Do money factor into you marrying your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband's earning potential was a huge factor for me. I met and married him during his cardiology residency. At that time he made 50k and had another 50k in debt for buying luxury clothes too small that he ended up discarding. No savings, no family money.

After residency he passed his exams only after years of trying, so he was unemployed or underemployed for years. Then he couldn't stick around at any job for even a year.

It's been a struggle and constant careening from one crisis to another. Result: financial insecurity.

I worked part-time after having kids and needed to go back full-time.

So were your plans to stay home? Bc that seems like you filtered for high income but didn't pan out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went on 4 dates with a woman when we were in law school. On the fourth date she told me that she wanted to SAHM. I told her that while I appreciated her honesty, I could not move forward with our relationship knowing her motives. I have not spoken to her since she dropped out.

Why the hell was she spending six figures for an education and a law school spot someone else could have used for a career? Even if I had a ton of money I wouldn't go for someone like that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I empathize. I have questioned the same thing... my fiance makes 115K which is objectively good, but my ex right before him was a VP I-Banker easily bringing in several hundred K a year, and I broke up with him.

I am going to a top-10 business school next year for my MBA and I am concerned it will hurt my relationship given the earning potential of the people I will meet there...

I just keep reminding myself that money doesn't buy happiness. I focus on gratitude and progressing my own career.

[Anonymous]

did the OP ever say the age of the fiance'? this is key.. no savings and he is 29 not great but not crazy.. if the guy is eve 31 and has no $ banked even 10K this is a red flag

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband's earning potential was a huge factor for me. I met and married him during his cardiology residency. At that time he made 50k and had another 50k in debt for buying luxury clothes too small that he ended up discarding. No savings, no family money.

After residency he passed his exams only after years of trying, so he was unemployed or underemployed for years. Then he couldn't stick around at any job for even a year.

It's been a struggle and constant careening from one crisis to another. Result: financial insecurity.

I worked part-time after having kids and needed to go back full-time.

So were your plans to stay home? Bc that seems like you filtered for high income but didn't pan out?

PP here. Yes, as a matter of fact, I consider it best for the children to be home with the them until they are two years old and then work part-time at least until they turn 6. And I feel strongly about choosing a husband who is on board and enables what is objectively best for the children. For this I would have been willing to sacrifice a part of my own earning potential and career progress.

[Anonymous]

If you want to marry for money, do it. Nothing wrong with that need or desire, just be honest. I have plenty of friends that would have NEVER married my spouse, I married him when he made 40 k a year. It sucked but I married for love. Yes it would be wonderful to be rich but honestly, I have every thing I need, he makes 160K now, I work part time because I need an outlet from kids/home. Life it good. A lot of my married for $ friends are miserable. Some are loving life. Its a crap shot.

[Anonymous]

I literally don't know anyone who has ever told me that they married for money. I have plenty of rich friends so I'm surprised that this is so common a thing that others know that money, not love, was the determining factor in dating/marrying their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I empathize. I have questioned the same thing... my fiance makes 115K which is objectively good, but my ex right before him was a VP I-Banker easily bringing in several hundred K a year, and I broke up with him.

I am going to a top-10 business school next year for my MBA and I am concerned it will hurt my relationship given the earning potential of the people I will meet there...

I just keep reminding myself that money doesn't buy happiness. I focus on gratitude and progressing my own career.

Then it's obvious. You don't love your fiancé and you're waiting for the bigger better deal.

Two things will save this relationship. He is well endowed and fit. You Jeannine of those things and you're concern is money, do him a favor and leave. He'll find someone who is a better person than you and be happy.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

FWIW, we are both 28.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I was moving my whole life for this marriage, and I needed to be reasonably assured we'd be comfortable with just his income for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to marry for money, do it. Nothing wrong with that need or desire, just be honest. I have plenty of friends that would have NEVER married my spouse, I married him when he made 40 k a year. It sucked but I married for love. Yes it would be wonderful to be rich but honestly, I have every thing I need, he makes 160K now, I work part time because I need an outlet from kids/home. Life it good. A lot of my married for $ friends are miserable. Some are loving life. Its a crap shot.

The question is: Are there any takers? If yes, than by all means, marry into a more financially secure situation.

[Anonymous]

I married for love. I did have some of the same questions as you OP when my DH and I were getting ready to get engaged because he was never going to be a super high earner (he is an academic).

At first things were uncertain and difficult (we also had to move a lot for his career early on), and I wondered if I made a mistake not going for one of the other guys who I could have dated in my 20's living in NYC.

I chose my husband because he is an AWESOME PERSON who I truly love and respect and who treats me excellently and who I trust in a very deep way.

Now that things have stabilized for us and the really difficult stuff is gone (at least for now - life is crazy after all), I am happier than anyone could be even though we are not rich.

It is easy for me to remember now why I didn't date some of the guys back from my 20's - they were SELFISH (high earners often are). They wouldn't have been attentive to my emotional needs and they wouldn't have helped with kids. I knew intuitively I guess that for me this was not going to fly.

When you choose a partner there are various things to balance. Money is one of them yes but it is not everything.

if you actually love your fiance, you might want to discuss the possibility of your both moving to a lower cost of living area. That can go a long way in feeling financially secure and not having to deal with constant financial pressure in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married for love. I did have some of the same questions as you OP when my DH and I were getting ready to get engaged because he was never going to be a super high earner (he is an academic).

At first things were uncertain and difficult (we also had to move a lot for his career early on), and I wondered if I made a mistake not going for one of the other guys who I could have dated in my 20's living in NYC.

I chose my husband because he is an AWESOME PERSON who I truly love and respect and who treats me excellently and who I trust in a very deep way.

Now that things have stabilized for us and the really difficult stuff is gone (at least for now - life is crazy after all), I am happier than anyone could be even though we are not rich.

It is easy for me to remember now why I didn't date some of the guys back from my 20's - they were SELFISH (high earners often are). They wouldn't have been attentive to my emotional needs and they wouldn't have helped with kids. I knew intuitively I guess that for me this was not going to fly.

When you choose a partner there are various things to balance. Money is one of them yes but it is not everything.

if you actually love your fiance, you might want to discuss the possibility of your both moving to a lower cost of living area. That can go a long way in feeling financially secure and not having to deal with constant financial pressure in life.

This is a nice story bc all you ever here on this thread is 1) i married my DH for love when he was making $40k but it worked out because now he makes $400k 2) I filtered for income and now stay home with my law partner husband or 3) I filtered for income but I bet in the wrong horse and now I'm bitter I have to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband's earning potential was a huge factor for me. I met and married him during his cardiology residency. At that time he made 50k and had another 50k in debt for buying luxury clothes too small that he ended up discarding. No savings, no family money.

After residency he passed his exams only after years of trying, so he was unemployed or underemployed for years. Then he couldn't stick around at any job for even a year.

It's been a struggle and constant careening from one crisis to another. Result: financial insecurity.

I worked part-time after having kids and needed to go back full-time.

So were your plans to stay home? Bc that seems like you filtered for high income but didn't pan out?

PP here. Yes, as a matter of fact, I consider it best for the children to be home with the them until they are two years old and then work part-time at least until they turn 6. And I feel strongly about choosing a husband who is on board and enables what is objectively best for the children. For this I would have been willing to sacrifice a part of my own earning potential and career progress.

It seems like the best option is for your DH to stay home since his medical career is foundering. I'm sure he would be a fantastic nurturer.

[Anonymous]

My husband makes what your fiancé makes. With my salary included, we make just over 200kyear. We are far from well off, between the mortgage, day care for two kids, student loan payments, 401 k contributions, and credit card payments there is nothing left over at the end of the month. It's hard. I would love to work part time so I could be with my kids more often, but it's outside the realm of possibility. I work over 50 hours a week, and am not even making that much. Oh, and me and my husband are on the verge of divorce.

Money can't buy happiness but it can offer flexibility, security, and comfort. I'm not sure I have any of those, but they are important factors. I feel completely beat down and worn out. If I had more money, this would not be the case.