Do money factor into you marrying your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went on 4 dates with a woman when we were in law school. On the fourth date she told me that she wanted to SAHM. I told her that while I appreciated her honesty, I could not move forward with our relationship knowing her motives. I have not spoken to her since she dropped out.

Why the hell was she spending six figures for an education and a law school spot someone else could have used for a career? Even if I had a ton of money I wouldn't go for someone like that.

Bc a law student boyfriend didn't come along when she was an undergrad. So by going to law school herself, there is a greater chance that she'll land a lawyer DH or a DH who is an MBA or med student on campus. Going to law school isn't an academic stretch for these women bc they always knew that they may need to take their education to the next level to land a suitable man, so they keep their GPAs high in their nothing majors like sociology or psych or whatever and word hard for a good LSAT. Once they are there, they may/may not take school super seriously -- while acting like it REALLY matters so as not to let on to the guys that they are just there on husband watch. The women that I've known who've done this have all been upper class - so their parents were paying for most/all of school and tacitly approved of their daughter's life plans bc they want to make sure they get an appropriate son in law; so it's not like they're taking on 300k in debt for this.

I've always felt bad for the boyfriend/DHs in this scenario. They're young enough that they don't always get what the women are doing. I've known guys who were "relieved" and excited that their wife would be their professional and financial equal - so that there was less pressure to provide in HCOL cities or stress about what would happen if he didn't make partner in 8 yrs. And then fast forward 18 months-3 yrs and the wife starts whining about how HARD biglaw is or how she wants to start staying home bc she's pregnant etc. - and yet of course STILL expects him to provide the house in Bethesda, 3 vacations a yr, 2 luxury cars, and every possible music/sports lesson known to man for their snowflake. So you've got DHs who are stressed beyond belief about whether they'll make partner and if they don't - which is common bc of the tight numbers in law firms - then they get a lifetime of snarky comments from the wife about how 150k just is NOT ENOUGH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went on 4 dates with a woman when we were in law school. On the fourth date she told me that she wanted to SAHM. I told her that while I appreciated her honesty, I could not move forward with our relationship knowing her motives. I have not spoken to her since she dropped out.

Why the hell was she spending six figures for an education and a law school spot someone else could have used for a career? Even if I had a ton of money I wouldn't go for someone like that.

Bc a law student boyfriend didn't come along when she was an undergrad. So by going to law school herself, there is a greater chance that she'll land a lawyer DH or a DH who is an MBA or med student on campus. Going to law school isn't an academic stretch for these women bc they always knew that they may need to take their education to the next level to land a suitable man, so they keep their GPAs high in their nothing majors like sociology or psych or whatever and word hard for a good LSAT. Once they are there, they may/may not take school super seriously -- while acting like it REALLY matters so as not to let on to the guys that they are just there on husband watch. The women that I've known who've done this have all been upper class - so their parents were paying for most/all of school and tacitly approved of their daughter's life plans bc they want to make sure they get an appropriate son in law; so it's not like they're taking on 300k in debt for this.

I've always felt bad for the boyfriend/DHs in this scenario. They're young enough that they don't always get what the women are doing. I've known guys who were "relieved" and excited that their wife would be their professional and financial equal - so that there was less pressure to provide in HCOL cities or stress about what would happen if he didn't make partner in 8 yrs. And then fast forward 18 months-3 yrs and the wife starts whining about how HARD biglaw is or how she wants to start staying home bc she's pregnant etc. - and yet of course STILL expects him to provide the house in Bethesda, 3 vacations a yr, 2 luxury cars, and every possible music/sports lesson known to man for their snowflake. So you've got DHs who are stressed beyond belief about whether they'll make partner and if they don't - which is common bc of the tight numbers in law firms - then they get a lifetime of snarky comments from the wife about how 150k just is NOT ENOUGH.

FWIW, I married my law school classmate. She is a SAHM, I work in biglaw. It works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, I love DCUM. Just by looking at the title of this thread I already knew there were going to be a dozen posts like this:

Never. I met my husband when he was a student at Harvard. It was at a party his father, who is a US Senator, was throwing for the governor. He had a ton of student loan debt and an income of $0. But I didn't care, money didn't even cross my mind, I did it all for love. Today he pulls $500K a year and we just bought a beautiful 9000 sq feet house in NW DC. I guess ignoring money and marrying exclusively for love works. It was risky but it paid off!

...and the thread delivered.

Hmmm Harvard, dad a US Senator.....you didn't see potential? Give me an f....ing break!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, I love DCUM. Just by looking at the title of this thread I already knew there were going to be a dozen posts like this:

Never. I met my husband when he was a student at Harvard. It was at a party his father, who is a US Senator, was throwing for the governor. He had a ton of student loan debt and an income of $0. But I didn't care, money didn't even cross my mind, I did it all for love. Today he pulls $500K a year and we just bought a beautiful 9000 sq feet house in NW DC. I guess ignoring money and marrying exclusively for love works. It was risky but it paid off!

...and the thread delivered.

Will if someone with those connections cannot make that kind of money.......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the financial status of your husband or lack thereof have anything to do with your decision to marry him?

I am engaged to a lovely, hard working honest decent man from a middle class background. His parents are broke and will need support. My parents are broke and I already support them.

My fiancé earns 90k. I earn 50k.

I am not sure how much more he will earn. He has no savings, I have about 20k in savings. I love him and we are a good team however, I know upon marriage I will never be financially comfortable.

I look at girls I know who married money. They seem happy and comfortable. Its hard to be the only "poor" one out.

My bet is that you will succeed. You make $50k and help your parents and have saved $20k. He makes $90k but has no savings. He will benefit from your financial discipline. And, you are a good team. With some ambition and determination I think you will do well...as a team. My DH and i were like you 30 years ago but as a team we really worked hard to become financially comfortable. It took about 15 years but we are in great shape now. More important is that we are still a great team.

[Anonymous]

No- but it should have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, I love DCUM. Just by looking at the title of this thread I already knew there were going to be a dozen posts like this:

Never. I met my husband when he was a student at Harvard. It was at a party his father, who is a US Senator, was throwing for the governor. He had a ton of student loan debt and an income of $0. But I didn't care, money didn't even cross my mind, I did it all for love. Today he pulls $500K a year and we just bought a beautiful 9000 sq feet house in NW DC. I guess ignoring money and marrying exclusively for love works. It was risky but it paid off!

...and the thread delivered.

Hmmm Harvard, dad a US Senator.....you didn't see potential? Give me an f....ing break!

That poster is being sarcastic and saying they knew the thread would be full of people bragging about being in this kind of situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the financial status of your husband or lack thereof have anything to do with your decision to marry him?

I am engaged to a lovely, hard working honest decent man from a middle class background. His parents are broke and will need support. My parents are broke and I already support them.

My fiancé earns 90k. I earn 50k.

I am not sure how much more he will earn. He has no savings, I have about 20k in savings. I love him and we are a good team however, I know upon marriage I will never be financially comfortable.

I look at girls I know who married money. They seem happy and comfortable. Its hard to be the only "poor" one out.

My bet is that you will succeed. You make $50k and help your parents and have saved $20k. He makes $90k but has no savings. He will benefit from your financial discipline. And, you are a good team. With some ambition and determination I think you will do well...as a team. My DH and i were like you 30 years ago but as a team we really worked hard to become financially comfortable. It took about 15 years but we are in great shape now. More important is that we are still a great team.

Great input.

OP--why do you know you will "never be financially comfortable"? As this PP said, slow and steady can win the race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the financial status of your husband or lack thereof have anything to do with your decision to marry him?

I am engaged to a lovely, hard working honest decent man from a middle class background. His parents are broke and will need support. My parents are broke and I already support them.

My fiancé earns 90k. I earn 50k.

I am not sure how much more he will earn. He has no savings, I have about 20k in savings. I love him and we are a good team however, I know upon marriage I will never be financially comfortable.

I look at girls I know who married money. They seem happy and comfortable. Its hard to be the only "poor" one out.

My bet is that you will succeed. You make $50k and help your parents and have saved $20k. He makes $90k but has no savings. He will benefit from your financial discipline. And, you are a good team. With some ambition and determination I think you will do well...as a team. My DH and i were like you 30 years ago but as a team we really worked hard to become financially comfortable. It took about 15 years but we are in great shape now. More important is that we are still a great team.

Great input.

OP--why do you know you will "never be financially comfortable"? As this PP said, slow and steady can win the race.

Because she wants the lifestyle and SAH life of her friends but will never have that. I bet her DH is an engineer, makes good money but gives it to help family and maybe buys too many toys (cars electronics but those are not real problems)

[Anonymous]

It would now. I am in my 50's (female) and worth about 4 million so I would be foolish to get into a relationship with someone who hasn't at least made some good financial decisions no matter what their income. Marry for love is great in theory, but ask any divorce lawyer what ends a marriage and two things are always mentioned in the list money and sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband's earning potential was a huge factor for me. I met and married him during his cardiology residency. At that time he made 50k and had another 50k in debt for buying luxury clothes too small that he ended up discarding. No savings, no family money.

After residency he passed his exams only after years of trying, so he was unemployed or underemployed for years. Then he couldn't stick around at any job for even a year.

It's been a struggle and constant careening from one crisis to another. Result: financial insecurity.

I worked part-time after having kids and needed to go back full-time.

Moral of the story. Think about your genepool.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely didn’t think about money at all when marrying Dh. We were young and married at 25. We were both hard workers but also frugal. If anything, I knew I could support myself if I wanted more money.

We both make about 150 and haven’t ever had any money issues.

[Anonymous]

Earning potential didn’t matter per se but I wanted someone who was smart, intellectual, and worked hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poverty can lead to divorce.

You’re so out of touch. $90k and $50k salaries are not “ poverty”. The average American makes $60k. These are normal good salaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not proceed with marrying him unless he has increasing income potential. Life is difficult enough, why make it more difficult?

But, I would not have been in your situation to begin with - smart women know how to weed out men.

Some questions:
1. Does he have debt?
2. Why does he have no savings?
3. Ages?
4. What is your income potential?
5. Are you able to date better (be realistic)?

Why is DCUM so out of touch with reality? Not everyone makes $300k. The average American salary is $60k. Their combined salary of $140k is fine if they live within their means.