that she chose not to spend mothers day with you.

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm going to write some things that will probably get me flamed, but I think they need to be said.

The sad reality about my mom is that, putting aside how her actions have affected me, I think she's very unhappy. But if she were polled by someone trying to quantify if women were happier later in life having had kids or not, she would likely say she's happy, the kids are the best thing, yadda, yadda, yadda. And it would skew the results because she isn't happy. And while she may not regret kids, she's an example of how having kids doesn't guarantee you happiness in later years. And my deep suspicion is that some of the childless women who regret not having kids might not have been any happier if they had had them. It's just easier to fixate on that as being the reason. A lot of people reach retirement (with and without kids) and find it's difficult to transition to that phase of life, especially if they can no longer do the things they used to do.

The thing is that for every childless/free older woman who has regrets and/or isn't happy there's an older woman who did have children who also has regrets of some sort (perhaps unrelated to children) and/or isn't happy. But we frame the question as having kids being the make-or-break decision in life -- for women.

How many times has someone on here (or elsewhere on the internet) said they feel sorry for women who don't have children? But how many posts do we see of women who have children but are unhappy for some other reason (bad marriage, lack of hobbies, lack of friends, isolation)? No one ever makes statements of deep pity for those women. We have this cultural narrative that even if you aren't happy, having kids = at least some kind of default happiness or, at the least, checks off some sort of "meaning" box so that there is something redeeming. And that leads to this idea that women should be happy if they kids; if they aren't happy but are mothers, then their unhappiness doesn't matter. They still have or had purpose, so it's fine.

I don't think that is good for anyone -- women or men, childless/free or with children. It devalues people as having intrinsic integrity and worth.

It also devalues friendship. And that's a shame because, for one, even if you have children, ideally, they grow up to have lives of their own. Two, if we really want a civilized society, we can't see blood ties as the only ties that matter. Bonds of friendship also strengthen society. But as many posts reveal on here, many feel like the only relationships that matter, that are worth effort and worth maintaining, are familial bonds. No wonder there's so much tribalism. No wonder we don't have a strong social safety net.

And aside from all of that, we haven't really thought about eldercare in part because there's this tacit assumption that children will care for aging parents. But it seems to me increasingly clear that when seniors reach a point that they need intense care, most adult children really aren't able to give them that kind of care and they find themselves with little support or options. In times past, all of that fell to women. They raised the kids and then they took care of the elderly. But as a woman, I don't think it's fair to assume that women will be and should be caretakers all their lives. But now that women do have options, it's even more important to, as a society, realize that we should all take an interest in ensuring there's adequate eldercare available.

Perhaps I'm rambling. But I'm just tired of all of the judgment regarding childless/free women. I read post after post after post by women with children who are unhappy about one thing or another or are in a bad marriage or whatever. But even with all of that unhappiness, when the topic of childless women comes up, everyone acts like childless women are *truly* unhappy/pitiful. It doesn't make any sense.

Nanny poster again and wow, thank you for summing up how I feel. Honestly, I didn't have the words but you are so correct with what you say. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't have kids until well into my 40s. I would have been fine not having them, and even now - as a parent - I love them but still know that I would have been fine never having kids.

There are other ways to have kids in your life and parenting isn't for everyone. Sadly some of us don't realize that until it's too late. I fully respect people who know themselves well enough to make the decision not to have kids.

I don't like when other people question their judgement.

I agree with this last statement. I have several friends, now in 40s and 50s, who are childless by choice. It is so annoying when people question that choice or to assume they will have regrets, which seems to happen especially to the women.

I find it interesting to see that in many cases the stories of regret mentioned on this thread by PPs actually involve the men.

[Anonymous]

I have resigned myself to the fact that as a childless childcare worker, I can expect to be asked constant questions about my lack of kids for the rest of my career. It is very wrong that it has to be like that.